The Quirky Me

Hanging loose

2012-01-28T18:41:00.001+08:00

I am having a restful vacation in the beautiful Chiang Mai, hanging loose, and do nothing important.

It is possible that I am overeating because I am poo-ing a lot, and a little deja vu of blood poo-ing. I hope it\'s not another episode of colitis.

The year is kick-starting quite nicely for me, and before I knew it, the 2 weeks\' vacation is coming to an end.

SkinFood Salmon Darkcircle Concealer and Innisfree No Sebum Mineral Powder Review

2012-01-12T13:32:00.001+08:00

I hardly go out now, and I order anything and everything online, if possible. With the new habit of buying skincare online, I have taken another step further to buy cosmetic and apparels online too!

BB creams must have been around for a while now, but as usual, I am 3-steps behind with any exciting news; or any news at all.

I started to use BB creams last year. I love the lightweight feel on the skin, but hate the grey hue. I am fair (NC15-20) but I don't really like ashy sick complexion.

It's super convenient to use BB cream while out on vacation. I don't get to enjoy the luxury of good skin, so BB cream helps camouflage some flaws and gives an instant confidence boost yet feeling like wearing nothing at all. BB cream comes with SPF24 PA++.

We are soon leaving for our anniversary vacation, so I decide to buy new BB creams. (I used Maybelline and BioEssence, reasonable good coverage, but they have the grey hues and stickiness on touch)

I ordered Skin79 sampler pack on Gmarket, the seller shipped from South Korea quite quickly. I like that it dries matt (most BB creams leave a dewy and sheen on the face) and non-stickiness on touch. The downside is that it has very minimal coverage, so I decide to research into a good concealer to go with the BB cream.

Ordered the Skinfood Salmon Darkcircle Concealer #2 - should probably get #1, read on to find out why. I also ordered the Innisfree No Sebum Mineral Powder, in place of pressed powder.

The Skinfood Salmon concealer comes in a jar, not the ideal packaging, as it gets exposed to environmental elements and germs more easily.

Ways to maximize product lifespan:
1. use a small spatula to scrap/scoop the required amount for each use; wash and dry the spatula after each use. (Personally I do this for all jar packaged skincare) To bring out in bag, I bag the jar and the spatula in a small pull string pouch; you may use a ziplock bag if you wish.
2. always make sure your finger is clean if you are dipping right into the jar; avoid double-dip method, products left on your face may be transferred into the product, hence the risk of contamination

The concealer is a thick paste, yet glides and spreads on skin quite easily. My hand is fairer than the skin on face, hence the contrast.

#2 shade has orange/yellow undertones, and it's a tad dark. I can't comment on #1 shade, but I am considering getting that on the next buy.

A small jar (5gm) of the Innisfree No-Sebum Mineral Powder is perfect for traveling. It's also perfect for me, since I rarely leave home now. I may toss this after the 2 weeks' vacation.

Image on left before any products; image on right being the after products application.

Products used:
1. Skin79 Hot Pink BB Cream
2. Skinfood Salmon Darkcircle Concealer Cream
3. Innisfree No-Sebum Mineral Powder

Overall Review:
Skin79 Hot Pink BB Cream
Love that it dries matt and non-sticky on touch. It is said that Skin79 BB creams are amongst the darkest shades of BB creams. I was concern about the dark shade. If you look at the before/after photo, my skin is indeed darker after applying the products. Then again, it is really not obvious and it gives a healthy color to my usually sick pale complexion.

Coverage: light-medium, not for skin with too many imperfections (like mine, that's why I am getting add-on to make up for the lack of better coverage)

Skinfood Salmon Darkcircle Concealer Cream
The concealer leaves light patches of yellow undertones on the areas that I applied the product on. It settles and blends in better after a while (10-15 minutes - oxidize process).

The concealer is medium coverage for acne scars or breakouts, and it doesn't appear cakey of thick, so if you want to achieve a more natural evening out of tones, this is the product you need.

Innisfree No-Sebum Mineral Powder
Weightless. Lightly scented. Does what it says it does - sebum-control.

The white powder may give an instant ghostly tone at first, it settles in quickly though. Soft and smooth at touch after application.

Refer to the before/after photo, you will notice that the shine on the 'before' photo is now gone. The matt effect is quite lasting too.

(No other products on eye area, except the concealer)

If you look carefully, the area around the eyelid (upper and under eye) there is a slight tint of yellow tone. It looks a little 'goldish' on the photo.

That is the reason why I want to get my hands on #1 shade, hoping that it has less orange/yellow undertones.

Salmon concealer is more moisturizing, and I think it is essential. Many concealers in the market is thick and dries to cakey cracks. A moisturizing under eye concealer should minimize the appearance of dark circle, and not emphasize on other concerns such as fine lines and creases.

I don't usually have dark circle, but I am developing brownish under eye circle due to overworking? I forgot to check the photos of the 'before' for eyes; I am left with this photo because the rest is trashed due to out-of-focus images. :P

I Don't Belong

2012-01-02T11:15:00.000+08:00

I have never really liked any festive seasons or holidays, especially the well-celebrated ones. I am beginning to enjoy my birthday because it is a private celebration, and I choose to celebrate with just one person, or a few people (separately).

I used to hate my birthday, because mum invited many guests to celebrate joint birthday of my sister's and mine - which is 4 days apart. I hate games, and children were mean to compare my happy sister to me, and I paled in comparison. I was uncooperative - I cannot emphasize enough that I hate games and role-play - and they called me party pooper. I failed to understand why I was unable to choose to do exactly what I wanted to do for my birthday.

My 21st birthday was another disaster that made me decide that I will not have another birthday party.

As a child, I was 'forced' to participate in most of the family gatherings. Over the many years, I blamed the angry man at home who spoilt the festive moods when his impatience almost always resulted in angry and hurtful outbursts in kick-starting the day.

Well, I can't rule that out as a factor completely, it has always been a damper to start any day with a temper.

2011 has been a 'mind-opener' for me. It provides me with more accurate answers to all my misfits, possibly since birth.

As much as it answers many questions, it brings on a melancholic mood to the year end holidays.

I rarely feel lonely. I am superbly good in keeping myself occupied and entertained, even when alone. I have always knew that I enjoy a certain amount of aloneness, but I hardly feel lonely.

It is different this time.

The failure of the first pseudo short-lived marriage provided a legitimate excuse not to attend family get-togethers. It was the best thing that happened out of the emotional wreck. I was alone, but I never felt lonely. It was sheer liberation.

Group gatherings are stressful for me, I could lose sleep for weeks and months. The intense fear of being the party pooper is overwhelming; I spent years developing skills to prevent a social disaster which I experienced as a child. It is extremely difficult to be disliked for no apparent reason - at least not known to me; children can be very mean in crushing the spirit of another child who is seemingly different from them.

I would come home and sob into the pillow. When confided in the family member, I was often dismissed as overly sensitive and usually asked to be 'normal'. It almost always resulted in more frustration.

The Christmas and New Year that just passed, left me with a deep sense of sadness.

For the first time, I feel 'lonely'. Looking at the happy photos of friends and family, I am daunted by the realization that I Don't Belong.

Don't get me wrong, although I am pretty much isolated from the real people, friends and family are extraordinarily understanding that I will not be participating most of the events - from weddings, to baby showers, to big and small gatherings - I do get invited to parties.

I feel lonely not because I am left out of the events; I feel lonely because I have come to realized that I can never enjoy that kind of joy that everyone else seems to take great pleasure in.

I was and am never able to soak into the joy manifested by crowd.

I know there is no better way for me to describe to you, it's beyond words, but try to imagine yourself in a room filled with happy people. Everyone is laughing heartily at jokes made by someone, joke after joke. You are the only one not laughing, they told the jokes in a different language, foreign to you. Standing there, you feel you don't belong. No one speaks your language; they wonder why you are not laughing when everyone is.

I feel that way, all the time. I don't enjoy parties. I feel extremely stressed in using my limited social language to interact with too many active interactions going around.

It is true. I am incapable of taking 'normal' pleasures like everyone else. As a child, I enjoyed playing alone, I still do (that explains why I prefer playing majong with computer to playing with real people, it is stressful to play any games that involve other players). The toys don't judge me, the toys are patient, the toys never abandon me. It is just very comfortable, because I am not expected to do and say the 'right' thing.

I am sure that I will come to make peace with myself, some day. There is nothing anyone can do to make this better, the sadness is derived from a realization of truth about my incapabilities. In crochet craft, I find absolute solace.

Merry Charity!

2011-12-18T10:27:00.000+08:00

We get into the merry moods during this time of the year, don't we? The decorative lightings, the jolly music playing in the malls, and the cookies baking!

What do you say, that we maximize the merry moods?

During this time of the year, we complain about the rush to get everything ready for the joyous holiday; for some of us, we (as in ME) talk too much about the mad rush before the new year closes in.

Back in my head, I always wonder, what about the less fortunate? See, I have a somewhat different definition for 'less fortunate'. If you have known me personally and our family history, you will know that we have several immediate family members who are contracted with severe health conditions from kidney failure, to Parkinson disease, to hypertension, to permanent skin disease, to chronic disc disease, to joints related problems and the usual old aged ailments.

I think it is sad that we have these problems, some are even life-threatening; I don't think we are necessarily less fortunate. Most of the affected family members are not insured, and non-insurable, including myself (for the chronic back problem, that is); but we enjoy the subsidies from the healthcare unit, even though that may translate into less timely treatments, and yucky medical teams, still, we receive the very basics that we need.

In a way, I think we are quite fortunate to at least have the basic tier of needs (in the hierarchy of needs) met. We have a roof over our heads; although there are fewer working adults at home to finance everything and everyone, at least we get to put food on the table; we don't have first grade quality silk as garment, but we have decent and comfortable cottony clothes (in my case, I ought to get more casual home tees, some of my tees are so torn, even the preachers who knocked at my door thought that life had been hard on me!).

In my opinion, we do just fine. No doubt, we are fully capable to live a more comfortable lifestyle, but life has been perfectly tailored, in providing us with the opportunity to do the best we could, and fulfill our duties. We are very fortunate in that sense - to be 'able'.

In that perspective, many others who might have lesser health problems as we do, but possibly be met with more challenging situations; perhaps, they live from meal to meal.

We tend to spend more on festive seasons - doesn't apply to me much since I don't celebrate most festive occasions, except for more allowances for the folks who celebrate them - and complain about how little money we are left with at the end of the month.

How much, out of the big spendings, goes to a good cause?

Now, I am not judging, nor am I saying it's wrong. I am just saying, perhaps a little effort can go to the less fortunate?

In my own tradition, we donate some money for charitable cause on special occasions, and festive seasons. That might heighten the merry moods, yes?

This year, we are organizing a private fund raiser for a less fortunate family. A family that is receiving very limited funding from the social services.

You can do the same, nothing big, and easy to manage:
1. Discretion - Place a donation box beside your beautiful Christmas tree, or beside the buffet table
**No need to spoil the happy mood by 'forcing' your guests to donate; trust and respect that some people have other plans for their tight budget

2. Brief introduction - Before the party begins, give a short introduction about the collection box, and the beneficiary details and where the box is located
**People need to know who they are parting their money to; no need to go into length, or dramatize (note to self, the drama queen - me) the sobby story, your guests are here to have fun, don't poke into their guilt for not donating, that, IMO, is a low-pressure coercion

3. Proof of donation - For collective donation, it's important to obtain an official receipt as proof of donation. Of course, since this is a private fund raiser, your guests would have trusted you enough to donate, still, it's best to just let the donors know that the money has gone to where it should.
**If you have a social network account, you may post the photos of the money counting process, and the receipt (remember to cover up some personal details in the letter/receipt before posting up). That way, the good deed is also taking another level of viral effect - inspire others to do the same or better!

Have a great time preparing for the party!

Earn or Suffer Karmic Effects in Ten, Hundred, Thousand or more folds

2011-12-13T11:57:00.001+08:00

Patience is virtue; it's not always an innate quality at birth, for many of us, it's acquired with age.

I have been wondering what to pen in this Piggy Journal that I asked the husband to buy a month ago from The Artisan Loft - located at Coronation Plaza, level 2.

Many a times, epiphany - in the non-religious context, just to be clear - ravels out of nowhere, before us in the most unexpected moment. The light-bulb moment comes that I will write down impromptu theories, regardless of the oddness.

So, the first topic discussed (yes, possibly with the husband first, then the details developed with my plush meow who never talks back!) - About Karma...

It may be a highly controversial and debatable subject, but really, I believe it's human kind that complicate matter and simple fact.

Good karma, or bad karma, depends on a split second decision.

The Jobs

There are some 'careers' that have the multiplying ability in karmic effects. It comes with the 'job', like a package. Thread very carefully if you are in one of these positions. Either you seize the opportunity to hit the 'jackpot' of fantastic karma; or fall into the hell-hole of darkest karma returns.

The positions are Spiritual Leaders, Spiritual Workers, Political Leaders, Fengshui Practitioners or equivalent, Teachers, Psychologists, Psychiatrists, Counsellors, Life Coaches, or any other work that has immediate life impacting influence.

Hereinafter, I would address these people as 'servants' since they serve in order to be served. Social titles and accreditations mean nothing in the cycle of Karma; it is measured by the work done, not the useless titles the people engraved onto their egos.

These people are honored with a job to serve, and to help others. They have an immediate influence on how people live, think, and behave. It's a thin line to walk on.

When done with the purest intention, a person achieves 'lightness' and feels good - the natural 'high' without substance abuse, the natural reward of doing good and bringing good.

When done with hidden agenda of self-interest, pride and ego inflating purpose, a person sets himself up for a slap in the face, in the most unimaginable way. A slap that may proves fatal, sometimes.

The Effects & Reasonings

The Karmic 'package' comes in ten, hundred, thousand or more folds with each action taken by these 'servants'.

1. The scale of influence on people determines the affecting impacts made on people; which in turn determines the scale of folds in karmic returns.

2. These 'jobs' encompass highest responsibilities, morals, and ethics. They have the direct and immediate impact on people of contact. Almost like a belief system intervention, the servants are highly capable of altering a person's entire belief system and behavioral patterns.

Easy Choice

As 'dangerous' as it may sound, it should be an easy choice.

CHOOSE to do good, and purely good, always.

'Good' doesn't mean charitable or free service, but the will to perform simple pure good. It doesn't do any good if the servants starve. The basic needs must always be met, and it is no crime to earn a high income out of what you could do. Those are materials satisfaction; in this topic, we are centering the focus on spiritual elevation, regardless of the material gains.

Dishonesty

Why is it easy? It may not be easy for a seasoned liar - the theory stands that everyone lies; by 'everyone', I mean regular everyone without special conditions - at first, but like any habit, practice makes perfect.

At first, it is a deliberate cognitive effort, to fend off the temptation to 'lie' - white lies, pink lies, any lie is lie - and make a conscious effort to decide against lying.

Dishonesty is an act, not the definition of lies. Lies are just part of dishonesty. Dishonesty can be resulted by just the intent to mislead someone away from the truth. By not lying, doesn't clear you from dishonesty. With today's situation, everyone has some knowledge in psychology, everyone is equipped with the capability to manipulate.

Human kind complicates matters. Say A, if it's A, period. We tend to talk about B, C, Z, F, and everything else only to manipulate the other person to assume full responsibility of finally knowing it's A. Then, we will say, 'you said it, I didn't'. Familiar?

After a while, it comes natural. Just be honest and truthful.

Reminder

Karma is not a fear factor, or scare tactic. Karma can be rewarding, just that you should not harbor the greed of obtaining karma for the sake of it, but to know that as you do good unto others, it returns unto you. Learn to enjoy the simple bliss of being 'able'.

The fine line lies with the intention, not the outcome. Say, if you have the kindest intention, but the external factors which are beyond your control, resulted in an undesirable outcome, you may continue to try to right it, but know that your kind intention has already got you a star in your personal karma book.

Karma, if doesn't arrive now, doesn't mean it's not already received. Karma doesn't rationalize with your expectation.

Simplify, and if it's still not simplified, simplify more. Count your simple blessing that you might have escaped a fall; that you continue to breath; that you have food that doesn't make you sick; that you have all you need to be here 'now'. Karma is a sharing spirit. Good karma may greet you in different form, say, our folks recover from an illness, our children enjoy good health and happy etc. Don't expect, just appreciate.

Bad karma is unlikely to be missed. We would normally avoid thinking of the bad things, so when it comes, it is hard to miss. Be cautioned, if karma doesn't get to you now, it could mean it is just waiting for the perfect timing to hit you at the hardest.

I can't say for sure if we are able to 'balance' out the good and bad deeds; but I choose to believe that we could continue to do good, for the simple sake of wanting to do good. Be truly repentant, and not trying to just right the fault. Sadly but truly, some faults cannot be righted, but there is always hope that continued efforts to mend our ways may bring good karma to the ones we love and care about. If not for yourself, do good for the people whom you care deeply for.

Simple Act of Kindness

Kindness may not always cross path with money contribution. We may be poor, but we can be wealthy in pure kindness. Nurture a heart of gold.

Say, if you help an old lady with her heavy bag, do it with simple pure intention. It must be her good karma returning to her, to have met you; by genuinely wishing you well, she is also accumulating another point to her good karma book. Simple act, simple thought.

Last Words

Oh well, now this explains why I have such gripe against unethical 'servants'. They are supposed to know their responsibilities. I have near zero tolerance for complacent and self-conceited 'servants'.

A true master is one who humbles himself even when he reaches the summit. He humbly learns from the child at the market, he gladly addresses the child as the Zen Master. He is aware that learning is continual and endless. He is never too full of himself, and embraces humility as he continues this spiritual elevation journey.

The first cord is struck in marking the beginning of the end of a spiritual journey, when we foolishly think we know everything and assume supremacy.

Finally, I learn, and I am learning, and during the course of learning, I have my own theories that may not sit right with you. Take it as a reference from an assignment of a student, who has a view of her own, with no discrimination.

Always know that I had wished to be smart, but my candor precedes my wish. I am never smart, and I am incapable of hidden agenda, since I consider that useless and waste of time. If I want to know something, I ask, when I ask, I ask plainly, it would be silly to assume otherwise and waste your time and effort to work around a simple question.

Also, I am not religious, do not write back to me about a bunch of stuffs that I don't care for, and I am (again) saying this plainly just so you don't waste your time.

So, are you ready to earn some good karma in this festive and Christmassy period!

the struggle to stay true to myself

2011-09-27T12:28:00.004+08:00

I lived in Boon Lay since birth, till we moved to a new estate slightly over a decade ago. That was when Singapore was so young and developing. Residents moved from the Kampong to high-rise buildings which we call 'Flats', aka apartments. The British heavily influenced us, since we were once the British Colony, the term differs, but they mean the same thing.

Neighbors were closely knitted. We knew everybody, from the ground level (which was the Kindergarten that I attended) to top level. We exchanged telephone numbers. We looked out for one another. We accepted parcels for one another. We always knew the whereabouts of one another. The adults played parental roles of one another's children. Right, the adults told tales to your parents, if you were caught messing around with the wrong company!

We left the gates unlocked even when we left the apartment to get some stuff at the nearby shops. We handed over our apartment keys to the neighbors. The neighbors interrogated the strangers who knocked at another residents' doors.

It was hard to deal with breakups in such closely bonded community. Everyone knew when your boyfriend stopped visiting; or when a new boy started visiting!

There was this uncle whom I held high admiration for his integrity and loyalty to friends and family. He was one of the most helpful people I had known. He was uneducated, loud and sometimes a little boorish, but with a style. He was kind and helpful. I spent a lot of time at his place since I was close with his son, who is a year older than I. I loved to listen to his life philosophies. They sounded right (still do). All human beings should be like him, I thought, in my young mind.

One day, his wife left him and their young children. I was saddened. I visited more often, and I saw a broken man, who seemed to have aged by leaps and bounds. There was deep sadness in his eyes. He swore that he will never helped another person; he was a changed man forever, as good will not begets good. I was sad to hear that he decided to turn his back on his own beliefs and goodness because of one setback in life.

What do I know? I was just a child.

I didn't visit so regularly anymore, as his son advised. He grew more distant, always angry and sad. We moved from the friendly neighborhood.

Some years passed. News came that the man I once admired much, chose to end his life, which he believed was filled with nothing but misery.

Believe it or not, this uncle whom I don't even know his name, impacted me greatly on my beliefs system. His life philosophies make perfect sense to me, and that sit well with me, always. They are simple and straightforward, and they don’t involve gauging or estimation. Give it all, he said. Always stay true to your friends. Be loyal. Clear conscience. Expect nothing in return.

It seemed like the right way to live a decent life. I imagine that anyone would be a fine person if harnessed with all these good values.

See, I have this life long struggle. It has become clear to me that these values are not widely adopted by most modern people. Not only that I am an outcast from the normal; I have also made myself a dinosaur. I imagine that it must be heavy for any regular friends to have me as a friend.

As mentioned in my previous posts, I don't get to keep friends around, long enough. Even with my best friend, I am never fully confident, because there is always a chance that I may slip up and offend her; or when she couldn't take my quirkiness any much more. I am great with being alone, but even for someone like me, who is highly self-absorbed in my own activities; there are times of loneliness. I feel exceptionally lonely when I am misunderstood for what I never intended to.

You would think that we would get used to losing friends. “Friends come and go all the time”, they say. Not for me. It's odd, but I am never able to say, "I've gotten used to being taken granted for; or misunderstood". I pretended that it was okay that people don’t understand me, it turns out, it is never okay, because people can be very cruel with spreading malicious rumors about me. It gets to me, sometimes.

The struggle is that, I sometimes convinced myself that it is the rare values that I took from the kind uncle that made me odder than I already am. By giving all, today's regular people couldn't handle complete surrendering. Many people want to just tap and go. I want to stay and be there.

I think I can imagine why friends are not comfortable with me around. It's hard to bring a walking dinosaur around.

The coping mechanism kicks in for me too. What I have learned from the same man who passed the good values to me, also handed me one of the options to cope with betraying friends. To change myself. Stop being kind. Be someone completely different from whom I am.

This is the true struggle. It is a way of staying untrue to myself, and pretend to be 'normal' like everyone else is. It means abandoning what sits perfectly right with me, only not to others. At times, the thought of shutting everyone else out crosses my mind. That way, I won't get hurt, I thought to myself. I did that before, it helped me through very difficult phase in life, but I think I am happier being myself.

By wanting to change myself to accommodate, is to regress to a less developed state of mind, and in personal growth.

Recently, a new chapter has been opened.

I have to believe that everything is falling into the right places for me now. It was a strange moment and opportunity when my mother and I had a conversation on family issues. It appeared to be the perfect timing to explore into sharing my self-discovery into Apserger's Syndrome with her.

I had never thought this would be possible. My mother is deprived of education. Some topics could be extremely challenging to grasp. I went ahead to share with her anyway, because in spite of her lack of education and knowledge into Austim Spectrum, she is a an extraordinary and loving mother.

Like most newly discovered adult Aspie, there were 'no wonder', 'ah ha!', 'now we know', kind of expressions in the conversation.

Personally, I think it is important to have someone who grows up with you to walk this journey with you for a bit. It not only affirms what you have just discovered, it's an enormous relief that I have finally redeemed myself for some hurt and pain that I never meant to cause.

I was and probably still am, a very difficult child. "No wonder you wailed and yelled the second I stepped on the paddle of the sewing machine. You were happy when I stopped and sat there doing nothing. You were satisfied with just having us staring at each other."

There were many stories about my notorious behaviors as a child. Some of the stories were told and retold countless of times amongst the relatives. The story that I bit off the synthetic leather covers off the chair. The story about my insistence on specifics, and will not relent until I got what I asked for.

Be mindful when sharing with a parent though. Guilt often creeps up on the parent. It is difficult for a parent when she learns that the child has been suffering all this time, and she was one of the general public who failed to see more to it, and didn't do more.

I made sure to tell her that she didn't know then, I didn't know then. She assumed that I was just more stubborn, peculiar, and difficult. She always knew I was different from other children. Autism was a term used on me as a teasing joke.

I told her I'd never enjoyed the visiting during festive seasons. I felt extremely stressed and always end up feeling sad after the visit. Stressed out by the overwhelming crowd and noises. Saddened by the remarks that I received on regular basis - the obvious difference from the other cousins. The lack of willingness to conform has always been a problem.

"Why didn't you say so then?". I did, more than once, but I was a child. A child's request - a non-regular one - is often regarded as rebellious and non-conforming.

Always remember that Now is different from Then. Her primary concerns and priorities were to make sure we received our education, we had food on the table, and we had the basics.

For the longest time, I feel liberated!

I think, I will keep my values and lose the friends who just tap and go. I enjoy quality conversation and sharing. I don't want to go back to the days when I tried too hard to fit in. If I don't fit anywhere, so be it.

The Perfectionist Me

2011-09-13T11:25:00.000+08:00

So, the Zagg Folio, Solo, and Invisibleshield arrived yesterday. I opened the package before the husband came home, so that I could take photos of the long awaited purchases.

The Folio is sleek and and stylish. The husband is loving his new toy, but is quick to ask, 'so, when is the redesigned replacement arriving, this clasp doesn't close properly'. Apart from that minor problem, everything works perfectly.

It's probably the guy's thing, you know, to display the supposedly more superior intellect when it comes to gadgets and technology. The body language tells it all. Heads up, chest forward, with an affirmed tone to the voice, he said, 'Do you know what is carbon fiber? Do you know how it is made?'. Yes sir, I have looked up on carbon fiber, but yes, you may go ahead and educate me further.

It could be just me and my bad luck. The invisibleshield that I installed on my iPad 2 has a bunch of bubbles, which I am convinced that they will disappear after a few days. I did my homework and watched the video tutorial before installing the shield.

I am not as bothered about the bubbles than I am about the reflective fine line on the screen.

The bubbles should disappear after a few days, when the water evaporates - could be longer in humid countries since the water is 'trapped' in the bubbles. The fine line doesn't seem like it's going away though. It really looks like a defective line instead.

This is the thing. I am very anal about stains, fingerprints, and marks on the screen. Ask anyone who worked with me in previous employments, I got really upset when someone touches my monitor with their fingers. I only clean my monitor with lint free cloth.

I don't know how this doesn't bother others, it bugs me a great deal. :P I have written to Zagg about this problem, and hopefully they are able to provide an explanation and solution to this. Other than that, the shield is really great, because it reduces fingerprints on touches. Even if it does catches some fingerprints, it's a lot easier to clean them off.

Dedicated, or Obsession?

2011-09-05T09:37:00.001+08:00

The husband was leaving for work, before he planted a goodbye kiss, he noticed my 'guilty' expression shifting away from the monitor.

He glanced and gave an exaggerated but silent 'OMG!' expression, followed by 'Obsession!' expression.

See, I was not much of a gaming person, never was, until the mother retires and has all the time in the world and her primary activity at all times is gaming on the computer. I was kind of worried that she would be bored and lost after she left employment.

That began the virtual farming on farmville by zynga. The key reason to play the game 'casually' - so I planned and thought - was to gift items to her and her large group of siblings. Then, the husband gamed on the farm for the same reason, to gift items to me. (He quit the game after a while, and I was helping with his farm until I decided it was consuming too much of my time, and that he was never returning to care for the farm.)

I don't get bored easily. I am quite dedicated. I can do the same things for years until change becomes necessary.

Anyhow, I have been on farmville since. I decide not to start on other games due to my tight work schedule, and the ever shortage of ME-time. I game on iPad, but mostly on puzzle games which have shorter span of game time.

I am excellent in organizing, to be precise, effective organizing. I had always been better as the Administrator, than as Personal Assistant/Secretary. (Secretarial duties are different now than before, secretaries are expected to super multi-task from anything to everything) I am great in improvising procedures and policies, and continue to review and examine in structured period of time and make changes accordingly.

Anyway, back to the farming. I try to free up my brain memory space and resources as much as possible. It should be used for more important things, and for leisure purposes, we can always rely on applications which are designed to make daily chores easier.

I love the Wunderlist, and Evernote applications.

I use Wunderlist primarily for check-off lists, such as shopping list (shared with the husband, since he helps with shopping chores), follow-up lists (on pending stuffs with some Government departments etc), online orders etc.

Evernote is a 'cloud'* system. It is a perfect tool for me, especially now that I have too many Made-To-Order orders to process. With so much communications/discussions on each order, it's a pain - to me and to the environment - to print and reprint the emails which can be meters-long! Worse if the paper scraps get lost somewhere, imagine the time wasted to scramble through the piles of stuffs and bins. With Evernote, I just update on my iMac and the document is automatically sync onto my iPad. I include the sketches and drafts that I have mocked up for customers, and all other correspondences and references on the orders. That way, I only need the iPad while working on the orders away from my iMac. Perfect!

*Keeping that in mind, it is highly recommended that you don't store very private and personal documents on the cloud due to security concerns. Other applications/storage systems that use cloud computing are sugarsync, dropbox, etc, even though they may claim to be using military grade encryption program to secure your documents. Always keep in mind that even if it is not hackable, the system is manned by someone. You can encrypt the folders in prior to placing in the cloud though, but be sure you have strong encryption.

My evernote consists of more items in one note, so I wouldn't recommend editing it on the iPad, since the iPad is incapable of editing complex notes. There is an option to convert the note into the simple text but that may result in losing some important contents.

Both applications have sync function, so it is really easy to work.

My obsession is normally short spanned. Throughout the years, I was briefly obsessed with lipsticks, nail paints, sunscreen, lip balm, eye shadows, compact powder, Jane Austen (who authored the book Pride and Prejudice, Sense and Sensibility etc), scissors, nails (as in hammer and nails, nails), earrings, silver accessories, etc.

The obsession normally ends when the goal is met. See, I am objective driven, I always have an objective, I rarely do anything that doesn't serve any purpose.

The nail paint began with a fascination with fast drying colors. For a start, I bought several different brands of nail polish. I tested all out and concluded which was the best performing in terms of the specific requirement - fast drying. I went on to buy all the colors of that brand. I would continue to hunt for the 'missing' colors from other branches until the collection was complete.

I realize though, I am rarely interested in possessing them. I brought all the nail paints to the workplace whereby the colleagues could share. I didn't paint nails at the workplace, but I knew many female colleagues did that. I didn't object, it's just different preference, and if the boss didn't care, why should I?

Some obsessions are set out with a time limit. See, what you see as obsession, is really perceived quite differently by me. I think of them as objectives, governed by preset rules.

Rules help me feel safer, because they seem to be the guiding lights to ensure that I am doing the right thing. I have learnt to break some rules, but whenever I do that, it is not without struggle. It's extremely uncomfortable, but I have learnt that some rules can be bent, slightly.

Take airport check-in for example. I get really anxious and panicky when we don't reach there as early as it is required. I know many people wouldn't arrive at the airport 2 hours before the flight time. I would prefer to arrive early and spend the extra time on a meal or shopping. I become very anxious when I know we are cutting close to the allowed time. You don't want to see me anxious. I become more cranky, I don't speak, my sole focus is to hope that there is no traffic and that we will reach the airport in time. I hate the conventional tour packages that pack the activities air-tight.

Well, with that, I am going back to my 'farm' to harvest some crops, trees, and animals, and begin my usual routine. ;)

Myth about Honesty

2011-09-04T12:55:00.000+08:00

People lie, all the time. The more we say this, the more we are acknowledging that this is a normal behavior, even if it defies our primary belief system when we were children.

I am beginning to believe that all Aspies would embark on the same path of self-discovery, sooner or later. Sooner, if the society begins to accept Asperger's Syndrome as a crippling disorder that is believed to be passed on genetically. Later, if we continue to ignore the existence and importance of this disorder and assume that it is a less than an important topic to fund research for.

We have an invisible path, masked because we pretend to blend into some sort of normalcy, just so that we are accepted as the same, even though, we have always known that we are different.

I know this is a difficult topic to plaster on the public platform. Announcing to the world that I am an Aspie put people in the spot. It's like news of death of misfortune, generally, people don't know what to do or say upon receiving such news of friends. Do I offer my condolences? Do I try to provide moral support? What do I do to be deemed appropriate. Normal people don't deal with bad news well. I do, but you might not like what I have to say, that is.

Believe me, since I ask these questions on a daily basis, and even hour to hour, minute to minute when engaged in human-active activities, I know how comfortable it may be.

I have been having many more-than-meaningful dreams - purposeful - since the embarkation on the journey of past revisitations and self-discovery.

A few days ago, I woke up to Mike asking if I had a bad dream or exhausting dream. I was a little surprised to wake up to a question like that, but quickly dismissed the surprise since I talk and react in the dreams at times, and woke Mike up. It was different this time. He asked because he notice the REM - Rapid Eye Movment - in my sleep.

Indeed, I had an exhausting dream. The emotion I had experienced in the dream was familiar. The dream was a reminder. It put me in the same mental state when I was with anyone, even if that person was my best friend.

The information communicated in the vivid dream was a little overwhelming. Not the typical dreams I had that I could dismiss quickly with my now-excellent dream analyzing and deciphering skills. It contained a message far deeper than a small reminder of my waking reality state of mind.

There was a slight sensation of deep sadness. I dreamt of my best friend from high school. It looked like a happy dream. We went out as a group of six, the best friend and her husband who is also mutual classmate; two other people whom I deciphered as unimportant characters; Mike and I.

In the dream, I was very careful with my words. I considered thrice before responding to the best friend questions. I didn't want to say anything to upset her.

The dream appeared to be an ordinary outing; yet I woke up feeling tight in the chest. I felt relieved that the outing ended; I felt glad that I survived the outing without upsetting anyone; I felt hopelessly drained mentally having to upkeep the harmony in my best effort. I was kept on my toes at all times.

It was a sad dream of my reality. I haven't been completely honest with myself. I had convinced myself that I will someday find a friend who accepts me for who I truly am. The truth is far from my comprehension, or not. I must have known it all the while. I was just harboring false hope, an unrealistic one.

It is a huge revelation that I was and might never be completely comfortable around the best friend, even today. There is always a chance for misunderstanding. It happened many times before in our friendship. It make sense to me now that a normal person has a different set of expectations for what it means to be best friend; it may never be known to her even though I had tried to convince her that what I had done or not done were of simplistic intentions, none intentional to cause hurt. We always came around and make up, but there were times that I got really fed up of being misunderstood. There were times when I could no longer match the impossible expectations.

I never had anyone by my side, until now. Mike might never understand my struggles, but he is probably the only person - apart from my maternal grandpa, who didn't try to understand, he merely accepted me and embraced my eccentricities - who truly believes when I say, 'Always believe that my objective is pure and simple, because I don't come all the way just to cause hurt, it doesn't make sense to me. Always trust me to be honest.'

Even before I knew I have Asperger's Syndrome, I told Mike that if I don't respond in a conversation or joke, it's because I don't understand. There are times that I will clarify with him on the body language or non-obvious (at least not to me) social gestures/language that I have yet update my 'database' with. I asked, '..by that, do you mean you want to go, or do you mean you don't want to go? I don't understand.'. He doesn't think I am trying to be funny or difficult, he understands immediately that I truly don't understand.

I believe that by keeping my own world safe, like what I am doing now, working from home, and staying home for most of the time, may mean risking a result of an outdated social database. Social language is a myth to me, and I memorize them by heart. If I don't socialize anymore, it is likely that I won't understand most of the non-obvious new social language. Even so, I decide to live in my safe world, it's been too tiring for too long. You have not the slightest idea.

Friendships in high school can be quite cruel for Aspie. There were so many complicated social expectations. Groups are formed, and groupies' behaviors vary from one another.

I read a few chapters of the book, 'Pretending to be Normal' by Liane Holliday Willey. The chapter 'Losing My Way' sends pricking pain to my heart. The incidents sounded so familiar, the confusions and frustrations.

Last night, I come to a conclusion that the simple term 'Honesty' is mythified by the modern people. People don't trust people anymore. They don't have the faith of trusting people to be honest. Being honest becomes a weird thing to do.

It is a single edged sword pointing to a person like me, Aspie. Honesty is the easiest thing for me to do, because the complicated process to fabricate anything different from fact is too challenging.

To believe the unbelievers; and to stay true to the untrue. Either way, I get cut, bone deep. If only people have enough faith that honesty exists, I might have lived a very different experience.

On instincts, my default mode is to believe in what people say. It explains why I would fall for the same tricks over again.

I have always enjoyed the good manners displayed in the Victorian era, people always ask for permission before they take any action. They would also pre-alert if they were going to attack. They tend to tell you exactly what they expect of you. Permission is easier for me. I know what to expect. There seemed to be less guessing.

People in our modern days build an impossible expectation that everyone has efficient mind-guessing ability. One that I desperately lack in. I don't guess well, in fact, I always guessed wrong. That pissed people off. They have set very high standard of 'normality', and there is very low tolerance of anyone not understanding the unspoken rule.

What I do well is analysis and profiling. The pre-requisites are to be super observant and meticulous to bits. Those come natural to me. I am a keen observer, and I pick up patterns well enough. These are the fixed elements, at least in my mind. Changes are not an issue, because patterns change when that happen, and I just need to re-group the categories. I am just not good with guessing the non-obvious social indications.

I always admired my mum and sister's ability to grasp the 'you decide for me' or 'anything' when taking meal orders. I don't do that very well, and I am completely lost when I am asked to buy 'anything'. I understand that I am expected to guess what they want, and what they like. I get really stressed up and uncomfortable when that happens, and most of the times, I demand for specific instruction. Of course, my family is more tolerant to my unequipped skills and refusal to oblige. They just assume that I am stubborn and spoilt.

See how this may upset the regular friends? The seemingly unwillingness to oblige?

When I say I prefer not to meet - meeting people is really stressful for me, and when my present stage in life is bound with too many difficult problems with housing and damaged relationship with a parent, maintaining a 'normal' self in social meeting is too much to manage - I am easily misunderstood to be snobbish and unobliging, despite my book-thick explanation*. This results in vengeful responses and action to cause hurt on me, just to knock some senses out of my so-called stubbornness. I get really hurt by friend who did that. If only she is gracious enough about pure honesty, we might have a chance to remain as friends, or not. At some point, the paper friendship is bound to break.

*I decide now that I never have to explain. They won't understand anyway. I never explained during and post-high school days even when I was rumored of the most unimaginable things. I conditioned myself to believe that it was only 'normal' for me to be misunderstood, at least that has been the way I lived my life since I came to senses. This decision has a deeper meaning, it is probably a decision to stop hoping, to stop inviting people into my life.

Knowing what I am, years before I finally get to put a name to my quirkiness, I have told people close to me, 'If you are dying, don't ask me to promise to take care of whoever matters to you, or to take over responsibilities of yours, because I am most likely not to oblige.'

I am not sure if it's just me, or all Aspies define death in a very different manner. Death, is not the biggest deal to me; Living the life is. I will not lie to a dying person just to provide the slightest and meaningless consolation. I take things literally and seriously, and I take it upon myself whenever I promise. That simple promise might change my life forever, from an adjusted comfortable one which is manageable for me, into a highly stressful one, because I take on a life-long promise.

This is one of the reasons why I will not have children. To serve a single life-long vow in my marriage is the most that I could manage. I am not confident that I can live up to be a normal and good parent that the child may wish for.

If only people have enough trust for people, ordinary, or irregular, I might had a chance of having an easier phase of growing up. If only people are more gracious about differences.

I am only a few chapters into the book, but I am gathering that Asian Aspies take a very different journey, because of our more conservative culture. Even today, developmental disorder is not as widely accepted as it should already be. Today, we have more educated people, yet, we can be quite closed-minded dealing with disorders.

If we do not view this issue as important, we will continue to have more children with Asperger's Syndrome who will group up to be adult Aspies. The disorder itself might not be life-endangering, but if only life is about being alive. By teenage, life takes a very different turn and expectation. Being an outcast and 'reject' can hit an Aspie in a way out of your imagination. Know this, we never knew and still don't know, what we had done wrong. We cannot improve what we don't know.

This is not to say that all Aspies are kind or to give credit to excellent personalities. This is purely to state the difficulties and challenges we face, every day, every hour, every minute. Email communication is easier for me, I have more time to avoid saying the wrong thing, even though that can still happen, but at least it helps to alleviate immediate panic to have to respond in the best normal way.

Even though, there are times that I wish so badly to be understood, just the way I meant it; I do not wish for anyone to have the same disorder.

intuitive signs, perhaps

2011-08-29T12:15:00.001+08:00

Apart from the fact that I dream every single night throughout my life, since I woke to consciousness - except for 2 dreamless sleeps - and that I am highly visual, I think my sub-conscious mind works very well with the 'immediately available' information and contents.

Before we went to sleep last night, we watched the 'Avatar' followed by the documentary of Hurricane Katrina.

My dream was flooded with water. I was escaping, and rescuing. It was a somewhat messy yet predictable flow of events. Even the presence of 'Blue' people in the storyline seemed perfectly appropriate!

I didn't fall asleep right away. It wasn't as easy to fall asleep last night, because of the brief nap I took in the afternoon. I pondered, like I always do when there are vacant slots of time.

It could be an intuitive sign of a beginning to change. I enjoy my work, but it doesn't serve a bigger purpose. I love simple living, but that doesn't necessarily means that monotony will not get to me in an exhausting way.

I watch a day passes by, without much meaning tagged to it, everyday. Routine is comfortable, but I am having lesser time for myself, because I am serving the money purpose at this point. This wears me out and down a little.

I begin to question what I hadn't before. This could be an indication. The beginning of the end.

It will always go back to the same swirl of no answer, yet this question is asked by many of us, at some point of our life phases. What is my purpose here? Where do I go from here?

It's my firm belief that every time we ask this question to ourselves, we are probably in the stale state of exhaustion, and perhaps boredom.

The lack of ME-time frustrates me.

If I were to ask that little ugly duckling in the photo, 'What would you want to do when you grow up?', I wonder what would her reply be?

I remember though, I was a pessimistic child, and for majority of my childhood, I wished that we were given the respect of existence - the choice to be born, or not. I hated that I was - still am - different. My best friend from high school remembers vividly that I would not have children, because of how strongly I felt about parents and children relationships.

Often times, I am told that I have a strong character, too strong perhaps. I am made strong because I don't get the protection that I needed. At some point, I stopped hoping to be protected. Being strong is the only known way for me to stay alive.

Once upon a time, there was a family of four. The man of the house had the foulest temper. The anger was triggered by the most trivial matter, in the most unpredictable way. The woman of the house failed to correct the beastly unreasonable behavior of the spouse. The children learned from the role model - mother. That empowered the beast. Human thinks and reasons, therefore whoever is incapable of processing matters the humanly manner, is no diference to an animal.

An angry peson who takes out on others is a selfish person. He releases his negative energy by inflicting emotional and physical hurt to other person; the other person might be having the best day of his life, until he innocently steps into the invisible mines, and blows up the originally good day with bad vibes.

The children of the house learned to deal with their frustrations and anger the same way. Change is only possible if they decide to break the pattern, and understand that the learnt behaviors are wrong.

The woman of the house adopts a 'flight' response to the constantly angry man in the house. She gets out of the house whenever possible. One of the children picks up that coping method and does the same too; while the other child, less brighter in the social behavioral learning, stayed behind and 'fight' the situation. The poor child avoided talking or doing anything drastic at all, each step taken in the house was tip-toed. She hid in one corner playing on her own, and avoided contact at all costs with the angered man.

The angry man gets angrier when the wife and daughter were not at home all the time. See, a selfish man, is always a selfish man. He imagined that he was the king of the house, and he will dictate what was the absolute right, and wrong. If he didn't go out, he failed to comprehend why anyone else in the house should.

The angry man, now angrier, tried to track down the other two members but they refused to take his phone calls. The angrier man takes out on the only punching bag at home.

There is no absolute right or wrong in this story, or is there?

No child is to be left behind. I used to think that it was pure stupidity of this silly child who could choose what the majority did - go out and stay away. I guess, I have been wrong about this. Every child is to be protected, it is not the child's responsibility to be more matured and deal with a supposedly matured adult's anger issue.

The woman could have stood up to the angry man. We can't blame her, the absence of support from our society doesn't empower her in believing that she could support the children on her own.

Many a times, we think giving our children a complete family portrait is a healthy environment to grow up in. If the so-called 'complete' family involves a toxic and ferocious beastly parent, think again.

It is like assuming that having two kidneys is always better. If one kidney has already damaged and is cancerous, do we still think it is better? It may be more challenging to operate with a single kidney, but it is a sure-death to keep a bad one in the system.

I used to think I was stupid, because I didn't know how to run away. Now, I think it is stupid to think that I was stupid because I was never supposed to take the abuses. I was supposed to be protected. It was never my fault when adults couldn't think and manage maturely as they should.

Maybe, when we teach the children moral education in school, we should teach adults how to be good parents.

I strongly disagree on the 'learn on the job' theory for parenting. They say, 'everyone makes mistakes, you will learn as you go along.'. I say, 'Accidents are unpredictable, hence the label 'accidents'; Mistakes are preventable, there are some jobs that just cannot afford nonchalant attitude. Parenting is one of them, because it is a darn serious business. Don't be one, if you don't have the slightest concept of what that means.'. Accidents are acceptable to me; some mistakes aren't.

The woman of the house may have committed a genuine mistake, one that she never knew existed. She could only love and care for her children the only way she knew how to - the way she saw her mother did, tolerated her father's emotional and verbal abuses. Her mother didn't know how to protect the children effectively, because the society provided no support to single parent.

I am confident that the pattern ends with my generation, with me. For some quirky reasons, the quirky me has a special talent - hyper observant towards behavioral pattern. When you live with a ticking bomb, it is only natural that the already sensitive senses are sharpened, so that with each explosion, you add the patterns to the mental log book which will help develop an escape route before the next explosion - or to effectively predict the next explosion. I guess that is why I rarely make the same mistake twice.

The Plan | Presidential Election Day

2011-08-27T12:54:00.000+08:00

It is quite a pleasant day. Raining intermittently since morning. It's too humid as usual, but it's better cool and humid than hot and humid. Just saying.

2011 has been the oddest year in Singapore history, oh well, at least what I think I know about Singapore since my time, which is long enough to develop my own confident judgement; yet not long enough to vote based on blind loyalty.

I don't think we have ever voted for Singapore President - for most of the foreign you, just so you know, the duties of our Prime Minister is probably equivalent to your President (except for England, Singapore's legal and main structure system is heavily influenced by the British, since we were once the British Colony - but we have long done away with Pension system). Our President is respectable, and plays a more diplomatic role in the International platform. He has other duties, those closer to the needs of the citizens.

Don't quote me for this though, I enjoy and value History, always, and excelled quite well in this subject during the school days. That doesn't warrant a perfect knowledge of my own country's history.

Anyway, our previous Presidents seemed unchallenged, and we didn't have to vote. This time around, we have 4 Presidential candidates - with same last name! - so we have to exercise our civic duties to vote for one.

I am glad the poll station is just a few minutes walk from my place. We had planned to have our usual breakfast at home, and after I have harvested my crops on farmville, we will go do our part like everyone else.

I shall not comment more on the election or politics, as I am not the happiest citizen at this point, and I might just get myself in hot soup and who knows, behind the not very pleasant looking striped bars!

I am planning for a more relaxed Saturday. One of the books that I have ordered through The Book Despository, 'Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome, by Dr Tony Attwood' has arrived, and I haven't got time to read it. Reading has become increasingly difficult, because I have very little alone time. I would prefer to have foreseeable uninterrupted dedicated time slot just for reading.

Reading, is very private, unless you are reading to your children or in public. Reading, brings you to your own private world where you reason and understand the context of the book at your most comfortable level. Reading, leaves you enriched and empowered.

So, I need absolute quite time to enjoy a good read, and take as long as I wish to fully comprehend a specific topic or chapter.

I have planned to do some work, ah well, that can wait. It's a sweet Saturday, and the husband is out, so is my mum. It's perfect!

the long walks | solo exploration

2011-08-16T11:55:00.003+08:00

It is probably true to say that I desire for a soul mate, always. If not, someone who could come close to knowing who I really am. This is probably the most unreachable desire - someone who will never misunderstand me of my overly simplistic intention.

There are walks in life that have to be taken alone. Each walk may take as long as it takes, paces out as slowly or hastily as it needs.

I have taken this walk many times before. I have often heard and read that we should walk forward and let go of the past, as we only have NOW to cherish and tomorrow to build.

This logic doesn't apply to me. I wouldn't be where I am now, if I hadn't revisited my past enough - even before I discovered Asperger's Syndrome.

I am destined to take a different, a somewhat lonesome journey since birth. I severely lacked the social skill to have a regular childhood. It does get better with age. Know though, it's a missing 'mechanism' to connect from one point to another in the brain, literally, so I am unlikely to be as normal as you are. It's like a missing cable to link the devices together. All my life, I have been trying to bridge the gap, but I can only compensate the missing cable with loads of information, like the memorizing note cards, just to survive the world of normality.

It gets better because I have 'collected' new skills and tools along many painful experiences. That is why I always need to be prepared of the size of audiences before meeting. It's a mental preparation. I need to pack the right quantity of tools so that it would last me through the meeting. When caught by surprise with more people in the meeting than I initially expected, I would resort to the 'safe'# plan - minimal or no responses to avoid saying the wrong or inappropriate things.

#Not foolproof, even without saying a word, I am often misread as aloof; say, I don't even need to meet the person to make her dislike me, how about that?

I am taking the long walk now. A walk that cannot be rushed.

Revisiting the past is essential and vital in this exploration. If only you could imagine living a life of blames and doubts, you might have the slightest idea why I need to do this, despite the intense emotional struggles.

Have you tried watching the movie 'Avatar' with one eye closed? You would probably still catch most of the stuffs that went on in the movie, but you are likely to miss many good and important details too. After the movie, you hear and read about the rave reviews on this movie, and you wondered why you didn't feel the same way like everyone else. Oh right, you went to watch a 3D movie without the 3D glasses, and worse still, you had one eye closed throughout the movie!

Now, equipped with what looks like a mad-scientist-teleporting-to-the-future glasses, you watch the movie again. Whoa, everything makes perfect sense now! Everything is crystal clear, you are even able to spot the tiniest details on the realistic plants! Everything seems to be unfolding right before your eyes, say, you are now in the movie! Take your time, kid, watch it again if you must. 3D movies can be overwhelming to the brain, and may just overheat the processor with the sudden surge of new information, all bursting at once.

It is something like that for me. With a new pair of 'Asparagus'# aka Asperger's glasses, I walk down this memory lane with a sparkling new perspective. As I walk through each passage, I lit a light and take my time going through the details that have always been there, but only visible to me now.

#What can I tell you? My husband has a lifelong challenge with words, Asparagus is easier for him to manage, so he 'turned' me into an Asparagus. It is important to take this new chapter with a note of lightness and positivity, because our attitudes will determine how we approach, in turn affect the mood management to finish the exploration journey - one that could last forever.

I am getting to know me better now. I am knowing why stories appeal to me. It's a form of compensation. I need many times more data and information than a regular person to help me see the bigger picture. I am scarily meticulous, and I pick up details very well - some people say I am super anal, and I don't deny of that. This is a learnt coping mechanism. I wasn't able to do that when I was a young child.

This was clearly displayed in one particular incident. I was canned most violently when my mother burst in the worst rage because I had my ears pierced which she forbade. I always ask for permission, if you must know. She gave the reason that she had no money - probably S$8-10 back then - for the ear-piercing. I accepted that reason, literally#. I saved up enough money from my meal allowances and had my ears pierced.

#Know that I am always good with any response, yes, or no, but I take the reply as it is, literally. It makes sense to me that the reply is either a positive or negative one. I am not great with 'maybe', because I don't guess very well. That could explain my candidness, or rather, bluntness.

She was so mad at me, she lashed me repeated with the cane and nearly pulled out the freshly pierced earrings off my ears. That episode was so violent that the neighbors came to my rescue. See, most neighbors do not interfere into another family's matter, but they had probably feared for my life. My sister shielded me from the canning, and pleaded on my behalf. My life was spared because the kind neighbors snatched the cane and pulled the 'mother-gone-crazy' away.

It was the same reason for my mother to lose her cool to this extent, that my sister broke down in tears while trying to make me understand why it was smarter to use her method in solving the maths sum.

I didn't think I was in the wrong. Even when I was nearly beaten to death, I rebutted that I saved up the money on my own. That drove my mother to the edge of insanity. It was never about the money, it was the defiance to her order. In the mother's mind, it seemed disastrous that if I couldn't obey her then, what would become of me when I became older?

Ah, you see, either diagnosed of not, it's equally, if not more challenging to be the parent of the child with Austism Disorder. If diagnosed, she might be living in more guilt question what she had done wrong to cause 'me'; undiagnosed, she struggled with an extraordinarily difficult child and there was nothing she could do to make me less difficult. The effect of lack of public education in mental health topics result in my mother resorting to superstitions. She brought me to countless of temples, from one god to another, one fortune teller to another, hoping to find an answer and lift the 'curse' off the most difficult child ever. What can I tell you, mama, you have a 'special' child, we just didn't know it.

During one of the counseling classes# on the module 'Crisis Management', a different technique was taught in dealing with time-sensitive outbursts. A course-mate shared her experience with the class in the role-play model, and each of us had a chance to engage with the 'counselee'. I acknowledged that I will not excel in Crisis Counseling as it requires problem-focused-solution. The story is the master key for me to unlock the door into grasping the problem, before I could even offer any solution.

#I am trained in counseling, I am good at certain areas, and I strongly disagree that Aspie is incapable of empathizing with people. I just don't express it the regular way. I am fully capable of empathy, if not better than the regular people. To have lived a challenging life as I did, I am highly capable in rendering a non-judgmental approach, hence receiving all with a blank page.

My primary interest lies with Psychology, because I am better with analysis, research and theories, and it's been a lifelong interest to understand human behaviors.

Adult Aspie doesn't necessarily requires a formal diagnosis, for most of us, the diagnosis is not available anyway. We know what we are, the past cannot be forged. DO NOT dismiss us as hiding behind a label of disability.

I agree that the traits of the Autism Disorder 'lighten' as we age, but make no mistake, it is not vanished for good.

I believe that it is because of the difficult life phases being an undiagnosed Aspie in those many years, I managed to survive this world largely populated with normal people. Don't get me wrong, it is probably nicer - I don't believe it's ever easier in anyway - to grow up in a loving and supportive environment, but since I cannot change my past, I am appreciating the fact that I have survived the possibly hardest part, and given a second chance to finally live a genuine life.

Unlike you, the social and communication skills I now have in my magic bag are like hardwares - acquired at exorbitantly high prices. They are natural skills that are pre-programmed in you at birth, I guess the 'assembler' has a different plan for me, and decided that I should take a route that is not as well traveled by the general public. Am I upset? Not really, I have enough faith to believe that the divine purpose has been long set, it is just not immediately clear to me now, but it will come one day that I know exactly why I am built the way I am, and serve a bigger purpose in a helpful meaning, much larger than myself and my disability.

Faith, intangible yet the strongest element to keep anything and everything together.

keeping a secret diary

2011-08-14T14:57:00.001+08:00

I am not too much of a fan for pink, or blings.

I found this App - My Secret Diary - for iPad, and it is one of the free diary that comes with a lock. Oh well, I can live with pink and blings.

I used to keep diaries in the past. Diary is great for recording private and honest thoughts. It doesn't judge you, or impose impossible expectations on you. You may doodle, scribble, even paste a few stickers here and there, it doesn't mind a bit, at all.

My old physical diaries don't exist anymore. Too much private thoughts recorded, so I shred the pages in the smallest pieces possible and toss them out in separate bags. Right, watching too much movies can do that to a person, by taking extra additional precautions.

This seems like a neat application to use. The contents are locked away with a digital lock, and the diary is locked away behind the iPad screen lock! The security system doesn't appear to be unbreakable, but I guess it is good enough for me at this point.

Growing up, I am convinced that no one understands me, and I will never be understood. Keeping a diary seems like a good way to falsify the tiniest faith that at least I could speak with 'something' that understands me, truly.

weird and entertaining dreams | I'm with Jung on dream interpretations

2011-08-14T11:43:00.002+08:00

I am not a fan to any particular theorist in Psychology. I must have mentioned too many times, Psychology is a relatively young discipline, and as human race continues to evolve, so is the environment, so is the technology and a bunch of other stuffs, so is the mind, so is the behavior, so should Psychology theories and diagnosis.

That said, I am with Carl Jung on Dream Interpretations. Say, I think I understand where Sigmund Freud was coming from on his own grasp about dreams, but since Jung was his student, and by the time Jung was matured enough to have a 'mind' of his own on this subject, many doors and windows were opened up to new possibilities. As the father of Psychology, we can't deny the possibility that Freud could be stuck in the balloon of his own ego.

Anyway, this is not to discuss about their relationship or even to attempt to determine who is right or wrong. The beauty of Psychology - which studies the mind - is that there is no absolute right or wrong. Honestly, we can't really see the mind, we could open the skull and look into the brain, scan with all kinds of sophisticated equipments, but we are really looking at the brain. Mind activities and interactions could be far more mysterious than the superstitious ghosts! I reckon that is why any topic related to Psychology and Psychiatry is prone to attract controversial reactions, yes?

My dream, yes, here goes...

So, with multitude of mental and psychological activities going on with me for the past few days, it is no surprise that I have quite a weird, yet entertaining dream last night.

I dreamt of a classmate from my Secondary school. She was a rich girl in our 'clan'. In the dream, she was getting married soon, and I was her maid of honor. This is where the weird part began. On the eve of her wedding, we (I, with some other unimportant characters) delivered some items to her large mansion - in reality, she lived in a huge bungalow situated in the 'golden' estate in Singapore - and throughout the mansion, the lights were dimly lit, and looked somewhat eerie. What crept me out was that they were playing music played on funerals!

The bride's mother explained that the General - her father in the dream, in reality, I have not met her father, but I knew that her parents traveled frequently - had escaped from the prison, and was heading back home. The music was a way to try to scare the General.

Even in the creepy environment, I found it quite amusing.

I was not required to stay, so I headed to the flea market to help out with an ex-boyfriend - who sometimes looked like my current husband in reality, you know how the characters may sometimes feel like several people who bear similar 'meaning' to you? In the dream, some characters changed in appearances but they are normally belonging to similar 'group' in terms of what they mean to you in reality - who just broke up me. We seemed to have an improved relationship after that.

On the following day#, on hearing that the General - depicted in the dream as a common devil and enemy to everyone - was heading our way, the ex-boyfriend decided to pack up and move to another state.

#As always, dreams don't always flow smoothly or logically. It was supposed to be the wedding day, but I guess the dream-maker aka the sub-conscious mind decided to just slot in another day for the ex-boyfriend.

His stall felt like a Lego constructed structure, which we had to climb to dismantle the stall, top-down. While taking a break, he told me that he had ordered a 'break-up' paper which should be delivered to us soon. It was to 'officiate' the break-up. I was confused, why did we need to officiate a break-up that was already broken up? In case you are thinking that I was getting upset and angry at this point, I was actually quite amused by the redundant step. A part of my mind was trying to make sense of the logic. It felt like it was necessary for the ex-boyfriend, and he looked really apologetic in the eyes. It felt like he was trying to protect me, rather than hurting me.

Anyhow, with any physical activities, I fumbled and fell, but didn't break anything. It felt 'normal' that I fell, he wasn't expecting otherwise too.

Next up, we were at Ikea shopping for furniture. Why, you ask? I don't know, it's a funny dream, remember? While shopping, we met his sister, who was also related to the bride. (In reality, they are all not related) This sister looked like my Secondary School's best friend's eldest sister! The sister liked my flip flops and asked to try them on. When approaching the car after the shopping was done, we saw the General's car - that looked like the military tank! - passed by, and he SAW us!

I remembered that the sister didn't return the slippers, so I asked for them. We looked down to find the slippers on my feet! And no, dreams can sometimes be quite irresponsible, no finale on the wedding, or whether we were every caught up by the General. It just ended at that, I had my slippers on my feet!

Dreams don't have rules, at least not in the rational manner. Dreams are personal, and relavant to just the person who dreams of them. As always, I remember dreams quite vividly, as though I had watched a movie after downing a tall glass of scotch. It might be a tad fuzzy because it didn't make perfect logical sense, yet, everything seems to be relevant.

The emotions that were triggered during and right after the dream are vital, in my opinion. The context of the dream may sound like a funny story when told, but only the dreamer who walked the dream knows best.

I felt entertained, and quite comfortable while in the dream. Some things didn't make sense, such as the break-up paper, but it is usually section like this that requires additional attention in the waking moment. Many times, the dream has one key message to pass on to the dreamer, but if we are experiencing overwhelming emotions and thoughts in reality, the dream may also consist of other milder messages. In this case, the classmate's wedding, and other less importantly stuffs that constructed the dream. Often times, these 'elements' and 'characters' do mean something too, but not immediately urgent to decipher.

If I were to relate the dream to my current reality, I would suppose that officiating the break-up is relevant to a formality that my conscious mind is struggling to dismiss. The break-up felt like a relief, a little sadness, but mostly a load off the heavy mind. It is probably relating to my recent self-discovery and self-diagnosis of Asperger Syndrome. It has been a relief, but with a pinch of sadness while revisiting the past of all the blames and accusations which resulted in undesired outcomes in friendships and relationships.

(No, I am not insinuating that everything that happened in the past has everything to do with the Aspie condition and that none is my fault; I am saying that it is inevitable that it has a great influence on my decision making process especially when it comes to relationship management.)

It felt redundant for the need to officiate a break-up that was broken up. Yet, it didn't feel all wrong too. See, I always have a problem with guessing if people mean what they say, so I get confused when the ex-boyfriend continued to care about me after the break-up. I needed to be told firmly 'I want to break up with you, and I don't love you the same anymore. Period.'

So, I would relate that to a formal diagnosis to affirm the self-diagnosis. We don't have a specialized department for adult Aspie diagnosis. To have a professional diagnosis could be too costly, and unlike some countries, we don't have disability benefit. It's notable that the 'struggle' was light and fleeting. It was probably just a light debate between the conscious and subconscious. See, I grew up relying on fact sheets as a form of security to help me do the right thing, this area is improved tremendously, but it's still the skeleton that I will always second-guess myself when making a judgement on the non-obvious.

So now you know, don't ever ask me to guess who you are if I can't identify you right away, it causes great amount of stress and at some point of growing up, I simply do not guess, I give ultimatum of 'tell or I will hang up on you', and I always mean what I say, just saying.

Oh well, so I woke up feeling quite refreshed and cheerful due to the entertaining nature of the dream, and I have my sub-conscious mind to thank for. It is like my most loyal best friend that I never had, who helps to lighten up the load off the mind by un-cluttering and processing them while the conscious mind goes to sleep.

come, take a walk with me

2011-08-13T14:10:00.008+08:00

This is probably a boring blog post for most of you, but it's a leap over an invisibly high hurdle for me.

In the recent years, I begin to grasp at 'what' I am, but I didn't have a word for it. It must be a prayer answered, I reckon.

I have taken multiple self-diagnosis tests on Asperger's Syndrome. I have always wanted to know what is wrong with me, but it doesn't amount to desperation to tag just any disorder to explain myself. I never had to explain myself, since a child, I just get misunderstood, for things I did, or not done. After a while, I conditioned myself that I would get misunderstood, anyway - this is not right, we shouldn't have to be misunderstood.

With hindsight, it's probably what I have not done that upset people.

Come, take a walk with me, I shall show you a childhood, teenage life, and adulthood that might be somewhat different from the normal yours.

I love my sister, so does everyone else. I was baffled with the fact that she was a mischievous child, but she was well loved, anyway. We played games with other children in our neighborhood sometimes, I was never a popular choice as game partner. The first day of school was gawd-frightening for me that I almost broke the door and screamed my lungs out, and the teacher had to let me out of the room. I went to Kindergarten with my sister guarded over me by the window outside the classroom, I felt safe. My mother was told that I was too quiet and non-responsive to questions. It was dismissed that I was just weird. I was 5 years old.

I was always a loyal friend, because that makes sense to me, as I was taught. Like a puppy, I did what I was told. The friend abandoned me anyhow. I was heartbroken, as I didn't understand what I had done wrong. I was 7 years old.

My sister asked if I had fifty cents to lend her, I couldn't answer the simple 'yes or no' question. I had one dollar, so I didn't know if I should answer it as yes, or no. I told her I had one dollar - this sounds funny to you, but even for a simple question like this, I had to struggle to answer, she took the one dollar instead of the fifty cents she asked to borrow initially (know that she was also a child, a very smart one though, this mention in this section is not to discredit my sister or to make her look bad). I was 8 years old.

I enjoyed - still do - repetitive tasks. Monotonous schedule makes me feel safe and calm. I hate - which I eventually learnt to overcome and manage - surprises, of any kind, because I didn't know how to react to it. I was extremely upset when uninvited and unexpected guests turned up on my birthday party. I hated birthday celebrations - still don't enjoy, anyway. I was 10 years old.

I began to notice that people tell lies all the time, and they are very socially popular. I thought I could learn how to do that too. One particular fabricated story ended with a dead cousin in the most unimaginable mysterious way. The lie was a complete failure. I felt extremely stressed during the process of lying, and clearly, the friends believed it until the cousin 'died' in my story. I acknowledged that I have extremely poor gauging skill on when the lie is immoderately ridiculous. I was 12 years old.

Forgive me if I hadn't been gracious in accepting criticism; all my life, I have been criticized and loathed at, without having done a thing. My sister and I used to make jokes that I have a special gift in making people dislike me effortlessly. I just needed to sit there, doing absolutely nothing, and people didn't like me.

My friends and I went to a friend's place. We walked in to the apartment together, we said hi and shook hands with other new people in the apartment. I didn't initiate any conversation unless someone did. I spoke with my own friends mostly, to be socially safe. On the following day, one of the girls that we just met, sent out notices that she didn't like me and I was warned of a possible bashing. I awaited for my 'ill fate' quite calmly, while my sister and friend responded quite violently towards it. I replied, 'there is nothing I could do, I didn't do anything to make her dislike me, I surely couldn't do anything to stop her from organizing anything against my will'.

My sister broke down in tears out of frustration when coaching me Mathematics sum. I needed to follow precise instruction as the working method specified by the teacher, but she was teaching me advanced steps in the working methods. I insisted that she must teach me how to do it the slower method. She cried, literally. She never helped me in my homework thereafter. I knew then, I was rigid, and assumed I was also stupid. (I now know, I was not stupid, I was just incapable of working things around the literal instruction. I thought I would make a good soldier, follow commands without question, but I really hate stickiness from sweating, so I guess I couldn't be a soldier after all.) I was in Primary school.

My best friend wanted my company to an event when the celebrity visited Singapore. I refused. I had acknowledged by then that I hate crowd, noises, bright sunlight, and heat. I have always been quite literal, and raw honest, because when I tried to 'beautiful' my reply, it always turned out wrong. Strangely, people always need justification to a reply, especially for a reply that they don't wished for. I gave my reasons, which clearly weren't reason enough, she didn't speak with me for more than 2 weeks. She was always angry at me, and I had completely no clue to what I had done. Now I know, it was what I didn't do - I am not built to live up to 'normal' expectation, I needed to be told with concise instruction what was expected of me. She knew I was eccentric and indifferent, she just didn't know - well, I didn't know myself - that I was not normal, and never will be. I found myself apologizing all the time, in order to keep the friendship that I cherished dearly. On most occasions, I didn't know why I was apologizing for.

To make you understand the 'wrongful' accusations and the intensity of pain that I had gone through all my life, I ask that you try imagining a child born with a third leg during medieval times. Due to absence of knowledge and information of deformity, the villagers outcast the child as a witch or cursed devil. The child was convinced of such accusation and lived a misunderstood life and was held responsible for all the undesired things that happened in the village. A responsibility that she was never capable of resulting.

I have been told all my life to try to be normal - just like everyone else, they say. Romantic relationships were especially difficult because I was expected to be like any other girlfriend. The ex-husband once said, 'why can't you be like any other wife? why are you being so difficult?'. I was tired all the time, trying to keep up with 'normality'. After a day's work dealing with co-workers, customers, and just regular people, I needed to be quiet alone, or to enjoy quality time with just one person I love. Often times, that was considered aloof, anti-social (yeah, tell me about it now!) and self-centered. Even the boyfriend gave up trying to understand the quirky me.

Now that I could finally put a name to the indifference in me, it is filled with mixed feelings. Part of it was a great relief to finally able to fill in all the blanks in which I inhibit most of the symptoms; another part is a great sense of sadness while revisiting the past with a brand new perspective, which is necessary, in order to finally forgive myself for all that had happened.

I spent a huge part of my life pretending to be normal - the normal that you know; I spent another huge fraction of time trying to make sense of it, but there was always a missing piece to complete the puzzle.

I am glad I have found it. As an adult Aspie, many of the symptoms are washed out - rather, compensated. I firmly believe that we are able to work around the invisible disability and enjoy this world shared with the majority - normal people. Unfortunately - at this point of my life - some deficits may still persist, possibly permanently. Know that it's an actual lack of 'connectivity' in the brain to segment that promotes social skills.

I always snip the clothes label off, regardless of the brand, brands don't make sense to me, high discomfort does. I buy same clothes of similar material in different colors when I find one that sits comfortably on the skin. I have relatively high threshold level for pain, so it often result in lateness in treatment for physical illnesses. I fumble, fall, and hurt myself frequently because of poor motor skills - this has been greatly improved by conscious self-reminding, basing on previous experiences. I have extremely low tolerance for noises, and sudden sounds like phone ringing - that explains why my cell phone is always smothered under the pillow when it rings unexpectedly.

Professional diagnosis for Asperger's Syndrome for adult is not vastly available, due to the complexity. AS diagnosis is likely to be removed from the DSM 5 in May 2013 and replaced with diagnosis on scale of severity in Autism Spectrum Disorder . Most adult Aspies - a term coined by Liane Holiday Willey in 1999 - are self-diagnosed. Most fund supports research and diagnosis for children, which in my case is very unfortunate, because back then, we were - probably still is - very under-developed in the areas of Psychology and Psychiatry researches and treatments.

It doesn't help that Psychiatry and Psychology is still perceived as social taboo, especially in the Asian regions.

Would things be easier for me if I had been diagnosed during my early childhood? I can't answer that, I have enough faith to believe that my life has been designed to work out the way it did for a reason. It certainly hadn't been easy to live a 'rejected' life like mine, and perhaps, hopefully sooner and not later, I live to see positive changes made in this aspect.

I am not sure if I would consider myself luckier to be a functioning Aspie. The good thing is that I seem to be functioning as normally as I could manage. Unlike typical Austic child, I had never received the automatic compassion that I would really have appreciated, so that is counted as the down-side.

I am tired of being misunderstood, so try to get this right. I am not happy to have self-diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, but it is definitely a relief. Only if you live a life like mine, you might never be able to understand why it is vital to have an answer, finally.

What I can take away from this acknowledgement, is that I don't deserved to be taken granted for. I am indeed happier alone, because it is unbelievably exhausting trying to fit into where I don't belong. I can never belong in your circle, without having to try very hard.

I am however, the group that is capable of holding up as 'normal' person, enjoying regular jokes and socializing, probably for a day - now I know why I couldn't have a full day wedding, I get really drained by afternoon, trying to mingle with people, 'normally'. I know it's very difficult for you to comprehend, if you are normal, but what comes natural to you is extremely challenging for me to keep up with. Every time I respond, my brain auto-trigger the second-guessing, 'did I say it right?', 'is it socially acceptable?', 'am I embarrassing my friend or partner?'. You have no idea what it is like to be me.

I am in a better place now though. Perhaps that is why the universe has decided that I am finally ready to handle the truth. Things improved tremendously once I accept myself for who I truly am, and not who I try to be. I have chosen to work in a manageable platform - online business, doing what I absolutely enjoy doing. I don't communicate with people on the phone, unless desperately necessary. I find textual responses more manageable. It allows more time for me to reply in a less offending manner - which might happen without my knowledge - and for me to stay in my comfortable organized timetable to work effectively.

Now, I can top that lifestyle off by not making too many friends with others. I know that it is just a lacking skill that I may never acquire, in judging people accurately when it comes to motives.

Looking back, I now know why I upset some other fellow crafters along the way. Before I went into this business, I collected a bunch - too much - of data and information on the rules and regulations in setting up business in Singapore. See, information and knowledge make me feel very safe, and I do have an obsession in data collection, because I grew up trying very hard to do the right thing, always, just so that I could minimize the effect of being disliked - doing the right thing, enhances my self-esteem and self-worth. I would write to a fellow crafter and provide information that she didn't ask for. I am literal, and I am not clever with phrasing myself right, I am often perceived as trying to be smart and trying to make others look bad.

I now know too, that people are not as literal and transparent. It is now very understandable why I take friends too seriously. After all, it is one key element that I lack in my life, and probably always will. I was never able to keep friendship. Every friendship is hard to come by for me, I never take any for granted.

Knowing this, also affirms that many people haven't been kind to me. Even if I didn't have this condition, it is still unkind to treat a person poorly. Even if I weren't a natural embarrassment, it is unkind to make someone feels unworthy.

References:
Asperger Syndrome on Wikipedia
Asperger's Syndrome Foundation
Aspie-quiz

Putting a name to the 'problem' | Mine is Asperger

2011-08-11T11:24:00.005+08:00

If I have a choice, I will always choose truth and fact, because they are easier for me to deal with.

I was reading articles on 'Zite' application on my iPad last night, and under the section 'Psychology and Mind', a particular article caught my eye - "Self-Discovery and Asperger Syndrome: a Personal Story".

It's truly the 'Ah-Ha' moment for me. As I read on, it explains a lot, heck, it explains everything. I can't say it better than the author, it is as though I am reading from a mirror.

In an instant, my life makes perfect sense!

I went on to do the AQ Test online, and I scored 37* on a retest this morning. I might get a 'perfect' score if I had not mingled with more normal people in my life. My symptoms were much more severe when I was a child.

A more detailed test can be found at Aspie-quiz

*I find it more effective to do the test alongside with someone who doesn't judge you for who you are, yet know you very well. I did the test with Mike affirming each question. See, people like me, we have been 'correcting' our behaviors for our entire life, we developed a 'grey' area of what is, what is not. We resist some flaws, and because we have been constantly trying to correct what is, we confuse 'what to be' with 'what really is'.

I guess, the first 'diagnostician' who identified my symptoms would be my sister, when she was under 8 years old. There we have it, a child is born innocent and truthful until they learnt it otherwise.

I was always hiding behind the big sister. Yet, my social awkwardness embarrassed her, always. She didn't like having me around. Oh well, can we blame her? I didn't know - still not good at it - how to say things I don't mean, I am not diplomatic, I am just raw honest.

I belong outside the regular social circles. Even at this point, saying this out loud on a public platform, is very difficult for me - unless you are like me, it is not easy to comprehend what it is like to be misfitting, and almost like a damaged product, it is sad to know that I don't belong to most popular circles.

To help you understand better. For me, learning to be socially likable is like memorizing the formula by heart.

If it is hard in the western countries to fully accept any abnormality in personality or brain, which result in behavioral differences to that of a 'normal' person; it is harder in the Asian continents, since we are much slower in the area of Psychology development.

All my life, I tried to be normal. I suffered many failed friendships and relationships because I tried to be what I am not. I couldn't explain better of my 'differences' to people, even those very close to me. I always knew I am different, I just couldn't put a word to it.

I did a bunch of things that I didn't enjoy, only because I tried to blend in to be somewhat 'normal'. I hate partying, I hate crowd and noises; I partied anyhow, but even during the 'training' days when I partied every other day because my best friend and boyfriend(s) wanted me to, I didn't know how to react 'socially normal' to approaches from strangers. I needed 'chaperon'. I was uncomfortable in rejecting people, because I was afraid to offend, and I knew I didn't have to try too hard to achieve that. I am just awkward, not by choice.

The years of trying so hard to please, trying to fit in, was exhausting.

I have difficulty in guessing ulterior motives. I am not stupid - now I know - it is just one of my deficits.

When a person say no, I don't second guess. Friends used to get upset with me because I was a retard when it comes to the social need to persuade the person who just said no to me. I don't see the point to that, and it is very challenging for me to try to understand the underlying meaning of 'no.. but I really mean yes, if you persuade me more'. What I did was to ask the question over and over again, attempting to convince the person that I would take the face value as it was, so if he meant otherwise, it would be a good time to make it clear.

Don't get me wrong, I am grateful to all the people that crossed my paths in my younger days. Said better by the author of that article, I spent all the years compensating, my social skills are improved. You cannot blame my sister for not wanting me around her, she was a child, and I was extremely awkward.

One of the common - and possibly saddest - question that I asked was, 'Do I embarrass you?'. I knew all the while that I am a social dysfunction, and because I don't know how to do things otherwise than the simplistic way, I love people sincerely. I would hate that I cause embarrassment to anyone in any way.

Now, I can better understand why my past relationships didn't work. I was in the phase of pretending to be normal, just like most of everyone else; and I was suffering inside. I was constantly pushing myself to be what I am not. Say, it's hard to be disliked, and I get that a lot.

This might be the strangest thing for the normal you to say, but it seemed like the perfect acknowledgement for me. When Mike and I started to date, I told him that I am not normal, and I will never be. A few years earlier, I had a much needed long quiet time to myself after a 'perfect storm' that messed up my pseudo 'normal' life, one that I tried to shape into. It came a time that I decided to stop doing what I don't enjoy doing, and be just myself.

Believe it or not, even though it was challenging to be normal; it is seemingly struggling to stop pretending to be normal. It could be a good thing. Perhaps, I do need some form of abnormality - which is completely normal to you - to strike a balance, in order to continue to be the high functioning autistic person.

Did I tell you that I used to gaze in blank for a seemingly long period of time when I was little? It was - still is - calming to just be alone for a while and not have to deal with anything that has to do with anyone. 'Anyone' is tiresome to deal with.

clarisonic dream

2011-08-07T10:55:00.000+08:00

So I had planned to order the Clarisonic Mia Sonic Skin Cleansing brush forever, and one thing crops up after another - fine, iPad happened, so this got pushed back!

I believe we have the Clarisonic classic retailed in Singapore, but as you would know by now, I barely get out of the apartment, and when I do, it's almost because it's necessary. From experiences, I normally don't have time to hunt for a product while we are out. What can I say? A day is not exactly long enough to try to fit in months of to-dos.

This is one of the precise times that I truly appreciate internet, and the evolution of shopping experience - from physical retail shopping to nearly boundary-free eShopping! After reading many - and read this, I have only heard good things about this little thing - rave reviews, this went straight to my 'to-buy' list. Fortunately, I maintain a very short buying list.

The Mia is the baby version of the Classic, so I read. It is a travel size brush which comes with a travel charger, which is good for cross-border uses. I just need to plug it into the multi-adaptor and leave it to charge.

Although Mia is smaller in size, the brush head is the exact same size as Classic, and apart from the 2-speeds that Classic offers, most reviewers have pointed out that the smaller price tag of Mia outweighs the 2-speeds swtich which is hardly a distinctive benefit.

The brush set is concealed and water-proof, so there is no opening to plug in your charger, it's a magnetic attachment. Each full charge (24 hours for initial charge; 18 hours for subsequent charge) should give you 20-ish uses.

I ordered mine from SkinCareRx and enjoyed a 20% discount from a promotion they were running. I was contemplating to order from SkinStore since they are selling the set at the same price as the earlier. I decided to go with SkinCareRx because of the shipping options offered to ship to Singapore.

I chose the most cost effective shipping via Fedex International Economy - 3 to 5 working days. The order was shipped on 02 August and arrived on 05 August. I operate my business online, and I ship to and from worldwide more regularly than domestic delivery, among the destinations, USA is the top ranker. Fedex and DHL have always been my favorite, as they offer fabulous service. I don't use UPS ever - too many bad experiences and horrid customer service.

So, the package arrived, and I couldn't wait to use, but believe it or not, I always read the literature of products and medications. And it says to charge 24 hours battery charge prior to first use. Sure thing, I can do that, with a small price, that is.

SkinCareRx makes me a very delighted customer with the super fast turnaround, and they even dropped in some samples to try out. I don't expect extras, but any additions are always bonuses, and I appreciate the gesture.

See, I have a beautiful mind - at least I wish to think so - it comes out to play when I go to sleep every night. The good thing about it is that it leaves me with mostly very vivid impressions of where it has gone to, in the lalaland.

Now, I also think that the beautiful mind feeds on the curiosity and plays detective when the conscious me is constrained to explore the answers.

Yes, I dreamt of the many different experimentations with the sparkling sweet Mia - I've gotten my favorite color, yellow.

When I woke up yesterday morning, I remembered the dream as the mind left it, and can't help but smile silly at myself. The inquisitive mind wanted to know if the device was as good as the reviews have claimed!

Last night, I used it for the first time - in reality, in case you are confused. The 'brush' which sounded like an abrasive term, is surprisingly super soft. The sonic cleansing - vibrations - on the face feels like gentle massages. We may think that only the body muscles ache, what do you know, the facial muscles need massages too, at least I think so, since it feels really good with the sonic massages!

After the shower, I came back to the room and told the husband, 'Psychologically, my face feels cleaner already!'. I can't really tell if I was too excited about the new product, or that my skin really was better cleansed. I decide to conclude only when I have used it for a prolonged period.

This morning, I used it with my Vichy cleanser, which foamed up quite a bit while I brushed, but I guess I could get used to it, at least till I finished this tube of cleanser - the set comes with a non-foaming cleanser though. Now, I am not exaggerating, but the skin really is smoother!

I have very sensitive skin, and plagued with eczema forever. It takes almost immediately for the angry skin to flare up if it is not treated well. I am happy to report that the skin seems to be quite happy with sonic cleansing!

I shall wait and see if it helps with minimizing pores and other skin imperfections.

I am on leave officially, really..

2011-08-01T10:43:00.000+08:00

I am going to try to stay away from work, but as you know, in my line of work, there is a faintest line between work, and life.

If we are supposed to enjoy life, that explains a lot why the separation line is barely there. I love my work, as much as I enjoy my life.

This is probably the one time that I am deliberately drawing a concise line to separate work from rest days. It hasn't been that successful since I have been reading my work emails, but I am not responding - fine, I replied to one of them - until my official leave is over!

The constant challenge with the work I do is that I don't know how to rest, as the husband points out.

I will always have new ideas and new projects I keep under the sleeves, waiting to be carried out. The sketch book is filled with many papers of 'next projects'. Even though I feel quite accomplished - not necessarily amount to being adequate, I always want to do more, so it's never adequate - at work, but I feel frustrated at times with the things I want to do on the personal pages.

Now that I have 3 off days - I am such a workaholic that I didn't stop working even when I was hospitalized, with the hand plugged to a drip throughout the stay, I love hospital food though - I am feeling really excited.

It sounds silly, but I woke up this morning, knowing for the first time in many years that my world will not be rushed.

I am excited that I can finally soothe that frustrated me because I will be clearing some to-dos from my personal 'cabinet' which has been neglected for a bit.

It is the kind of day that you are exhilarated by the wholeness of yourself; when you can do just exactly what you want, sort of. (I doubt I could have a 100% of the ideal 'MY' day, since I don't live alone, but at least I have liberated myself to do mostly what I want to do, and not feel guilty about it.)

know your kryptonite

2011-07-29T16:04:00.000+08:00

The problem with watching too many Super Heroes shows is that we tend to relate better with the 'super' terminology.

Do you know your personal Kryptonite?

My life-long persisting Kryptonite is friendship. I could never really fathom friends, especially when my simple brain could only process all friends under the same pool regardless of their educational level, family backgrounds, or wealth.

I know many of us group friends in various segments. That is my 'disability'. I don't know how to do that. Say, I am easily 'conned' by friends, and as much as I hate to admit, it's really my responsibility.

I am probably not the most valued friend to many of my friends, at least whom I thought were my friends. I am the fast food that fills the crave for carbs; always quick in response and always available; comfort food for most people. The food that someone thinks about, yet not good enough to be considered delicacy to put on the dining table that is surrounded by the other 'upper class' friends.

Often, we think we are better than some others, yet the truth is far deeper from the shallow perception.

Since this topic is my blindest spot, I explored with confidante - genuine friend who stood by me all these years - and the husband on this issue. A recurring problem is a permanent problem until the root of cause is identified and dealt with. There is nothing scary about truth, it's more frightening not knowing where the root of the problem lies with.

No matter how busy I may be, I will always find time to help a friend. I put everything aside because I am unsuspecting of the 'need' - clearly I have to distinguish 'need' from 'want' - of a friend.

By making myself always available creates super convenience and misguiding impression that I have nothing better to do.

See, I hardly call friends - I don't even call Mike - because I didn't want to interrupt the friend from whatever he/she is doing. I call, only because it's important, and essential. Naturally, I would think that people do that too. I mean, seriously, who would call me in the middle of the night when it's completely unnecessarily? What do you know, people do that!

I am unsuspecting. I have a boring and rigid personality.

The good news is that I think I have made progress. I stopped answering phone calls. Mike would have to email or viber before he calls.

I have a super busy work schedule, and I need too much personal time and space, therefore, I am always busier than busy.

I didn't think 'friends' would call me just to fill in their 'suddenly' freed up spare time, but they do! They leverage on the guilt factor and 'begged' you to talk to them on absolutely unimportant topic, just to kill time. You stopped your world just to entertain them, and almost as sudden and abrupt as the call came, they had to put down the call as the person they were meeting was there; or their turn to pay at the cashier was up. I guess, I just made myself a disposable tissue paper, which they didn't exactly need in the first place.

See, when I say this, I truly mean it that I don't think it's entirely their fault. If I don't want to be a floor mat, I don't have to. Many people call others to talk about nothing important, and the others do the same for others, so it's a norm.

Believe me, I had tried - clearly not hard enough - explaining that I couldn't talk because I had work to rush. More than often, my time is thought to be less precious, because they asked, 'what could you be possibly be busy with at home?'.

Oh right, that is another area of misconception. 'Work from home' to the narrow-minded is the same as 'doing nothing at home'. It's almost meaning that unless you are cladded with executive suite, and pretending to look busy and stressed out, your time is not time because you are probably not making enough money from home.

Actually, it's not so difficult to understand why it's too tough a 'sum' for my not-clever-enough brain to work on, right?

On my last years in the Secondary School, in the Arts stream - one that was considered as the god-forsaken batch - I learned that these 'worst' students are not lousy people, they just lack the good fortune to be born in a regular home with regular responsible parents; they lack the opportunity to learn normally like any other regular students because perhaps one of their parents is in rehab or prison, and they had to work at a tender age. They could have been the smartest student, like a snob you have grown to become, but they didn't have the good fortune like you had.

I was the so-called 'fallen angel' who was thought to be desperately needed to be saved by 'upper class' people where I was supposedly from; to be saved from the embarrassment of 'uncivilization'. I wasn't needing to be saved, I needed to be exactly where I was. I was never embarrassed by anyone, and clearly I never thought I would be an embarrassment. Perhaps, I never thought anyone is perfect or saint enough to feel embarrassed by another person's lack of good fortune.

If anything, I am often embarrassed by the pompous snobs.

Friends are just friends; colleagues become friends, sub-contractors become friends, friends of friends become friends. There are no rich friends, poor friends, study friends, waste time friends.

So, it's recommended that I sleep through the uncilivilization displayed by the highly civilized. What can I tell you, I really don't mind a nap now!

a typically untypical day

2011-07-20T12:25:00.003+08:00

On a typically untypical day, the routine is in place..

At around 7.30am to 8.00am, my bio-clock sounded off, and the automation mode begins...

1. To the bathroom, brush teeth, wash up.
Today: to the bathroom, put on yellow rubber glove, squat down, dismantled the drainage connector to wash basin, rinsed and washed, assembled back to wash basin, washed the wash basin, washed and removed glove and let dry on top of dryer, returned to bathroom to do step 1.

2. Return to room, skincare regime, switch off air-con, sometimes 'instruct' the meow to wake the Master up.
Today: no change

3. Proceed to kitchen, boil water, make coffee and green tea, make simple sandwich - cheese sandwich, toast for me, fresh from packet for the hoosbend.
Today: carry laundry bag to service balcony, separated light and dark laundry, put 1st batch laundry to run in wash cycle, boiled water, asked if mum wanted the egg sandwich, prepared cheese sandwich for Mike, make coffee and green tea, oiled frying pan with olive oil, sliced fresh tomato, loaded bread into toaster, cracked eggs onto pan, spread olive oil spread followed by ketchup onto toasted bread, laid sliced tomatoes onto bread, flipped eggs on pan, placed eggs onto bread, added sliced cheese, cover with the other toast. Cut the sandwich into half, ready to serve.

4. Bring sandwich to work desk where we have our breakfast while checking email/farmville harvesting.
Today: Mum changed, ready to leave home for her majong session, so sandwich was served to her in the living room. I brought my sandwich to the work room, cursing the darned humid weather in my head, turned the fan facing my seat, turned on the computer, took the first bite of sandwich. Ready to harvest crops on Farmville via Facebook. Checked emails on Entourage.

5. Process orders, print invoices, pack orders, place them in the 'mail bag', so that Mike brings to Post Office before leaving home.
Today: Same as above, except some extra 'excitement'. Received email from a kind buyer of the copyright infringement of my patterns on a foreign forum. Infringement verified. Wrote to the webmaster of the forum to demand for immediate shutting down of specific threads, gave 4 hours' grace time to perform the removal, or I will submit the already prepared DMCA complaint to the web hosting provider to shut the entire forum down. Submitted a legal DMCA complaint to google as the articles are hosted with them.

Pissed, but manageable frustration. I am unwilling 'flattered' for the popular demand of my products, in an unethical and shameless fashion. I have to deal with this several times in a year, and I have dealt with the Russian, Dutch, Chinese, Microsoft, Google, Picasa (now owned by Google), and several others. I say, love my work, pay for them, keep my business afloat so that there are more better products to come. Other than the usual grouses that I posted on Facebook just to justify the minor frustration, the other regular "compartment" of me is perfectly functional and well.

6. Usually by the time all orders are processed and packed, an all administrative work is done, it's nearing noon, and I will proceed to the other room to work on the actual crafting of the products that are in schedule. Now that I have iPad, I check emails and do some light social networking on it while crafting - I am not machine, I need intermittent breaks - and respond to urgent emails if needed.

7. By 4.30pm, I will viber the hoosbend with one-liner question 'What time home?', followed by 'I cook?', or 'Buy dinner please'.

8. 30mins before the hoosbend's return, I will pack up the 'mess' and prepare the ingredients for dinner.

9. Once Mike returns, I will cook. We have dinner in our room, while watching telly.

10. Wash up the dishes.

11. Probably harvest crops on farmville, check emails, send out orders - usually digital products, social network.

12. Cool the other room by turning the air-con, carry the stepper to the room, gamed on iPad while working out on the stepper - usually about 30 mins.

13. Cool down for a bit, take shower.

14. By then, it's usually 9pm to 9.30pm. The hoosbend plays 'hanging with friends' with me on iPad, and we will watch telly together.

At the point of posting, point 6 to 14 are in future tense, so I can't say for sure if they will stay the same, or not.

Well, I have shorter crafting time now, and I used to crochet into the night, but I realized that in order to keep the passion for this craft burning, I need to be able to enjoy the work each time; that is when work-life balance comes to play. I have intense interest in gadget and other stuffs such as website building, blog enhancements, doodling, and reading, but I have very limited time to do all that I want in a day.

That said, I really can't complain. I do get to do more stuffs that I like as compared to most people. Crocheting and toy-making is my job, but it's also one of the things that I enjoy doing, for the longest time.

So, this typically day is perked with some random untypical events. Not necessarily disruptive, when dealt with a more effective and positive approach. What can I tell you? It's crafting time now!

cyber-depression

2011-07-07T12:34:00.000+08:00

I have read on different articles about Loneliness caused by the substantial amount of time spent on the cyber-world.

I, for one, left more virtual footprints on the WorldWideWeb instead of real footprints on the concrete floor of the reality world.

Since a child, I have always been homely. Oddly, it's a place that consists of two extremes - pleasure and pressure. It makes sense when we apply the same theory why one chooses to stay with the cheating spouse - the comfort zone and familiarity despite the emotional pain.

The birth and rapid growth of internet is a perfect fit for me. I could do practically everything without setting foot outside the apartment; things get delivered to me right to the doorstep.

I hardly feel lonely; instead, I long for aloneness. That doesn't warrant that I am incapable to understand loneliness; we can get closest to an emotion and feeling strange to us as long as we are willing to try to comprehend.

I have been assimilating and pondering over the observations made by many others on published articles pertaining to depression and loneliness related to cyber social connections.

It is noteworthy to observe the interactions and expressions of friends made on the social networking platforms. Some express disappointment when they fail to receive the reactions they hoped for; while some of them post with angry tone with too much profanity.

I begin to think that a 'bubble expectation' is developed overtime. Unlike in the real world, the dimension-less cyber-world, boundaries are pushed beyond time zones and spaces. We begin to expect someone, anyone, everyone to be there, anytime.

"Someone must have heard me, someone will surely respond." The expectation is realistic, in a way.

It is easier to desire comforting words from 'friends' whom we have never met in person. It is more challenging to speak with real friends and family who know us too well, because we all judge, don't we?

I think I could understand why we may feel lonely, despite being in the seemingly overcrowding cyber-world.

Imagine this, when we step into a vacant room, we are mentally prepared that we are alone. When we step into a room filled with a large crowd, and yet no one hears us, it sends a cold sense of loneliness.

It has to do with the emotional side of brain function. When we are in the vacant room, we expect nothing. When in the crowded room and not being heard, we feel diminished because no one amongst everyone, cares about us. We begin to drill a hole into the dark pit, questioning every aspect of ourselves - deflation of self-esteem.

Sure, some of us shake off the virtual dust as quickly as it sinks onto the shoulder; while some of us contemplate to quit the cyber-world for good.

It is almost like a break-up between the young couple. Some move on very quickly leaving no sign of emotional wound; some made the last attempt to leave an impression by hoping they get missed, somehow.

The world responds and reacts; the world doesn't care to the level of intensity that an individual expects.

Enjoy the benefits and convenience that the cyber-world brings, while conducting regular reality checks, in order to live happily ever after in the world made up of '010101'. We may think our online friends have no lives outside this cyber-world, the truth is that outside this space is a real world made up of people who also truly care about us.

The internet is created to serve the human race; not the other way around. We strive to make it better, in order to better our lives, constantly. Don't complicate matters, and leave it as that.

my best apps for ipad 2

2011-06-22T12:03:00.000+08:00

So I am very ordinary after all. I fall insanely in love with the sleek ipad 2 and for the first time, I hate that I am not wealthy enough, because I have so many accessories I want to buy! Fortunately, for my hoosbend (my slang for husband, my desire for 'stuffs' comes and goes, rarely amount enough for me to break the bank.

Apart from taking too many photos of the ipad, and ignore my favorite plush meow, I am confident to say that I look at this sweet little tablet more than I look at the hoosbend. Don't worry, this gadget is not going to cost us the marriage, after all, the hoosbend has one too, and he spent good amount of time on it too.. mostly to game with me! Know though, we received the iPads at the same time, and we were completely new to iPad, so there was a brief learning curve, so I can't say it was love at first sight - we love the boxes though, if you must know.

So, like any iPad owner, I 'grabbed' a bunch of apps from the Apple Apps Store; some serve me well enough, productivity wise, or entertainment wise; while some are scrapped soon after.

Dropbox (free - expandable storage up to 8GB; paid plans available)
The usual gripe about iPad is the lack of USB port. When there is a demand, there is always a supply. Say, it's an opportunity for innovation.

To overcome it, I discovered the Dropbox. I am immediately amazed by it. Since I am the one who got the tablet for the hoosbend, somewhat, I feel responsible to recommend apps for productivity purpose - and function well - to the hoosbend.

I meant to try the app out for a bit before recommending to the hoosbend, but I was so amazed with the speed of sync feature, I was too excited to wait out. I told the hoosbend, 'hey, you should install this app, it's like the magic rabbit hat! You dump one file in on this device, and the file appears almost instantly on the other device that you have the dropbox app too! It's like MAGIC!'

Then, there is the sharing feature, and I love 'sharing' - with an evil grin - with the hoosbend! Immediately, I set up the sharing feature for one of the folders, and named it 'ponyandmeow', and the first file that I dropped in there was none other than the shopping list! Now, there is no need to have slient wishlist when you can share it with the wealthier partner, and who knows, the small wishes might just magically come true!

#For every referral who successful set up the account, both you and the referral will get additional 250MB space to your account.

Feedler RSS (free)
Another app that I use frequently is the feed reader. I use Feedler RSS to sync with my Google RSS, so it's all snappy and smooth in setting up.

Sync feature is important. iPad should be a device to make life easier and interesting. Don't you love how you could pick up things from where you left them? When I have read a particular post, it is marked read on the iPad, and if I don't have enough time to finish all my favorited feeds, I may continue when I am working on my iMac browser, and not needing to reread the same post all over again.

Gaming app is one of the most popular apps for iPad, since the iPad might be shared amongst the family members, and it is probably perfect to keep the child entertained while on the road trip.

I play simple games because I am really not great with games, especially those that require strategizing ability. Now, this is when I feel fortunate that the hoosbend is very different from myself, and he has this crazy brain that operates much faster than mine, and he is really good with games, any kind of games!

(From top to bottom; left to right sequence)
1. cookies dozer (free)
2. coin dozer (free)
3. coin push HD; dozer game too, but with cute illustration of bear and changing background scenes (free)
The dozer games are no-brainer games. Tap to drop the cookies or coins, and the cookies or coins get pushed to the 'collection' section which will earn you more cookies/coins; or they may fall off the sides which will be forfeited.

4. Doodle Jewel lite (free; but I upgraded to the Doodle Jewel paid version for $2.99)
A fun puzzle jewel game, which I needed the hoosbend to help figure out how to clear each stage. It's straightforward, he said, just not so clear to me. :P

5, 6, 7. The treasures of Montezuma lite (free up to certain level; I upgraded to The treasures of Montezuma paid version at $4.99, and I love this game)

8. Words with Friends (free)
Another puzzle game, with stages and levels of adventures. I have been playing this while I use the 'stepper' everyday, and it's probably been weeks now, and I just figured out how to effectively use the special powers that I earned at each level clearance.

The good thing about this game is that it manages to get enough of my concious attention, and that helps increase the exercise time.

1. Bejeweled (paid - $0.99)
This app is designed for iPhone, although I am able to bring up the small gaming container frame up, but that compromises the resolution, as well as the sensitivity towards the tapping. When most good apps are now developed in HD definition, it's only a matter of time that we find lower resolution graphic a thing of far yesterday, and the developers may lose the competitiveness.

2. Scrabble (paid $6.99)
As compared to Words with Friends, it shies in interaction with friends. In my opinion, such games are more intriguing when played with known friends. Scrabble has very restricted ways to connect to friends, probably because they need to sell more copies of the app; the new generation of gaming belongs to interactivity with friends on various social media. I rarely played on this app, and regret the purchase.

If you are residing in US and have the US itunes account, you will be able to get the free scrabble, which connects better with friends too.

iBook (free)
it should not matter if the cover of the book is pretty, but I wouldn't mind nicer cover. Otherwise, the selection is huge and I have already stocked up quite many books to read, all I need is time, and some peaceful moments.

Oh well, road trips wouldn't be a nice way to read books for me, because the car motion puts me to sleep mode very quickly; but perhaps, it's time to plan for a holiday that involves long flight!

Use the selector and select the text that you wish to check up on the dictionary, and you are presented with the definition! I love the convenience to be able to learn a new word and it always annoys me slightly when I couldn't fully grasp on the expression that the author wishes to illustrate in the writings. It would be such a shame.

imo.im (free)
And, I am back on Instant Messaging! Sort of. The only 2 persons that I really chatted on imo are the hoosbend and the DFF (Dearest Friend Forever), Cynthia.

I have actually taken the screenshot of the apps more than a week ago, I just don't have time to blog - even today, is working on stolen time away from orders fulfilment - so, at this point, I hardly use the app anymore.

That aside, it's an excellent app, because you are able to combine all your accounts, including AIM, Yahoo chat, Google chat, MSN, Skype, Jabber, and MySpace IM, and have all the buddies listed in the same panel.

iToday (free)
I have not touched any newspaper for months now, I just don't have the time for that now. The iToday app is developed by the iToday free newspaper, and it is perfect for anyone is constantly out of time - of course, who doesn't, in today's crazy pace context! - and need to run a quick read at your fingertips.

I would say that electronic paper is anytime better than the physical paper, because with ePaper, you get to watch video, view high resolution images, get updated news, and whatever you get from the physical paper, except the real touching of paper.

kobo (free)
As if a bookworm; as though ibook is not enough, I have kobo too. They have nicer book covers, and you may customize the bookshelf too.

It is similar to iBook, except that it has increased interactivity feature. For example, when I am reading 'Pride and Prejudice, by Jane Austen', and there is a 'location' on the chapter, it prompts that you have arrived at that place and asks if you'd like to share that on the social network.

You could browse the store and buy the book; free books are lesser than iBook. On the first few uses, the app wasn't loading properly on some sections.

MyPad (free)
Although the little bird tells me Facebook might be launching the official app for iPad, but while we wait for that rumour to becoming real, my choice of facebook app is MyPad. Phototagging is not possible though. Overall it's a useful and good app, but it could be improved with the push notifications.

In overcoming that, I installed the facebook app for iPhone.

Another popular choice is Friendly.

Nightstand Central (free)
I work from home, and I normally wake up naturally, so alarm clock is really meant for vacation.

The app is basic and good enough for me. I love digital clock, let's say I only know how to effectively read time off digital clock. This clock app configures the clock according to the iPad setting to determine the time and date; while you are able to add different locations to display the weather conditions in those locations.

O'Magazine (free app; reasonably priced monthly issues)
I have been wanting to order O'Magazine, but shipping fee is a killer. It's not easily available in Singapore, and even if you managed to drive too long to hunt down one hopefully current issue, it's a much higher price to pay for.

This is perfect! Now I can buy the most current issue at a mere $3.99.

Several past issues are now free for download, as taster. I have to say that I am glad I procrastinated in ordering the physical magazine.

I don't know about you, but I prefer electronic version. Hey, Oprah speaks in my magazine, can your finger flipping pages do that? I don't get the 'nothing beats holding a real book', or 'nothing satisfies like the scent of a real book'. Singapore is not exactly the perfect place to keep books, I hate musky moldy smell on the yellowing pages. In addition, Singapore is tiny, so are most of our living space, we don't have the luxury to stack up books. Further, electronic books means saving more trees.

QR Code Reader and Scanner (Free)
QR code is quite commonly used by products manufacturers, and even for personal use. I use this on some printouts for my business too.

This scan works perfectly well. It keeps record of the past scan history too.

TuneIn Radio ($0.99)
I haven't been tuning in to my local stations. They tend to talk too much, and for some crazy reasons, the reception was poor on my digital radio. So, I sourced out, and found my favorite international station - .977music - adult contemporary channel. I tune in to that station on iTunes on my iMac; so I want it on my iPad too.

TuneIn Radio app is great, it actually detects your local stations - but I am still not listening in to those stations. Needless to say, you are able to search for a whole lot of other international stations.

#I installed it for free, but they are pricing the app at $0.99 now.

Viber (free)
This is one of the reasons why I don't use imo.im anymore. Viber app is a free phone calls and free texting service developed primarily for iPhone.

Good news is that we can also use it on iPad, just lower resolution, but all else functions well.

The hoosbend's iPad is a 3G/Wifi; while I have just Wifi - I hardly go out, and I literally repulse phone calls - feature on my iPad.

Another thing I hate about cell phone is the mini keypad; now that more people have iPhone and iPad, many of my friends have Viber installed too. That means to me that I could text them on my iPad! I even call the hoosbend on Viber, but if you are in public places, do get earpiece so that no one else needs to know what your caller says to you.

Wunderlist (free)
This is one of the best app ever! There are many 'to-do' apps, but I find this to be one of the best.

Now I don't update the shopping list in dropbox for the hoosbend, I set up several sharing folders in Wunderlist, and name them relatively to what they are meant for, i.e. 'shopping list', 'pending matters', 'housing matters' etc.

There are some matters that are worked by several people, and it's inefficient to have the different people following up on the same matter. With this, once the task is completed, I would either check it off the list, or put a note for the hoosbend. This way, he gets to see what has been done and any information that he should be updating at his end.

Now, there is another feature that wins my vote. They offer downloads for several versions - Mac OS; Windows OS; Android; iPhone etc. You know how we have too many devices and machines these days, and the freedom to be able to work from any of the devices/machines with the most updated information, is just liberating!

Zite (free)
Another amazing app. I think I will stop my annual subscription to local magazines when the current subscription ends.

This is like your personal magazine. The best part is that you can customize the magazine to crawl through the internet to net the best scoops according to your interest. It is cool because I will never have enough time to go discover all information on the internet; most of the time, I wasted more time filtering through the searches.

Everyday, I have a new magazine; everyday, I read the freshest articles on my favorite topics!

Hanging with Friends (free - iphone app)
Like I said earlier, the screenshots were taken a week ago, and so much could happen in a week! My new favorit word game is Hanging with Friends, developed by Zynga (same developer for Farmville and Words with Friends).

It's like the boardgame 'Mastermind' whereby you make guesses on the word that your opponent made up with the allocated tiles.

BubbleBird - Free
New addition to my gaming activities. Simple game to burst the poor bubblebird by matching the colors. It gets harder with each level though.

Instagrm - free
The most recent installation is Instagrm - a very popular app for iPhone. After doodling using my wacom tablet, I took a picture of it with iPad using Instagrm, for the fun effect.

You may share the pictures to twitter, facebook and email, instantly.

late in saying goodbye

2011-06-02T11:18:00.004+08:00

2 years before, I had the most painful breakup with a boyfriend. I never recovered. On rebound I married the friend of the ex-boyfriend, but the open wound never healed due to improper and ineffective 'treatment'. Like a panic mouse running in a hollow drum, I was not able to get out of the situation.

I never had a chance to save the relationship; I tried to save the short-lived marriage, to avoid falling into the same pain of loss. The marriage was a projection of the previous relationship, I was still trying to save a relationship, long lost.

My world became so tiny, there was only one thing that mattered. I staked everything. I was on the verge of losing my mind, or had I?

Around the same time, I lost my grandpa to death.

He was an ordinary man, born in difficult times, compelled to make difficult decisions just to make ends meet.

He was extraordinary to me.

I have learnt that he was no saint, and was probably a bad husband, father, and even grandfather - my grandfather displayed favoritism openly. I handle facts and truth very well. Being all that, he was my perfect grandfather, whom I couldn't ask for more.

He loved me because I cried too much as a baby; he loved me because I didn't utter a word for hours as a toddler; he loved me even when I didn't visit him frequent enough as a teenager; he loved me the same even though I was trapped in my own world of emotional struggles as a young adult. He loved me anyway; I'd like to think that he loved me still wherever he could be right now.

We had very close relationship as many school holidays were spent with him. He was the first person who made me feel special for who I was, and still am.

Words were redundant between us. On most days, I just tag along wherever he went. On knowing that I was staying over, he would buy a bunch of my favorite food days before I visited. The food was not to be shared by anyone.

He rarely asked, he would pack up towels and told me that we were going for a swim - almost an hour's bus ride to the far end of Singapore! The beach was full of seaweed! Wrapped in towel with dripping water from hair, we took a bus back home after the 'weedy' swim.

On most uneventful days, I would content myself with coloring books or just blank stares - remember, as a child, I spent may hours doing absolutely nothing but just staring blankly and pondering over nonsensical stuffs from who was the first person on earth, and how was earth formed, and why was sky blue, and so on and so forth; to more profound question of who I really am, and why was I born.

Although we didn't talk much, I always knew he loved me. He looked out for me and made sure I got my chance on the swing or see-saw. Even though an ugly duckling, he showed me off proudly to his friends and the shopkeepers who knew him like friends. Some shopkeepers told me that they knew I was visiting because my grandpa would stock up my favorite tidbits and snacks before my visit.

On the final few years of his life, he was becoming senile and couldn't remember many of the children and grandchildren. He couldn't even remember the daughter and grand-daughter who visited him almost everyday. He always remembered me. We were always curious to see if he could remember his favorite pet, and he never failed to smile and answered, 'Ah Bi' - Ah Bi aka baby, is my pet name, and my baby cousin has the same pet name - and we would asked if he knew which Ah Bee I was, and he would answer with a contenting smile, 'Ah Hong's second daughter'. My mum's name is Ah Hong.

When I last saw him, he was heavily sedated due to multiple organs failure. He was strapped to the bed, and the bed was dragged outside the ward as he was making a din and disturbed other patients.

At that time, my world was crumbling and there was no concrete ground. There was a series of false alarms of his life emergencies; and one fell right through and became real. I was not there. I was not even immediately sad.

During the brief few young years, I lost the love of my life, a pseudo marriage that I had built in order to mend the broken heart of a previous relationship; the beloved grandpa who loved me unconditionally. Along with the real losses, the collateral damages included the self-esteem, self-worth, and self-confidence. In short, I was lost completely. I was convinced I was not worthy love.

The marriage was never salvaged, and I am glad. It was a 'paper' marriage since we were only registered in the registry of marriage, but it was a very important stage of my life to wake me up from the malfunctioned senses since the previous relationship.

In hindsight, knowing now that the marriage would never be saved anyway, I can't say that I would do anything differently if time turns back to then. It was necessary. Everything is designed to happen the way it did. The recovery was a long dark journey, but I needed a heavy hammer to knock the senses out me. I would love that my grandfather didn't die that way, but death was a relief to him.

We could never mend the past, we could only use that painful lesson to cast a better future.

It was 1996 when the first domino tile fell.
It was 1998 when my grandpa died.
I don't dream of the lost marriage.

I dreamt of my grandpa regularly. It was like he just died. I dreamt of him last night. It left me paralyzed with grief, an aching heart and uncontrollable sobbing. It was as though he just died last night.

In the dream, he died and laid peacefully in the exact same coffin in reality. I was still sorry that I didn't get to say goodbye. He got up from the coffin, as if he got up from a nap. He always still die after we said goodbye.

I only visited the cemetery once after he died. I don't attend the death anniversary gatherings. There is no need for me to visit a designated place or on a specific date to remember him. I remember him vividly anyway, anywhere.

Some sunsets remind me of him. The sound of the bus engine that gets off too early in the morning reminds me of the many holidays spent in his home where a bus terminal was located near it. I think of him when I hear a rooster crows. I think of him for every small things and moments we had together.

He used to bring me to the Cold Storage supermarket in Holland Village. It was a brief walk from his place. I had such complete trust in him, I never learnt the direction; perhaps I had always thought that he would always be with me. I tried to walk to Holland Village by myself, but I had lost my way too many times.

Some pain are inconsolable. The pain doesn't get better. But we grow to be more appreciative when we walk a better path now.

He was not perfect, but he is worth every tear I wept for. I don't believe in after-life, I believe in one life, and this life only, so it would be pretentious for me to wish that he had a better life now. I had no chance to know his last moments, but I hope he found peace alas.

compartmentalization

2011-05-26T13:10:00.001+08:00

It may seems like the ever-advancing technology complicates our lives, or is it?

In this small compact country, things move very quickly, as there is nearly no excuse for delay. We tend to place everything in the same location for quick and immediate access, or at least we thought so.

Everything and anything is almost about efficiency, not necessarily warrants quality effectiveness.

So, we jumble up everything from work, to social life, to marriage, to parenthood, to anything and everything that is evolving around us in that one box. We spend more time trying to fish out the right tool and information instead of achieving clarity - visual or mental.

In the crooked twist of fate, I was compelled to learn to compartmentalize my emotions into various segments for easier management. It's like building safety vaults in each segment, when one segment's security is breached, the rest still functions while we try to salvage and fix the compromised segment. The key here is 'still function'.

There is no easy way to do this, but through constant cognitive training, it becomes easier with time and practices.

This is the nutty me aka The Quirky Me. I find nut an appropriate reference to myself. Not the prettiest thing on the outside, and you may even say that the irregularity of the shapes and lines on the nut are almost unpredictable. Some nuts might even be really hard to crack when fully shut. Get the right tool, it cracks open almost effortlessly. So, I am indeed a very difficult person to live with - I know, I sympathize with husband all the time, but I can't - and not keen to - change the nut into sweet pretty fruit, as I see no point of doing so - but it takes the right person with the right tool to ease things up.

#The predecessor of 'The Quirky Me' is, Lis Chamber, titled 'Life Is Simple'. Clearly, I have been protective of my simple life, even though I put myself out in the public platform. Controversy? Or graduating emergence?

Then, there is this the married me. Not too different from the quirky me, since it's an unshaken decision to remain true to myself. The better different half is the spice in my otherwise mundanely dramatized life - my life is always filled with unpremeditated mini-dramas, when the mini-dramas happen too frequently, I have to think that it's somewhat a normality than surprise, hence the mundanity.

Of course, then, there is the crafty me, not necessarily associated to being artistic, but definitely an effective outlet to transform some overactive thoughts into something pleasing to my eyes. Crafting helps maintain some form of mental and psychological equilibrium.

It is important to distinguish the difference between 'detachment' and 'compartmentalization'.

Imagine this. We have a large cabinet, and instead of dumping everything else in this huge cabinet, we shelve them in different levels, and partition into various compartments. With accordance to priority or nature of the contents, we decide what goes into where.

They are still housed in the same cabinet, in the same location, on the same ground.

Referencing to myself, it is like basing on the similar set of my life principles - yeah, that's right, I have this rigid personality that is harnessed on some form of principles that are important for me to function normally, I am not quite the spontaneous person who jumps on the train of impromptu, that's where the better half comes in to spice things up a little - yet managing the different 'compartments' separately when needed.

Sure, when you crack open the nut, the nut is nut, in whole or broken. If you have more gentle touches, you might just find yourself a whole nut as it is cracked open, I guess the 'tool' to crack the nut is one of the determining factors too.

Say, it is a learnt defensive mechanism, post-trauma of childhood experiences and after depression. Depression often presents itself when most segments of our life break down. Like domino effect, if all elements in our life is spaced like domino tiles, and it will only take one hit to run the domina falling effect. Sometimes, the emotionally drained and crippled host may not be able catch up with the fast and furious fall - a fall almost unstoppable.

So, this is what I do. I begin to compartmentalize my life into different segments.

Work can be frustrating; the domestic issue can be crippling; the financial challenges can be tormenting; the social and peers pressure can be too much to handle; the identity crisis due to multi-roles juggling can be exhausting and drive people to go over the edge.

Sometimes, it just need one difficult situation to take a large person down. If work is frustrating, we decide to bring the bad mood home, and transfer the frustration to the equally exhausted partner or children who are also trying to cope with matters in their lives; and the disharmony at home causes us to stay out late.

Work frustration may lead to inability to perform, resulting in the far-fetched promotion possibility. Job security is laid on thin ice. Due to economic inflation, expenses takes a hike, but sadly, the slim salary package is taking a dip or status-quo. That might generate even more financial stress.

Then, when we try to stay out of the noisy house, we meet up with our friends, but we continue to clad on the 'poor me' jacket and complain too much about work and the poor me stuffs. That bore the friends and also result in an aftermath effect - inferior complex, since we are the only ones complaining, everyone else must be doing great.

Now, it seems exaggerating, but it happens. When most of our important support pillars are down, we take the deepest dive into the bottomless of darkness. We think there is no chance to climb back up. We just rot in there.

Some combinations might be more lethal than others; but never belittle the chain reaction that one innocent 'tile' may cause.

I have been there, and done that. I don't believe in complete elimination of depression, but I have full faith in staying vigilant and always aware. Knowing is strength. When we decide to seize control of our life, we could set up preventive measures - that work for us - and continue to live a positive and psychologically balanced lifestyle. One that could affect others positively and glow lightly intrinsically.

See, when one of my 'compartments' is burning, I will try to find the seed of fire and put it out as quickly as I could manage. It doesn't mean that the neighboring compartments are completely unaffected, they are probably feeling the heat of it, but safe enough behind the shielded partitions#.

#Partition - the cognitive awareness that builds a protective wall between one compartment to another. It's a decision each time, to NOT transfer the negative effect over to another compartment. By keeping the other compartments 'safe', we are able to move the positive energy over to put the flame out.

Always know that we have options.

i am a loser...

2011-05-23T11:35:00.000+08:00

... but it's alright.

I figured that being alive denotes that we will ultimately lose. That is not a negative statement, it is a positive acknowledgement to what 'losing' may mean.

'Life' as we know it, holds a mystery. We may use sciences to explain how the sperm finds the egg and the entire productivity process goes, but we cannot deny that we have never been able to explain the 'soul' in each life. We have almost absolutely no power over how it begins and ends.

See, I have always been a 'loser' in gaming, in almost any kind of games, since I was a child. It makes perfect sense that I would probably avoid games that require strategic planning to win, as I am less likely to enjoy - due to math anxiety which generates high mental stress for me. However, 95% of losing a game - yes, that's probably the probable percentage of my gaming outcomes - doesn't deter me from playing the game that gives me much pleasures.

Sure, winning in a game, or a bet, or anything in life may provide a momentary euphoria of victory and probably make us think and feel more superior than our opponents; however, the process is more valuable to me, as it provides a longer period of enjoyment and engagement with your opponent or just the game itself.

Perhaps, the reason why I enjoy things that have 'process' because 'process' would mean being part of something, even if I may be playing an unimportant role. Most of us feel more secure with a sense of belonging, knowing that we are not uniquely alone.

Losing, doesn't make a person a failure. Losing only highlights the weakness, or lack of ability in specific area of achieving excellency.

I always believe that our lives have been intricately designed, not for us to win the race, but to earn a journey of experiences and lessons. There is no winning in the end, there is only embracement of what we have filled our lives with.

When we were little, I would play some group games with my childhood friends. There was this game whereby we would join rubber bands to form a long skipping rope. The game consists of stages from easy to difficult. The rope is suspended by two people apart, and leveled upwards from ground, knee, waist, armpit, shoulder, ear, and eventually head. We were split into groups consisting of equivalent number of members, lead by a 'Captain'. The Captain is always the last person to jump over the suspended rope, because the Captain will be responsible to 'save' the members who get fouled or voted out due to penalty etc.

The Captain is also sometimes responsible to 'win' the deciding cycle, at the beginning of the game. This is usually decided with a round finger-guessing game and the winning team gets to start the game first. This is vital, because at times, the first team gets to win the game without the 2nd team having a chance to play at all.

This simple childhood game fully displayed some characteristics of the each child. I, for instance, did exceptionally well with the non-strategic cycle and excelled greatly on the 'technicality' of the game - jumping (unless the opposing team has 2 exceptionally tall people holding the rope) and to save the team at the last stage by coiling the rope to one leg and jumping in a specific manner, in multiply of perhaps 5 times to one 'fouled' member.

My strength is monotony, routine, and discipline - so, perhaps I would make an excellent craftsman, or production worker. Remember, every job in this society serves as an important connector; some jobs may be glamoured by the media or monetary returns, but it takes more ground level workers in order to support such glittering roles, yes? i.e. Manager is redundant if there is no worker to manage.

To get pass the 'strategic' cycle and secure as the first team to play, we took advantage of the 'passing captain' rule. We will appoint someone - usually someone like my sister, who is insanely good with all sorts of finger guessing games, as well as strategy games that requires metal calculation ability - to work on the first round, and pass the Captain power back to me.

See, even as children, we, the human, advance constantly. Soon, the 'passing captain' rule was abolished for obvious reason.

As a child, I was - perhaps still am - not excellent in pre-amping the other person's mind in relatively short reflexes time; I could not guess effectively what the person may want do next. I am better with analysis, which involves a process to understand the logic and the chance to develop a 'story'. Hence, I am a story woman, I am not quite the 'sniper' material.

It is important to acknowledge and understand our weaknesses and strengths so that we could find and join forces with people who will make up for what we fall short in, and achieve excellence in what we do, which may provide us with a great sense of accomplishment and achievement.

Don't be afraid to lose. Don't quit when you lose. Quit when you no longer enjoy the process. Losing shows you what you may do better in other areas, it's probably a marker for you to move to another area to discover the hidden talent that you have not explored.

broken promise

2011-05-14T12:42:00.000+08:00

Broken promise is like a broken egg, analogically, not literally.

The day before we left for Bali, I had a sad dream painted with a seemingly familiar backdrop extracted from a recurring dream that has 'lovingly' and persistently stayed with me for more than a decade. Rather, it is just a recurring character who seems to have a schedule charted out to visit me regularly, in the slumber-land where my subconscious mind calls the shot.

Recurring dream, in psychological context, often refers to unfinished business. I would like to think that it refers to unattended 'emotional wound', or an emotional wound that is not completely treated and healed.

Depending on the context of the dreams and the emotions that are evoked by them, it may not necessarily be directly related to the character(s) that you may relate in your reality consciousness. It is however, important to note the role(s) of the characters.

Imagine our subconscious mind as a large storeroom that we dump difficult emotions into, and hoping that they will die away naturally as long as we choose to ignore and starve them. We are able to repress the memories and emotions by making a concise cognitive decision, it usually works when we are fully sober and awake. When the conscious mind takes a rest under the influence of alcohol or substance, or a natural course of sleep, the king of subconscious mind takes over and rules your world! There is little that the conscious mind could do when the reign of power is handed over.

The subconscious mind has limited reasoning capabilities, so it uses whatever available in the 'storeroom' to deliver the message. If it needs to remind you of an intense pain, it will pull out an image of a person, matter, or just anything from the drawer, and present it to you in its world - we know it better as 'dream'. The 'item' that is selected is often matched accordingly to the ability to trigger most closely to what you ought to experience. Say, if you are feeling extremely insecure and out of control in your waking reality, you might sometimes dream of falling from a high building, or out of a plane, and you were absolutely powerless in changing that state of event and the fear of uncertainties - are you going to die? are you going to hit the ground sooner, or later? will help be arriving soon? It may be presented completely out of context and may appear completely irrelevant.

In the dream, you may experience an exact similar emotion as though the incident just happened. We often find ourselves experiencing the spill-over emotions during and immediately after the dream. Some painful events that are experienced in the dreams may be crippling enough to affect our waking moments in hours, days, weeks, or even months.

To give you a better idea, I dreamt of a very painful breakup with an ex-boyfriend of more than a decade ago. It was almost like going through the same breakup all over again, and I spent the entire day afterward 'grieving' from the loss of the relationship and tried to regain the footing of the present reality.

This time, it was not about suffering in silence, and not about the need of opportunity to clarify myself of an innocent and holiday with a platonic friend; this time, it was about the broken promise. This never happened before. The dream was similar - involving similar group of people, playing similar roles - but different. The difference was a clearly conveyed message that was never presented to me before.

In the dream that I vividly remembered, I asked, 'How about the promise we made to each other?'. The heartbreaking reply was, 'The promise was made then, and it means nothing now.'

The dream of a broken promise, never attempted to be kept.

This could be a good dream, despite the heartache and migraine that followed. This could mean that I might be crossing over one more hurdle in overcoming my life issues and fears. We all have some fears and issue that hinder our personal growth and progression, we may choose to ignore them as we may perceive those as weaknesses; or we may choose to courageously face them, experience and feel them fully, deal with them and overcome them, and eventually move forward with a lightened burden on the back and a less cluttered mind.

I don't promise casually, even for the simplest form of seemingly unimportant requests. A broken promise often delivers the hardest impact to a person.

A promise when kept, allows nearly limitless opportunities of outcomes. Like an egg, when kept with the hen in the hatching process, may have an outcome differently from being removed and broken. The egg may hatch into a chick that grows up to be a rooster or a hen. The cycle may repeat, or it may lead to unimaginable path of outcomes. When broken, the egg will almost nearly always end up on the plate. (just an analogy, not literal, so please do not argue the point that the egg may turn into unlimited variations of delicacies)

A promise, is sometimes all to a person could live for - a hope of a better outcome, a calming factor to insecurities, a commitment to another person in a loving way. A promise, is only meaningful and purposeful when unbroken. A promise, encompasses of dignity, pride, and love - honor it.

a day of unexpected gifts

2011-04-29T14:46:00.000+08:00

So I was out yesterday on a parttorlogy date with the husband.

I have to say that that was a day of many 'free gifts'!

At the hairdresser's - who is like an old friend rather than a service professional - I was updating her with my upcoming trip to Bali. I have not been to Bali, and have been really excited about it.

It was very kind of her to share with me some tips while traveling in Bali since she had visited the country before. See, although her salon - E10, is located at the neighborhood mall, and Kendy, the director and owner of the salon may not speak the perfect English, but I am awed by her will power to have built this business all by herself. Surely, her husband, Joe - the professional hair colorist - is an added bonus to the salon. Kendy and her husband strive to excel in what they do best, and they continue to advance their skills regularly by enrolling into recognized courses abroad to better equip themselves with updated techniques in hair services so as to provide better quality services to their customers.

I am definitely more fortunate than the couple when it comes to opportunities in terms of regular education; but that doesn't mean much when we relate to real life experiences and lessons. Everyone has something precious to pass on to another person; only if we humble ourselves to learn, we will benefit fully.

Later in the day, while the husband was busy negotiating terms with the client on the phone, I was looking at some shorts which I planned to buy for the holiday. While checking out the sizes, a very nice lady whom I assumed is a Philippines national reminded me to compare the materials of different designs. That was kind of her. She must have noticed that I was only focused on checking out on the sizes and not noticed anything else. If anything, I am really not the smart shopper type, after all, I shop online for 95% of my buys. I thanked her and felt quite gratified by such gesture.

The lady was shopping with her other friends. I believe they are domestic helpers of different families and are out shopping for groceries together. I am not always comfortable with the term 'maid' because I think that is quite a dated term to use on today's context. There is a personal reason to that too. My sister has a helper from Philippines, and she has is another kind of superwoman in the household - beside the supermum of course; she is the nanny, she is the house-keeper, she is the concierge professional, she is the chef, and perhaps even the handy-woman for small household fixes. They left everything behind in the hometown to help bring up children who are not related to them by blood. While some of us may think lowly of their work, but it is this group of super-helpers who help raise the potential pillars of the nation.

I think it was quite smart of me to take advice from the friendly lady; after all, they must be the expert in selecting merchandise considering that they may help with grocery shopping on daily basis.

When we came home, before I was even logged in to facebook, I read an email on the entourage, and a message came through via facebook. A fellow farmville 'neighbor' found out a tip pertaining to the game, and was eager to share the tip with me. I responded and with another 'neighbor', we explored further and confirmed that the tip was good.

Only when we stop being conceited and complacent, we may tap into the oasis of knowledge and wisdom, because knowledge and wisdom are everywhere, within reach, only if you are willing to stretch out your hands fully.

brekkie with a tinge of reminisce

2011-04-24T09:53:00.000+08:00

I started drinking coffee in my mid 20s, when day and night didn't matter since I worked inhumanly hours. I was trained by the boss to appreciate coffee when he bought a nearly $3000 coffee machine and had the vendor brought all the beans for tasting over a span of weeks. He was utterly disappointed when I asked the kind pantry lady to buy some 3-in-1 instant coffee mix. I had to endure nagging headaches everyday, just so that I could hopefully stay focused with the help of the mind-blowing caffeine.

Now, I get headaches when I don't have the morning coffee.

Today's breakfast is the coffee with pandan cake aka chiffon cake, or sponge cake.

I would think that anything Pandan is probably leaning towards the classification under 'SE Asian Delicacies'. We could add Pandan to anything, and everything. Rice is 'dyed' green; dessert is a popular candidate to pair with pandan; cakes, cookies, buns, and even the fillings could go with Pandan. These examples are only the tip of the ice-berg. Exaggeration? Think again!

Pandan cake always reminds me of a 'scary' period of my childhood, which I am confident that my sister shares the same opinion and memory with.

My mum is a great cook. She is also relentless when it comes to precision and perfecting her culinary skills.

We were in Primary School - my sister and I studied at the same school. My mum developed a sudden fetish in learning to bake the best pandan cake, off the recipe book which she attempted to improve and perfect it.

While the neighbors sang praises of the fragrant cake scent lingering the long stretch of corridor, my sister and I silently prayed that the 'ordeal' was over sooner.

Mum baked a cake a day, and it was never perfect, even though everyone who tasted the cake felt that it would make it to world's best standard. She was never satisfied. Some days, she baked 2 pandan cakes. She packed slices of cake for us to bring to school as lunch.

By 2nd week, I started to share my lunch with my best friends in school. They loved the cake; I was glad. We begged mum to stop baking the cake, or at least stop forcing us to eat them.

For a while, we developed the 'Pandan-Phobia'.

Now? She still make cakes and pastries, but on the virtual mode. She has 3 farms on 'farmville', one of them has a bakery as crafting building, so she does produces cakes, just not exactly edible by any real person.

She still has her crazy days with culinary sometimes. Once she cooked steamed crab and chili crab for breakfast, how crazy was that!!! Till the crazy cook returns, she remains happily ever after in her virtual farms.

lose what is not good for us

2011-04-21T13:40:00.001+08:00

It's been a strangely 'refreshing' 2011 so far.

The year kicked off with our anniversary trip - which I have been too swamped to blog about - in Krabi and Phi Phi Island, Thailand. We have been to Thailand - and will continue to visit as long as the political situation is manageably stable - many times, and it remains as one of our favorite countries, because of the warm and friendly people. We especially love the food and the fact that it's just short travel distance from Singapore.

The upcoming holiday has been planned since last year, to Bali, Indonesia. A beautiful island that I have not set foot on.

With many new things lined up for me, I can't help but think that perhaps there is a quiet message knitted in them too. Perhaps, it is a perfect year to crush down some old fears and refresh the 'emotional bag' with courage.

I have the longest problem with friend, and I sincerely and honestly - I am dead serious about this, and I do not mean to mock at this 'difference' - suspect and believe that I may have suffered from mild autism as a child. I displayed almost all of the symptoms. I couldn't - still incapable of - socialize well; I didn't enjoy speaking to anyone; I needed a huge amount of alone time; I was highly sensitive and observant, yet unable to blend in perfectly fine with any group. I couldn't tell a lie, as my mind debates the right and wrong, and has a hard time distinguishing between fact and 'thwarted' fact - white lie is highly challenged and debated in the head.

Many of these 'qualities' remain with me, but probably 'improved' overtime. That said, it is still challenging for many people to accept me as I am - the quirky me.

When I was little, my sister often joked that I couldn't tell a lie, so she could almost nearly always predict the outcome when I was approached by a stranger, even from afar. I was described as too trusting, which I had a hard time in reconciling. I couldn't be trusting, because I was abused as a child; I must be trusting, as a person who doesn't lie often doesn't suspect the other person of lying.

I reckon, as an adult now, I am able to understand better of 'cause and effect'. I could better comprehend that what happened to me as a child and what had not been done later to right the wrong led to difficult complications in my beliefs systems and self-worthiness.

This year is simply perfect to evaluate the values; review and adjust the response mechanism.

It is not okay to pretend it is okay when it is not. We should never have to.

The term 'friend' is a casual term, yes? What is different is how differently and how much or less we value it. Surely, that is the reason why it is so casually used and abused.

I don't like to be too cautious, if I am not already overly protective of myself. Some friends have hidden agenda, in this case, a hidden fake 'R'. Overtime, the fiends in them unleashed and may cause harm to the people around them - whom they addressed as 'friends', only that fiends do not truly understand the real meaning of that word - for their own gains and selfishness.

So, I am packing myself some courage and crushing the fiendish 'friends' into pieces and letting them go; to where they deservingly belong - the rubbish bin.

It is not alright to steal from me and try to justify the wrongful act
It is not alright to act like a spoilt brat and demand friends to abide by your silly rules
It is not alright to buy from the person who steals from me out of spite
It is not alright to repeatedly cause harm and then say sorry, how about not needing to say sorry at all by not making the same stupid ridiculous mistakes?
It is not alright, even if you were a family or friend of decades

Forgiveness is overrated; not every 'sorry' can be kissed and made-up. You may not hurt me and say sorry afterwards, if this may be a lesson, let it not be just mine, but yours too. If you must lose a friend to learn it, this is it. I am sorry too, that you have lost me as a friend; although I am neither wealthy nor intelligent, and may not bring you much gains and benefits, but it is exactly because I am not amongst your brightest friends, I compensate with absolute loyalty, just like a puppy. I do not falter when I speak of this.

I don't pretend to be magnanimous, as I am just one petty woman, probably a quirky petty one. I own up to that and have always been clear about what I won't agree to, I am not usually fickle-minded, as I am said to be rigid and probably head-strong.

A petty woman as I am, thinks sometimes we do need to take sides. As a friend, you do not support the thief who steals from a friend and does the friend wrong.

So the cause and effect comes into play, as always. It is the unchanging universal rule, that applies to ever-changing circumstances. When we know that the decision that we are making will eventually hurt the dear friend of ours, and we decide to risk it all, we are bound by the 'effect' of our 'cause'.

These events continue to repeat in my life, and they have caused me many sleepless nights. It was conflicting, because on one hand, I convinced myself that it must be my problem, that I am not valuable enough a friend for these people to want to protect me from harm; on the other hand, I reasoned that I cannot be that poorly valued friend since without pursuit, they apologized and realized the mistakes afterward - the problem was that they just kept repeating similar mistakes with a different back-drop and I have grown sick of it. I conclude then, that it's not that I am unlikable, nor am I an unworthy friend. In this fast-paced city, we take advantage and bully anyone less bright, and I happened to be one.

Note that my instinctive reaction is always to put the blame inwardly towards myself, before considering it's someone's fault. By pointing this out, it doesn't make me a good person, it is one of the traits of low self-esteem and self-worth - a significant marker of an abused childhood. Another thing to observe is that as we grow up, sometimes in frustration of continued self-blaming, some of us may grow to adhere to very strict routines, and make no mistakes, to avoid landing in the situation of being at fault, again.

It is important to observe the massive and possibly destructive effects that impacted on a child of abusive exposures. It is equally important to continue to learn gather information from the adults who had had an abusive childhood. Only being in awareness, that we could one day prevent and hopefully put such horrendous crimes to zero. Yes, child abuse is a crime, unforgiving crime.

I count my blessings, because although I am probably very damaged in some ways, I guess being what I am now, a simple middle class earner, and miraculously earned myself a loving husband, I guess I didn't do so badly. Yet, I do feel that it is my duty to bring awareness to the table top, because I am probably one of the most fortunate unfortunate person, who might just turn out well enough to see this through.

Silence is not gold in the situation of child abuse. We must not feel ashamed of what had been done to us when we were remotely mature enough to think. (Say, it's never right to abuse anyone, of any age, just worse for a child who couldn't defend him/herself)

So, apart from shredding and shedding the 'fiends' off my life in order to allow genuine healing to the broken spirit and emotion; I really need to shed some fats off my body!

It's probably the same theory - lose what is bad for us. Obesity runs in the family, so are obesity related sicknesses. Knowing that I have the same gene doesn't necessarily means I have to walk the same journey.

Knowledge is power. Power to do something different and make a difference.

This year, I have finally confronted a long time challenge, to pluck up enough courage and probably frustration to eliminate and banish some people from my life for good.

With that, I am ready to welcome a brand new chapter into my life.

good monday morning!!

2011-04-11T12:08:00.000+08:00

The little birdie came to visit this morning. It is so tiny, you wouldn't notice it, but it called out to me with a loud whistling tune...

I asked mum to come take a look at this little beauty. What was I thinking? Mothers always scare little creatures away!

The little birdie was frightened and flew into our work/game room - work room for Mike and I; gaming room for mum - my heart skipped a beat when it flew by the ceiling fan!

The birdie hid behind the printer and took cover behind the printer cabinet, and refused to come out.

Mike brought the little birdie some bread and water. (Hey, we are very hospitable, even though it would be nice to call before visit.) The birdie came out and took some water. (I missed all the fun, as I was getting ready for a busy day's schedule)

I didn't see it, but Mike managed to get the birdie to hop onto his palm. I left the laundry in the washer and charged into the room when I heard the birdie whistled; and saw that the birdie was ready to leave. I guess it was his way of saying bye bye to me.

Mike had his hand out of the window for quite a while, but the birdie was reluctant to leave. I think it likes us!! It must be trying to identify the landmark with its bird's eye's view for the next visit.

Bye bye little birdie, thank you for dropping by. Please come again another day eh, just don't tell your friends that they can get free meals here.

We may choose to be oblivious and ignore what is happening around us; or we could choose to appreciate the small things in life, sniff the flowers or in this case, entertain and be entertained by a little birdie which visited briefly, yet brought much joy and excitement to an otherwise busy Monday.

yesterday, once more...

2011-03-11T21:05:00.001+08:00

I have a recurring dream, for 15 years now. They say it's unresolved business. I say, it's yesterday, once more.

If only the recurring dream was a pleasant and joyful one; it is like reliving a trauma all over again, as though it happened yesterday. We may think that dreams are somewhat jaded and faded, the truth is, I dream every single night, there were probably just 2 nights in my life (that I already come to senses) that I don't remember dreaming. I almost always remember some dreams vividly.

The recurring dream is about an extremely painful breakup, and I have never fully recovered from the emotional injury. Right after the breakup, I jumped from the wok into the fire - a short lived marriage that ended badly, yet I rarely or never dream of the cheating husband (that is another story altogether, in brief, he was necessary to teach me important life lessons) because I was legally 'forced' to stay away from any relationship for 3 years. 3 important years to make me what I am today.

The dreams are not about the boyfriend, or the lost love. Each dream is a manifestation of my waking moments, mirroring what I am going through in the conscious level. My subconscious mind has a quirky way of making sure that I feel every pinch, prick and pierce of it by portraying the worst pain in my life. It consists of heart-stopping panic and heart-wrenching pain, so much so, I couldn't speak.

Our conscious mind has a bad habit of dumping emotional pain into the huge 'warehouse' which takes up 30% of our mind - aka unconscious mind. It rationalized and concluded that it's best to toss it in the warehouse because our busy lifestyles do not have extra time to deal with the nonsensical stuffs - such as feelings and emotions.

Fortunately, and perhaps unfortunately, being regular human means having the unconscious mind fighting back when you let your guard down; when you are playing by its terms - sleep.

I do not wish to have the 'sad story' changed. The only time that the character in the dream changes, is the time when a higher level of emotional distress supersedes the current record. Believe me, if any higher, I would have lost my insanity, as I am constantly thankful that it is a recurring dream acted out by an ex-boyfriend of 15 years. It only means that no one has topped this record for all these years, shouldn't I be thankful already?

the hobby

2011-02-21T20:29:00.000+08:00

I may not have imagined that one day I will be crocheting for a living.

Many of my girlfriends love shoes, bags, and shopping.

Shoes
=====
I might have 4 pairs of shoes - the wedding open toes slip on heels adorned with diamonte which I only wore once; a pair of black court shoes which I only wore less than half a day and changed out because my exceptionally elongated 2nd and 3rd toes hurt so bad when covered; a pair of Hush Puppies casual slip on heels which I refrain from wearing, because any heels cause unbearable back pain afterward; a pair of my all time favorite footwear, flip flop.

I really don't have a thing for shoes.

Bags
====
Some really pretty bags - mostly functionally large. Mostly are 'artisan made bags' - handmade - while I tossed and gave away the branded leather goods. Small dainty bags don't like me much.

Shopping
=======
Sure, I shop a great deal, but at the comfort of my home. I don't enjoy window shopping, not a bit. I only do that when my appointment is late and I have nothing else to do, and usually ending up not qualifying for 'window' shopping, because I would have bought a bunch of stuffs.

Retail Therapy
===========
BTDT - been there, done that. At one point, it was with with jewelers, spent enough amount and found a VIP card in the mailbox weeks later. Those jewelry are not valued and treasured differently than those I picked out from my favorite handmade jewelry crafters. In fact, I don't even remember where those expensive jewelry are!

This type of retail therapy clearly doesn't work well for me. I always ended up at a craft store, grabbed a bunch of yarns and come home crocheting large projects. The repetitive action calms my mind, and slow things down a tad bit. I realized that no matter how huge the project may be, or how long it may take me, I will get pass it, just by going with the flow...

"Take nothing for granted", I must have mentioned this too many times. Fifth year into the business, I am still thankful for every sale I made. This may sound really weird, but it's weirder when I am not weird anymore - I am expanding my business, so I am needing some fund to facilitate the expansion, even though I have been crazy busy (so insanely busy, I didn't manage to finish blogging about my previous Phuket vacation, and the photos taken during the vacation that I just returned from are not arranged yet!) since last October, I have been working on the expansion as well.

The night before, I was spanning out the plan in my head, on funds allocation and priorities. It was not the easiest task since I am less sensitive to money matter, as in costing. I went to bed after much pondering, and I continued to walk the plan in my sleep, as always.

Even with overwhelming orders on hand, I find myself silently saying 'thank you' when I opened my email in the morning and found the many orders waiting to be processed.

I am serious. In the past, I might have verbalized my gratitude, but I had not paid much attention to my inner voice. I caught myself 'thanking' the customers from my heart (I won't say bottom of my heart, since I have very vague impression on the exact location of the heart, so it won't be a sincere statement) as I received the emails.

This could mean something else.. Much bigger! I have always believed there is something beyond ourselves, something much much larger and powerful than our conscious minds. I believe I am thanking to be heard.

5 year-ful of lots of crocheting work, and you might think I would get tired of it. I still love what I do, and still hopeful that some day, the income that I generate out of crocheting will not be needed to pay bills, but for something more meaningful and helpful. At present, I am skipping from the top level in the hierarchy of need - self-actualization - to the base level of basic needs.

greetings from the tropical island

2011-02-02T19:21:00.000+08:00

The holiday has been great so far, and I won't be back till mid Feb. I can easily laze away days after days, and before I know it, it's due to return home.

Meanwhile, while I enjoy the sea breeze and nap away the slower paced days, I wish you all who celebrate the Lunar New Year, a fun reunion dinner, and a smooth sailing rabbit year!

thank goodness, there is alternative

2011-01-03T17:29:00.002+08:00

We have heard people saying this one too many times ('people' may also refer to ourselves, group dynamics often influence us the twisted way we could not have imagined), "I don't use budget airlines. I don't eat at hawker centers. I only fly with..." etc.

I say, don't hate budget airlines. As individual, I am fully capable of flying with any regular airline, but I fly with budget airlines regularly for shorter distance trips. I appreciate the alternative and option, which also contribute to competitiveness in airfares, and service standards.

I understand many of us are enrolled with Frequent Flyers reward scheme and prefer to take full advantage of the system, especially if we fly regularly for work.

However, there are also many of us who make that statement to distinguish ourselves away from the 'budget' whatever, which is commonly related to lower income group or equivalent.

Budget airline is a good thing. Now that the regular us fly with them, that will leave the more distinguished group with less crowded flights on regular planes, yes? I had the privilege to fly on business class (it's nothing orthodox about that trip) so I understand the difference in treatment and comfort level between business class and economy class. Let's leave those special classes to the more affluent, while we could just be more grounded and realistic about our means.

I know many people who could be potentially wealthy, given the good education, however, life is designed in such a way that even with stable fat income (not obscenely fat, just fat income) is not enough to pay off the medical expenses when one or more family members are contracted with chronic diseases.

The introduction of budget airlines realizes the dreams of many, to travel to places without needing to rob the bank, metaphorically.

The position I am in, gives me advantage in gaining insights into the wealthy and the less fortunate. I have quite a rich uncle who probably earns your regular annual income in less than a month, however, having rich relative doesn't change a thing for me. We are only related by blood, and it doesn't concern me if he is rich unless he is sharing his wealth with me, but I really don't think that is going to happen since the wind doesn't carry such message to me. (Suddenly, I turned into the Pocahontas, and the wind may say things to me? hah!)

I know one mother who may desire to travel to places, but with a sick child, she devotes her entire life and savings to keeping the child alive and well. Back then, traveling to places involved quite a hefty sum, at least for single income household and the children were small. If only budget airlines come sooner. Now that we have budget airlines, yet she is stricken with chronically ill health, she could no longer travel despite the lower cost airfare.

Some old dreams could not be realized; but many more new dreams could.

Just so you know, I really don't eat in Hawker Centers, and I refrain from Food Courts. For me to say that, there is no intention of slighting the value or to inflate my upbringing or anything at all. I love take-outs from Hawker Centers and Food Court, but I cannot handle the crowd and noises. It's a physical and psychological condition, I think. Noises and crowds is a sure-trigger to migraines.

Group dynamics has a great impact on most of us. We resent being a regular guy, but we are regular when we do not observe our own preferences or examine our behaviors and choose to be influenced by the general regular preferences.

When I attend group meet-ups, things get out of hand sometimes. It takes just one 'rich' person, to lead to another 'richer' person, then the 'richest' will emerge.

I am thankful that I am neither rich, nor poor. I have just enough, and that is perfect. If I were to wish for more, I may suffer poverty in my personal qualities.

So, please don't hate budget airlines, they have created many happier people and brought them to places they could once only visit in the dream, if they even dare to dream. There is absolutely nothing to ashamed of too, by taking budget airlines. By not hating it, it should reduce the general lower opinion towards budget airlines, in turn reduces the social classification, therefore eliminating the 'need' to feel embarrassed of being thrifty.

There is actually a part II to this topic on education options.

officially new favorite

2011-01-03T14:38:00.001+08:00

When I did the business management course, there was a bunch of compulsory modules including the mostly hated economics (I actually enjoyed the module quite a bit), marketing, IT, business organization, business law and what I can't remember now - and the majoring module. I wanted to do the e-commerce major so I enrolled into it.

Half way through the course, I was informed that the module that I wished to major in will not be commenced anymore. I had to choose another major. I would love to choose marketing as major, but marketing is usually paired with sales, and sales is almost always related to accounting, I couldn't take that major. Believe me, I went for a trial lecture for accounts, and I nearly didn't survive the lecture, it was horrifying! The lecturer filled the long - really really extremely long - white board with ants sized numbers and all the equations symbols, it was mind numbing!

Right after that lecture, I went straight to the admin office and opt for a major that didn't consist of any accounts related module - Human Resources Management. I love HRM though.

The way I looked at it, all other comprising modules, or electives are just tasters, you get a tiny bit of tasting on each of the modules and then decide which subject appeals to you most, or you may excel best in. I did really well in marketing, business law and economics (business law, and economics are similar to history subject which I did extremely well in high school too, I just couldn't remember the year and dates, but otherwise, I could relate quite well with these subjects), but in my opinion, we are still not exactly that flexible in program designing, or rather, the demand does not justify the need for supply expansion.

Marketing is in our daily lives, like it or not.

Remember how every other vendor would quote 'this is an ONCE in a LIFETIME event, you don't get to do it over again', then the bride's face lit up, nodded her head in complete agreement, snatched the pen, and signed on that dotted line on the charge slip; even though the bank account is depleting bad, and probably already showing a red alerting deficit!

I refrain from quoting that to my clients. I resent the 'motive' behind this phrase to manipulate the behaviors and responses of any person. Once in a Lifetime only applies to the couple, in the most romantic sense. Indeed, it's once in a lifetime for me, and no one else; it's utmost important to me, and may not apply to anyone else.

Now, you think I am all oblivious and guarded against all the commercialized psychology engagement? Nah! It's far from being true. I fall victim to the New Year curse. New Year, new stuffs.

I love all things new. The source is irrelevant.

We bought the pre-loved furniture from Cynthia, a very good friend. They are not new, but they are shiny new to us, and I am loving them to bits. I have loved them since I first set my eyes on them some several years ago.

The New Year, New Things 'virus' goes around more fiercely than you could handle. Of course, apart from the furniture, I ordered some new stamps (with Chinese name layout in Chinese seal style), boxes of new supplies. As if these are not enough, I decide to appoint NEW favorite tidbit of the year.

This year is going to be great, I just know it! I think I might actually be attempting to devise euphoric joy to compensate/camouflage the guilt of spending? Whatever it is, I am loving 2011 already!

cause and effect

2011-01-02T15:46:00.000+08:00

We were regulars of McD's delivery. We have reduced the frequencies due to my constant whines of getting heavier. It's not anyone's fault really, I take sole ownership of my decision.

I eat, therefore I am. hah! I decide to eat junk food and I have face the consequence now. I know all too well that I don't require much energy level sitting at home, crocheting, 'manning' the online shop, and doing nothing much physical; yet I chose to consume high energy and calories food, I deserved to be fat, in this case.

Only when we decide to take full ownership of a prevailing problem, may we be hopeful to resolve the problem more efficiently. With lessened resistance, we are able to move beyond the finger-pointing phase and deal with the actual problem. Of course, I really need to do more exercise, apart from watching my diet.

As with any plan, we are likely to be met with challenges and hindrances. In any diet plan, especially, we tend to attract people who will sabotage the plan. It is therefore, important to communicate the plan with the partner, spouse, siblings, friends, and family members.

Mike agrees with reducing the frequencies of fast food consumption.

I have been too tired for too long, and Christmas was a perfect time to rest, since all the orders are completed and delivered. I didn't even want to cook or go out, we ordered McD for lunch.

We found 'foreign stuffs' on one of three packs of the fries that were delivered. They looked like clumps of black pepper, without the taste and smell of it, go figure!

We decided to call McD to feedback on this, since we take 'food contamination' really seriously. Mike was near to losing his cool when his call was passed around three times. They came with replacement of one additional pack which we couldn't finish. Mike passed the 'contaminated' fries to the delivery guy who explained that it could be the oreo cookies.

No one followed up on this matter afterward, and we didn't pursue further, so we never know what were the clumps of black stuffs on the fries.

This incident has not decrease the confidence in McD though, we believe it's an isolate incident, although the customer service could be enhanced to heighten the customers' satisfaction level.

All in all, 2010 passed like a fleeting cloud, leaving traces of precious lessons - learned, and to be learned. I look forward to another awesome year with continual learning and progress.

"We may not aim to be the BEST; we strive to be BETTER!"

growing old..er..

2010-12-29T16:15:00.000+08:00

As we age, we tend to want to slow down the pace a little - certainly, in my case, it's slower than slow since I have always been slower than the regular people - and look back on the past events.

In contrary to common outburst of raging voice about looking back as a deterrent in moving forward, looking back is not a bad thing. We evaluate our personal growth regularly to achieve positive progress. We could only be better when we have something to compare against the present, yes?

Aging may not be a lifestyle preference for most of us, but since it's inevitable, we might as well embrace it and take advantage of the benefits. That said, I approve of postponing physical and mental aging, which in most cases, result in a more positive psychological health.

As we age, our priorities shift, by choice, or not.

When we were younger, we - at least for most of us - didn't have financial obligations, but we had another bunch of obligations. Living in this world we know, also implies that we are constantly living in 'circular pattern of obligations'. Our parents are obligated to feed, shelter, and educate us; we are in turn obligated to grow, and study well. The schools are obligated to employ responsible and qualified teachers to teach the students as fees are being collected from our parents; the teachers in turn are obligated to impart their knowledge and discipline the student well; we, the students, in turn are obligated to learn well (return to previous parents-to-children obligation) so that we could get a good job... it can continue in an endless spiral direction.

Surely, it's not just strictly obligation that we do what we do. There is the emotive segment that we should accredit to too; love, gratitude, and passion etc.

We move from one cycle to another. Our priorities change constantly; gradually, or suddenly.

Life is generally fair, even if it may not appear to be so, or immediately apparent to us. Getting older entails a less optimal physical health, and the body parts may degenerate gradually. Getting older also means lesser trouble that we once had as teenagers and youths, and a more enriched spiritual and psychological health.

I appreciate the aging process, since I am never the athlete type and although some physical deterioration is beginning to surface, it doesn't impact me too much. Instead, being older means being surrounded by older friends who grow to be more understanding and less demanding. We move from one life phase to another, and our priorities shift as we move.

I remember vividly that when I was a 16 years old teenager, my best friend ignored me for 2 weeks because I refused to attend her idol's event with her. Today, friends, including this same best friend, are more acceptive towards rejections, and not because they didn't want to strain the friendship, but a genuine understanding that our priorities have changed, and social events and gatherings no longer stay on top of the list.

It doesn't mean that we don't value friends anymore, friendship continues to take the VIP seat in the list, but when we step up to be responsible for the primary needs of family members - offsprings, or aged retired parents - we must first attend to the hungry stomachs, be sure that there are sufficient clothes to warm us when the weather turns cooler, and a roof over our heads.

Some people may have it easier, while others not.

'Work' was formerly in the queue behind 'friendship' because work was not to serve the basic needs then - refer to the Maslow's hierarchy of needs. My work served the 'self-actualization' need and reshuffled when it has to serve the ground level of basic needs. When we are being depended upon, it changes everything, and priorities change too. Work is now a higher priority than social needs, because someone gets hungry when I don't work and go out to play. Sometimes, I think explaining this point alone, is like talking Martian language to the younger friends, and they are not to be blamed because they truly don't understand, until they take on this life phase.

Of course, some people never have to worry about others' stomachs, but they usually have a different set of concerns. Like I'd said, life is quite fair, if only you are willing to weigh them on the scale, unprejudiced.

'Aging' friends don't insist that the social event is of utmost importance and insist on attendance. This understanding is quite 'exclusive', because not everyone gets it. I have always understood that no one's world evolves around me, and me alone, so I don't insist that what's important to me, is important to others. Personally, I resist 'sticky' people, I need a great deal of personal space to do personal stuffs, and I have a mountain pile of personal stuffs to do, if you must know.

When I was getting married, I knew that it's an important life event... to Mike and me, and us alone. It may be important too, for family and some good friends, but never the same - I don't want it to be too - to match against what it meant for us. That is unique for us, but it is not unique for anyone else.

Blessings may be given in different forms, not restricted solely to physical attendance; but in strict sincerity. If the law permits, I would be equally happy to marry Mike even if there were just the two of us. The guests, the festivities and all other stuffs were bonuses to make the wedding more splendid; but even without them, I am confident to still have a happy marriage.

I don't usually attend weddings, or funerals, for one reason or another. I must have offended many people along the way, so I am really glad to be getting older, as I am running out of friends who are getting married; and when I don't attend funerals, my older friends don't bear a grudge either.

Conclusion: Getting old has its benefits (such as senior citizen discount!!! I am in no hurry to get there yet though), amongst all, is a more enriched and fulfilled life.

the doraemon lesson

2010-12-05T16:26:00.000+08:00

My love for kittens is cultivated by choice of others, who nicknamed me throughout my childhood even until my young adulthood.

I don't normally give nicknames, and I know exactly why.

There are many ways in how we collect information. Three of the most common categories would be Visual; Auditory; and Kinesthetic.

It is likely that we have all these qualities, and function by these categories, but we may be dominated heavier in one category than other two. Say, when placed before the same item, we may derive different conclusions.

These dominants may influence our perceptions, behaviors and referencing trends. Certainly, even if we may be mostly kinesthetically dominated, we may sometimes behave like we are visually dominated.

Our personality types are the 'tools' in processing the information collected by the various methods, and eventually producing different results, determined by our personality types. Are we cognitively dominated, or emotively dominated? Are we thinkers, or feelers? Intuitors, or Sensers?

An example is nickname giving, a friend of mine is highly visually sensitive - normally people who fit this profile have the flair for visual arts too - she nicknamed us exactly how she saw us. I was nicknamed the cat woman because I was wearing the colored contacts in mystic grey which accentuated my Asian eyes that resembled the cat's eyes. My friend gave me that nickname primarily because she saw me as a cat, literally. Being a more judging person then, she associated the cat woman with seductiveness. My full make up could have attributed to that quality though.

For many of us, we adopt the majority's perception very quickly, regardless of our original dominants - which may also change with time, and life events - because that would be the commonly acknowledged mode.

It is not surprising to the friends who truly know me, that I am socially handicapped when it comes to adopting someone else's origin as my own. I lack the capability to blend in nicely. Let's say, I am as stubborn as a mule. I am too proud a person to disregard my true self, perhaps that was another reason I was always described as arrogant.

Note that most of us are capable of manipulating how others may perceive of us by studying the preferences. A highly skilled social 'handler' is capable of becoming your next best friend, or your worst foe, at the blink of your eyelids.

As mentioned at the beginning of this post, I don't normally give nicknames because nicknaming is commonly referenced by the appearances - visually dominated. Adults often thought that I was too young a child to fully comprehend their conversations. Being the uglier sister, I was often compared to my prettier elder sister, 'item' by 'item'. You know the drill, the relatives compared practically everything, from the color of the hair, to the eyes, to the mouth, to the complexion, to the behaviors, to the height, and everything else that belong to you, or not. I developed an inferior complex since small, so I am prudent with commenting appearances.

Although cautious, there were times of innocent carelessness.

Years ago, I worked with a company that I was employed to fill in two positions which were equally heavy in the roles and duties. The positions were previously filled in by two separate employees. Work was stressful since the boss was used to having a full fledged assistant all by himself. One of the managers was very helpful. He had the perfect solution for every problem, always. I was grateful to him for all the help rendered. One day, I started to call him 'Doraemon', and didn't think that he would mind, but he did.

It was a rare negligence on my part. I am usually sensitive - if not overly sensitive -
when it comes to inferior complex since I am the Queen of Inferior Complex! The manager wasn't tall, even for our smaller Asian built. Doraemon, although adorable and popular, it is also short and round.

I had associated him with Doraemon, the Japanese comic cartoon robot cat, because my impression of Doraemon is not defined by the appearance, but of the qualities and capabilities it posses. Similarly, my impression of the manager is not defined by his appearance too. One of the best qualities of Doraemon is his magic pocket aka yojigen-pocket, a fourth dimensional pocket which produces all sorts of gadgets and solutions to fix just about anything.

It was a classic example of different perceptions and mind works.

My oversight, or rather, my shortcoming has always been the lack of cohesion with the rest of the world. I am practically socially retarded.

In emphasis, 'nicknaming' is most commonly referenced by appearances; therefore, for the rest of the world who doesn't suffer social retardation, thinks and sees it the way majority does.

Despite my apologies, the damage has been done, and sometimes such damage is irrevocable. It is a lesson learnt.

Perhaps by acknowledging that there are indeed people different from us, whose mind may function quite drastically different from ours may help us appreciate the 'compliments' which may sometimes be perceived as 'insults'.

For a start, we really should not nickname anyone, since most of us are visually inclined, or at least believe that nicks are always associated with the appearances, literally.

i too, have a religion...

2010-09-22T14:08:00.000+08:00

So, I am a free-thinker who holds an agnostic view towards religion. Perhaps I too, have a religion, just a different sort - psychology and philosophy.

I believe psychology helps us understand the root causes to the behaviors of people. By understanding, we might be able to open up more windows of forgiveness, to render to the offender or ourselves.

I am not always comfortable around religious people, just like some people not being comfortable around me when I mouth too much of psychological profiling and analysis. I admit that I have met way too many hypocritical people who only speaks of their beliefs, yet not walking the talk. Perhaps I have unrealistic expectations of people who speak with their heads held high of their religious belief, I sincerely believe that we are supposed to mean and do what we believe to be true, or in this case, the only truth.

There is however, one person, whom I would regard as a genuinely kind person. She may speak of her religion very frequently, but perhaps that is only because it is from her heart that she speaks of her spiritual savior.

She displays unconditional kindness and love towards strangers. She doesn't speak ill of even the most wicked person. Perhaps she serves the Ten Commandments well enough to be a nearly perfectly kind person.

She is truly the most caring person I have met. She stayed till late to care for the patients without a word of complaint, despite the long working hours. I wonder at times, if it's just the physical wounds she is nursing; her kindness must have touched many hearts.

I have met yet too many people who attempted to defend their ill doings with a common excuse, 'We are only humans'. It is ridiculous that we have no shame to attempt to 'pick and choose' the spiritual teachings to match our lifestyles. I have always thought we ought to tailor and fine-tune our lifestyles to better harness the goodness of our spiritual beings?

It is extremely easy for most of us to talk big and tall; perhaps it takes more than tweaking a few facial muscles to attain spiritual wisdom, thus freedom.

Of course, who am I, a free thinker to judge the right from wrong? I only question, for asking the right question, may fetch unexpected and fresh answers.

the kinder way

2010-09-03T12:30:00.000+08:00

I have always appreciate candidness. Truth cannot hurt, at least not the malicious way.

I am very blessed to have several good friends who would feedback frankly on the mistakes I made in website building. They are unlikely to point out my grammar mistakes though as that would take all day!! I am trying to refrain from blaming the 'era' and teachers, but it's true that during my times, the regular schools didn't have the best infrastructure in education. I am not smart enough to better my English standard on my own too, so, this is me, doing my best to communicate, even in the most imperfect English language.

I am very candid, but I have always thought - or at least I try - I am also quite discreet.

How do you inform a person of a mistakes or a possible embarrassment? Men or women, we have our shares of possible embarrassing moments. How do you inform the guy of an open fly? How do you inform the girl of the exposed droopy bra strap? Especially with company of friends or strangers?

I would think it is kinder to perhaps block/cover the exposed area in a discreet and non-offensive manner, pull the person away from the crowd and advise of your 'discovery'.

I believe that we sometimes pretend - just like the rest of the crowd - not to have seen it, as we worry that the person may not receive the kind advice well. Indeed, it is possible that people might react poorly out of the sudden outburst of embarrassment, which lead them thinking that you are mocking at them.

It is very difficult sometimes, to determine what is the 'right' thing to do, but I guess, it might just be easier to do things with kind intention. We cannot control the outcomes - I may attempt to contain the possible outcomes, but I'd rather not manipulate the situations - but we could only do our best at the best interests of the person we try to provide assistance with.

There were many occasions that I may go 'behind' the scene and advise the website owner of a mistake that I spotted, or even poke my nose further to feedback on a 'better' way that I may have discovered to do certain thing, such as widget or add ons. I don't assume we know everything, it would be nice to have someone point us towards a better direction, or to shine a little light on a blind spot, yes?

It is in my opinion that it is less kind to take a screenshot of someone's mistake and post it online. I might have done that myself, and I might not have thought it was a 'hurtful' action. I might merely wanted to have fun or perk up the social networking responses. We don't always see our own mistakes and poor behaviors as clearly as we wish; but when another person performs a similar act, we are quick to criticize and not realizing that we did the exact similar thing too.

Everyday, we are given many opportunities to reflect on our behaviors and being. We have every chance to better ourselves, or at least keep in the track on a kinder journey.

Be thankful when a friend, or a stranger takes time off his busy schedule to try to help us improve or amend on a shortcoming.

This blog is not about teaching people how to do the right things, this blog is strictly a personal reflection platform. It is never about you - whoever you may be - it's always about me. If you are offended, it only shows that you relate to what I discussed, or even associate yourself to a certain behavior. Perhaps, a self-reflection may help.

simple profiling

2010-09-02T21:04:00.000+08:00

I was talking with Mike on a randomly boring - but rather interesting to me - topic; arising from a somewhat irrelevant incident.

I was on the facebook gaming application "Bejeweled" and Mike asked what was the top score in my friend's list. Lo and be hold, the top score is 2,019,877!!!! My score? A humble 317,750. A six digit score is rare though, and it's jaw dropping!

Anyway, this led me to thinking that while I got really impressed, my natural 'forwarding' next thought skipped to the point of speculating the general responses.

"I realize that it seems quite difficult for people to praise another person on their achievements. I remember getting common responses of 'she has all day to play what', or 'she must have cheated', or 'we have better things to do than to game all day'. I wonder, how hard could it really be to simply be impressed and say, 'wow, she is really good!'."

It seems to be a challenge to admit defeat. It could be the way we were raised in a highly competitive environment. We raced to be number one in rocket speed, we forget to live a regular fine life.

The next incident that came to mind was associated to Jessie, my secondary school best friend. She was, and still is a dare devil. She is fast (probably fastest) thinking person who has super speedy reflexes. I am better known for my slower reaction. Jessie is like the Energizer Bunny, who never says die or tired. I am more like the tortoise, and the only time that I may keep abreast with the pace of Jessie's would be when she dragged me by the neck, literally!

We often associate fast reflexes to being smart, clever and brilliant; and more than often, it serves as quite an accurate benchmark. We would associate the opposite - slow reactions - to being less bright and clumsy. I am not shy to admit that I belong to the latter.

Most regular persons are able to 'juggle' between quick to slow. I am able to do things quickly, or respond to emergency in rocket speed; however, I might not have done it as effortlessly as Jessie, since it's her innate capacity to pick up speed. I am happier being slow, because I appreciate details and processes of matters better.

Jessie and I spent a great deal of time together when we were young. She loved exciting activities, while I would be just perfectly happy to read a book or finish my crochet projects. We used to have many carnivals around where I used to live, and when she slept over at my place, she would drag me out to the carnival.

There was this particular game that she adored - bang bang car (translated directly from Mandarin).

I remarked to Mike, 'I fail to comprehend the 'fun' factor of this game, what is so fun to be car crashed by others? It's horribly frightening!'. I laughed as soon as I completed the sentence.

We are able to conduct a basic profiling on a person by the simplest form of perspective variations. Jessie would never think that the game is about being car crashed by others; it's all about crashing her car into others!

Jessie is a person whom you don't want to trifle with. Most of the time, I would be the passenger, and Jessie the driver; other times, I had to go solo because there weren't enough cars to get the game started with. I bet she had more fun when we had our separate cars. She would either chase after me, and attempt to scare me to pee into my pants, or she would be my heroine and chase down the person who hit me!

I had very poor control on the steering wheel (that is a whole new different 'analysis' altogether), and often needed to be saved by the operator. Besides that, I would always steer away and avoid being banged. Jessie would already be targeting her prey even before she got into the car; if anyone banged into her car, or mine, she would chase and attack her 'offender' so fiercely, sometime, the big boys begged for mercy. She would wear this smug expression and say, 'crash my car? never die before!'. I enjoy her personality wholly, it is what makes her so different and charming.

A simple event may exhibit quite clearly of our behavioral patterns and personality profiles. Jessie is more aggressive in her approach, and when devised appropriately, she is more likely to be a high achiever. I adopt a more passive position, and avoid any kind of 'collision' - may also be associated to the intense fear of conflict; even when hit by the 'attacker', I would be more concerned of avoiding continual collision. I might make a better supporting person, than a leader.

That said, I am no gentle scaredy-cat when antagonized. Like I mentioned, we are usually able to 'juggle' between what we are, to what we need to be. We just have a 'default' setting - aka comfort zone - which works best for each unique us.

best friend

2010-08-25T11:45:00.000+08:00

Long long ago, there was a creature named "Seeno". She was the youngest at home, and commonly known as the spoilt brat.

She was neither pretty, nor clever. She was just one odd creature who hid behind her big sister, who posses both beauty and intelligence. Seeno was quiet, and had a huge inferior complex because she was often compared to her pretty sister. She grew to believe that she was less worthy and she would receive lesser in life.

She went to the same school as her sister, and she was like the forgettable shadow behind the sister. Seeno was shy and always kept to herself; she never took initiative to make new friends or to speak with anyone. Her sister did not like to have her around since she almost always wore a somber face.

During the first year of Primary School, a very pretty girl named Prissy approached Seeno and asked to be her best friend.

Seeno was flattered and exhilarated by the honor of having such a good-looking girl as her best friend. "I must be worth something that Prissy wants to be my friend, let alone best friend!” she thought to herself. She was determined to be the best of best friend. She would bring food to share with Prissy, and pinch on her allowances to save enough money to buy Prissy a birthday present.

They swore to be best friends forever. They named each other in the composition "My Best Friend" and wrote nice things they shared together as best friends; they felt like they had known each other forever!

Prissy was hospitalized and needed to go through a surgery to remove her appendix. When the teacher announced it to the class, Seeno nearly broke into tears. Although Seeno had no religion, she prayed diligently for Prissy's speedy and full recovery.

It had been a wonderful year, and Seeno had been very happy. Happy times flew by quickly.

They were in the same class again on the following year. The class was asked to write on "My Best Friend" again, but this time around, it was for the Chinese module.

Unchanged, and unshaken, Seeno included Prissy as her best friend; Prissy included another classmate as her best friend instead, a classmate whose name was not Seeno. Seeno was disappointed and sad, and asked in a very soft tone, "Why didn't you write that I am your best friend, we are best friend, right?". In a cold and unwavering voice, Prissy said, "You are not my best friend anymore. xxx is now my best friend". Seeno tried very hard to fight back the tears, and with apologies, she asked with shaking voice if she had done anything wrong, and if there was anything she could do to be the best friend again. She promised to do just anything as long as it pleased Prissy.

"But I don't want you as my best friend anymore, there is nothing else you could do, I like xxx more".

That day, Seeno went home and hid in one corner of the room. Afraid to be seen, she pretended to be sleeping, but she cried her eyes out for the whole day. “Suffering in silence” was one of the earliest coping methods she had learned.

Although her ex-best friend treated her like a runner/maid, she was happy that she was 'accepted' by someone. Now, her world came crumbling on her, as she submerged in the sea of misery, alone.

She was once again a 'rejected' odd creature, with absolute sense of helplessness as she was unable to do anything to salvage a friendship they had both swore to last forever. Thoughts raced through her mind, and she hoped to find the faults that she had done. She was not angry; she was just overcome with sadness, pure somber sadness. She was only 9 years old.

When she went back to school, she was filled with sadness. The new best friend now occupied the corner that belonged to Prissy and her. Prissy and the new best friend mocked at her when she passed by. She avoided them whenever possible, and she became quieter, if she was not assumed to be mute already.

When this happens to our child, we may dismiss it as though it shouldn't matter, as though she should just forget about this childish friendship and move on. We thought she would be fine and find a new best friend soon.

What if... What if she never recovers? What if she grows up to be fearful all the time? What if her smashed confidence is never regained?

Years later, Seeno continued to 'serve' her best friends like a maid, that was the only way she knew how to maintain friendship. She wanted to be faithful and loyal. She will cause no one the same sadness as she was introduced to; she will not inflict the same pain that may tear an innocent soul apart. "Make no mistakes", she promised herself.

She was incapable of embracing and enjoying any relationship. Whenever things started to look up for her, she imagined that the boy was going to dump her, even if she hadn't done anything wrong. She knew she would fall back to the same dark cave where she could do absolutely nothing to save the relationship. 90% of her love relationship ended abruptly and briefly, because of the utmost fear of being rejected and cast aside like a damaged good. She was incapacitated to develop and nurture a loving and intimate relationship.

Every minor event that a child experiences may cast a great impact on his/her confidence level. It may influence the function of his/her coping mechanism. It may be permanent. Some children outgrow the various episodes, some don't.

Seeno was and still is never good with handling accusations and rejections. Since 'oddity' is part of her personality, she is never well received and liked. The ratio of people not liking her is higher than anyone else's experience; and she doesn't even need to do anything right or wrong to attract gossip and discrimination. She appeared to be nonchalant, but deep inside, she always returned to same small corner where she wept so silently, and sadly.

As an adult, we may not be able to design a child's life event, but we may attempt to take everything they say to us seriously and try to see and feel things through their eyes and hearts. We may have forgotten how it was like for us, but there is a chance we may make a difference; take it and make it.

When we are fully accepting that in our eyes, the tiny and insignificant world of the child means everything to him/her, we are more likely to instill a healthier set of values and probably reassure the child better.

We learn best when we were young. Amongst the first things we learn, are judgments and methods. We learn to distinguish the good away from the bad; we learn how to handle different situations such as not repeating the same mistakes to avoid a beating.

less is more, says the master

2010-08-16T04:12:00.000+08:00

Once upon a time, there is a little ninja named Teeny, he has a master named Roja.

They live in a secluded mountain top, so isolated, there is hardly any other person around. Teeny was an abandoned baby, later adopted by Roja. He is destined to be a solo ninja.

On this fair day, Master Roja brings Teeny to the foot of the mountain to get some food supplies. It is the first time Teeny gets to see other people. Bearing in mind of Master Roja's teachings, Teeny never lies. It seems like a virtue in the basic human grading; it is unfortunately regarded as a 'handicap' in social skills in the eyes of general public of today's society.

It doesn't take long for Teeny to realize that despite doing all the right things that the master has taught him to, he is not well accepted by others.

The brief 'excursion' leaves Teeny feeling sad and troubled. He then asked Master Roja what he had done wrong and what he could have done better to please the people.

Master Roja, in his usual deep composure says, "Stay truthful; less is more". He left Teeny alone to ponder over.

Teeny stayed up the whole night, he could not fathom the complicated fact that people prefer lies to truth. Why would the master advises him to stay truthful when truth is the last thing most people want? What does 'less is more' really means in his situation?

After a long sleepless night, he finally understands the deeper meaning of it. He ought to stay truthful because lies is a vicious action that would almost certainly fetch pain and hurt, eventually.

He could stay truthful and be more diplomatic about delivering the message; or he may avoid explaining too much by keeping the respond sweet and brief.

He realizes that when he attempts to explain in depth to the others why he says what he says, thinking that he would soothe the negative effect of rejection, he fetches an undesirable reaction instead. What the receiving party hears is merely a longer version of no, no, no, and no. It is almost like delivering 10 blows onto his subject when he could achieve the similar result by just delivering a single swift blow.

Explanation only serves its purpose when the person listening to it keeps an open mind.

"If a friend cannot understand me, I am better off alone", Teeny says to himself. It may seem like a lonely notion, but it is a safer choice whereby he won't hurt a friend by falling short under the expectation; he won't be hurt by a friend who fails to understand him for who he is.

the perfect simple job

2010-08-04T14:01:00.000+08:00

I try to stay true to myself, even for publicity opportunities.

Simple Arts Planet is the perfect simple job for me, and honestly, I may have considered - on several occasions - returning to the corporate rat race, but I truly am not certain if I would be as happy as I am right now. I am sure I would be able to adapt and manage the change - we always adapt to change, despite the resistance - I am not as certain if I would feel as fulfilled and accomplished as I feel with this present work.

#Accomplishment may not be necessarily defined by the monetary rewards; it may be in the spirit of self-actualization.

It is in my own words as published on the article:
"This is my opportunity to return to the younger state of mind and create an imaginary playground. I am a dreamer and I enjoy the fantasy where my little dolls live in a perfect planet... It is my wish that these creations will bring joy to someone's life"

Living in a small country, big city like Singapore, often times, we feel suffocated by the scarcity of space - physical or personal - that we spend a large fraction of time compensating for the day-to-day frustration, hence the lack of opportunity to create anything interesting.

I was pondering over this 'creativity' issue lately. I suspect that 'space' could be one important contributing reason to be innovative and creative.

Many great technology and product innovations originate from large countries, and one of them is America. Apart from being more populated since they are larger, perhaps because the encouragement for individual's independence attributes to freedom of inspiration and imagination. The children are encouraged to move out of the parents' house at a certain age. Some may not reside in close proximity to the parents.

In many cases, there are prerequisites to the work of creativity and research work. One of them would be minimized interferences and interruptions to the momentum of workflow.

In Singapore, we are encouraged to live under the same roof with our parents and even grandparents. I feel that it may be the 'optimized' social strategy to 'control' responsibilities. When everyone takes care of everyone, the big brother frees the hands on other matters, and probably save on some pennies too. Most importantly, the lack of land 'forces' us to pack more people in one apartment unit. For every policy implemented, there is dilemma, so while the majority benefits from the scheme, the minority falls away unnoticed.

We live so close to one another - if not in the same apartment, it may be in the same community, since most of us take advantage of the 'live near to your parents discount' - there is further discounted freedom of time. Personally, I feel that in Singapore, we are encouraging 'dependency' a tad too much.

We do have talented Singaporeans, but ironically many of them perform better when they are away from home. There may be just too many clusters of matters to take care of when we are at 'home'. To make matter worse, we are amongst those countries ranked in the 'longest working hours' chart. If only creativity comes around as easily as turning on/off the water tap, otherwise, when the right idea comes along, we might just be too bogged down with everything else that is in the pre-packed box. Thinking out of the box may be too much a risk and luxury for a standard city person.

By and by, we stop thinking, we just do; and thinking is the first process into creativity work. The one thing we are very creative in, are the excuses for medical leave at the doctor's office; or excuses to work overtime.

Many of you would know that I hardly use my cell phone or even land phone now, mainly because I am not the super talented person who could juggle with both the right and left brain at the same time. I suspect that my right brain that controls the creativity ability, is quite a small portion too, so I have to literally pool all the resources to support the function of this part of the brain, when in use.

I am a dreamer, I dream of the impossible and possibly impractical - once described by a very good friend. Indeed, I am not quite a practical person, otherwise I would not be doing what I do now.

There are many missing chapters in 'The Book of Lis'. There was a dimly lit path in my life, a path so dim, there are very vague and little evidences of events that I walked that path before. It was like a passing dark shadow, I know it existed, but it feels like missed chapters where nothing significant took place during those few young years.

Perhaps, it is exactly the missing chapters that evokes a deep desire in me to return to the younger state of mind, attempting to make up for the lost youth. Perhaps, it's an opportunity to attempt to recreate happier and colorful pages, where all things are perfectly in place the way they should.

The desire for the impossible makes the process both mystical and fulfilling when we try to close up the gap with our imagination. A dream impossible is not so far-fetched, after all.

I believe in doing my best, before I rest my case. At present, I am still doing my best for what I enjoy doing most. Perhaps I may never return to the corporate world, because my 'market value' is depreciating with the passing time.

The brief article is featured in August 2010 issue of TimeOut Singapore.

the envious heart

2010-07-23T11:35:00.000+08:00

As a regular, not-so regular, eccentric, or whatever person, we have an envious heart.

We may try to deny, or repulse the idea that we are even envious. The problem lies with our intense fear of 'truth', the truth that not only that we are imperfect, but an ugly bug resides and lurks somewhere in the dark corner in our hearts.

I have a bad habit of getting to the truth even if it costs me an arm, whether the truth is a desired one, or not. I'd like to think of 'Truth' as the neutral party who doesn't take sides; loved and hated by many, yet remain unaffected.

As a crafter and online merchant, I have been fortunate to be mentioned and featured in various media, so do other crafters.

The day of 'self-discovery' came when I read about a feature of another online merchant. I didn't feel good about it. It took me a while to 'sort out' the weird unfriendly feeling, it's not that familiar to me, but it's definitely an uncomfortable surge of emotions, and I didn't like it.

What usually happens is that we always dismiss unpleasant feeling, as though it's not about us. We even attempt to explain it with an accusing finger pointing towards the other person. We falsely think that when the blame lies with another person, it makes everything good for us. I'm sure you have heard about this, 'when pointing an accusing finger at someone, 4 other fingers are pointing towards ourselves'.

Once I was more 'settled' in, I told Mike about this. We usually tell our partner about an unpleasant feeling or event hoping to seek some moral support or kind words to soothe the uneasiness; I am a very odd person - if you haven't noticed that I have this blog named 'the quirky me' - I wasn't looking for comforting words, I deal with 'truth' - even the most brutally cruel ones - better than I thought. I need someone to help me mirror my thoughts, and yet feel in complete ease that I don't need to defend myself at all. I am not afraid to display flaws, I am confident in my partner to accept me for who I truly am.

Self-discovery is a journey, not destination. Along this journey, we continue to unravel many mysteries about ourselves, which could have defined our behaviors. Acknowledge, accept, evolve, and renew.

Mike is a very loving husband. He knew I would bash myself up for harboring ill feelings, we all do, perhaps it's a reaction towards the resentment towards the ugly self. Oh well, I might really have a secret desire to perfect myself, even though I am convinced it's nearly impossible. "It's okay, you have a feature coming up too", he said.

"No, it's not that. It's not about the person, or me getting more exposure. It's the envious heart that I need to deal with". Believe me, it's not as easy as I may sound here, to own up to it. It's like telling Mike, "I am not as good as you thought I am". It's actually frightening.

I didn't want to be comforted. I didn't want to dismiss it, not just like that. I want to face the demon that was staring in my eyes. I didn't want to shun the stares, the only way to make it go away, is to acknowledge its existence and confront the root of cause.

My inquisitive mind continued to dig deeper. It's not a pleasant process when confronting an uglier side of myself. It's a lot easier to dance on cloud nine of something pretty I do - that is the motivation to do more good, because we want to feel good about ourselves.

As I 'laid out' all the ugly cards in my mind, hoping to achieve as much fairness as possible on this evaluation, I found out more. I am not envious towards everyone, that person isn't even my competitor!

I wasn't pleased, because I didn't think the person deserved the feature. We crossed paths, and the person did me wrong and took advantage of the pseudo friendship.

The deeper level into knowing the 'demon' in my heart, is that, I don't do so well with betrayal. It could be true that no one likes to be betrayed; but this is one of worst pain buttons in my life. It didn't begin with the ex who committed infidelity, it began way back. I was a child who never felt safe; that could explain why I rarely asked for help, I never wanted friends to think I am taking advantage of them, because I know exactly how it feels.

The deeper I dive, the clearer the muddy water becomes. I feel truly happy for some people, even if they are my competitors because I recognize their efforts, talents, and integrity in their works; I experience an outburst of anguish when some others get their undeserving exposures, especially when I firmly believed it's a pack of lies in the interview.

Now, this envious heart I have, comes to prove that I have a long long way ahead to overcome the usually buried anguish that I had experienced as a child. Perhaps, this intense emotion that triggers a defensive mechanism whenever I am met with similar situation, clouds my judgement and person profiling ability.

This group of people who almost always never fail to lure the angry demon out, may not be my enemies. They could actually be the good samaritans (I know, it's just another twisted angle to look at it) to show me the way into dealing with my worst demon. One that I may not know existed.

(I have the habit of using 'we' in blogging here, because no matter how unique I may delude myself to be, the fact is that there are a bunch of oddies out here, just like myself. I am using more 'I' here, because I cannot assume that everyone has a similar ugly side, like I do)

counting down

2010-07-18T15:53:00.000+08:00

Counting down to something could be a happy looking-forward anticipation; it could mean counting down to end of misery; we hardly count down to the end of happiness as we are often too busy trying to enjoy every bit of it, so we usually count down to a happier tune instead of a sorrowful song.

I use count down widget to push the excitement of a certain event to a new height - wedding day; holiday etc.

Simply put, this is similar to creating a 'hope', and perhaps helps define what you do now. We work super hard, so that we would enjoy super much during our holiday.

Many of you already know I love my work, even though I am my own boss, and have the liberty to choose when and where I begin/end work for the day, there are rough days too. With something to look forward to, helps you expand your vision a little wider, so that your focal point is not locked on a specific small micro matter that has the ability to cripple you to function normally.

Sometimes, when stared too hard at one single matter, we may neglect the larger picture, and drive ourselves to the wall and the next thing we know, we feel suffocated and at complete malfunction.

Having something to look forward to, is like adding some sweet fragrant honey into a glass of dark, distasteful looking drink. It helps to make current situation more manageable and bearable.

Mike and I are very different people, but we always have at least one common goal, that is good enough to sweet gel the two of us as one united couple.

We have the Annual Holiday, aka Wedding Anniversary Trip, aka Anti-Lunar New Year (at least for me, I really dislike the 'noises' and possible conflicts that LNY may bring) Trip. Since last year, we have 'rescheduled' one of the holidays (we have an average of 3 travels every year) to coincide with my birthday, so now, we have Lis' Birthday Holiday, aka My Husband Loves Me More Holiday. Mike's birthday is less than a month away from mine, so it would be too near to my birthday holiday to plan for another holiday, yet too far from my birthday holiday to extend the trip.

So, yeah, I guess the logic remains that Mike wants to make me happy, when I am happy, he is happy, when he is happy, I am happy, the happy cycle repeats. hahaha, I am quite a blessed woman, if I may say so.

P.S.: I can't add the widget to my two other wordpress hosted blogs because they disallow script, that is the small nagging regret I have about migrating my saplanet craftblog to wordpress from blogger. bleah.

Overheard at My Own Funeral

2010-07-15T21:08:00.003+08:00

I hope that day will never come, since I would really love no funeral at all. Cremate and dispose the ashes wherever convenient (and legal, I would not want anyone to get fined for disposing my ashes). I really don't appreciate noises and group gatherings, I don't think that is going to change even after life.

Then again, if I were gone, and the people I left behind insisted that a funeral is absolutely necessary - not like I could object to it (hahaha, I wonder if I would acquire the skill of haunting!!!! That would really be fun!!!) - it might be a yellow/orange theme funeral.

Right, so I were the fly on the wall of my own funeral...

[Somewhat Vaguely Related aka SVR]
- like 7 levels deep relation

There might just be a group of people whom I might never remember, come to give their condolences to whoever related to me, but not directly related to me. In order to 'fit' into the other groups of people who really do knew me in one way or another (such as via blog/social networking), the SVR would try so hard to recall something about me and probably speak something nice about me.

[Related but Not Close aka RNC]

- like blood related, but only met me less than 7 times in the entire lifetime, my life time of course, theirs are still not ending yet

Blood related is tricky. Attend or not to attend? Not really wanting to attend, yet somewhat 'obliged' to, otherwise, they may just be the 'talk of the next relative meeting'. So they swing by, and since they don't really know me well enough, they are challenged to dig into small bits of memory clips of the brief 7 meetings which ended in brief 7 minutes each time. Hey, but they are blood related, so they are regarded as 'VIR' (very important relative), sort of.

[Not related aka NR]

- maybe somewhat 'linked', but not before my funeral

I am quite certain that there is going to be a group of people whom I may not have met in my life, but already liked me immediately they heard of me. The florist, the coffin maker, the undertaker, and anyone else who gets business out of my death. Ironically, they may probably be the most truthful group amongst the rest. (fine, maybe not 100% truthful, they wouldn't want to say anything bad about me to offend the people who are going to pay them for their services, yes?)

To wrap this up, I think it's going to be more praises at the funeral - that's why I don't quite attend funeral, because I don't lie - just to be polite and to console the grieving family.

As for the most valued group - Related and Loved aka RnL - might not be at the funeral at all, since they would probably know that is not I would wished for. I would wish for everyone to continue to enjoy their beautiful lives, and surely they are allowed to remember and think of me whenever convenient. Keyword: convenient, I hate to inconvenient people.

Also, there is bound to be a group hiding somewhere, whispering juicy gossip about me, and the good old vineyard effect kick start from this day on.

The next thing we know, I am dead the second time around when someone uses the flies bat to hit me silly and dead.

~ The End ~

observer

2010-07-10T11:35:00.000+08:00

I am known for the meticulousness and the ultra observing skills. These may be the result of mere survivor instincts.

We may not be aware of this, but as soon as we come to 'senses' as children, the 'survivor' that inhabits in us is awakened too.

If we observe carefully, we might notice that most children who grow up in an abusive and probably brutal environment, tend to be more observant. Naturally, we all learn to 'dodge the bullets' and with many painful experiences, we learn to pre-amp before the shootings even start.

Depending on what kind of environments that attribute in shaping us, and giving us a different surviving skills set, we may be just what we are because of that. Many of us who are exposed to abusive relationships at home, may not have the good fortune to become what we may possibly be; for some small groups of us, we turn out just fine, or perhaps, better than the general regular kids.

The latter would be what we should always be grateful for. The course of the journey may have been tweaked slightly for us to be filtered from going astray, to becoming a better person.

That said, fortunately and unfortunately, the 'surviving' skill that we have obtained in the hardest way imagined, may stay with us forever, and may either help clear up obstacles, or deter progress in life.

The skill is harnessed on the sheer fear that we had experienced. We may be more vigilant in 'detecting' certain catalysts for potential 'disasters' than others, we are also more fearful of the same situation. In plain words, when we are children, especially very small children, the only logical coping mechanism to adopt is 'Flight'. Our minds, although young, are packed with rationality, and decide we could not have fought off an abusive behavior (that is why we are supposed to be protected by adults, yes?) without getting hurt, therefore, between Fight and Flight, the mind often decides the latter.

It is a sad fact. We tend to grow up watching over our shoulders. I was fearful of angry situations; I am now less fearful of angry people, but I resent them. What has not changed is that, my primary option in attempting an angry situation is 'Flight'. I am convinced that if I have adopted a 'Fight' strategy, it wouldn't be pretty. Many a times, as much as we may deny it, we adopted the similar behavior too. This could be due to a psychological complication, because in most childhood abuse situations, the abusers are adults whom we are familiar with, and are supposed to pass down values and beliefs systems to us.

We should never have to analyze a complicated situation, of a mixed situation of being loved and being abused at the same ground, same time. I guess that is why child abusers need to be put away for good. Some acts are heinous and root to pure evil, this is one of them. The only forgiveness they may expect is from their God(s), if they have any.

Perhaps, that is why I am always aware of a potential angry situation; or what may lead to one nasty ugly fight. Some of us, may manipulate and instigate; some of us just run for our dear lives.

There are times I think that angry people should never be parents; there should be a mandate to send angry people to angry management course and make sure they are certified 'safe' before they are ever allowed to be parents. Yeah, that is another part of my fantasy of building a 'Perfect World', eh?

the ugly truth

2010-06-30T11:23:00.000+08:00

Technology brings about convenience and speed into our lives. Convenience that our parents may never imagine possible in their younger days. Convenience to improve lives, or/and destroy lives. Convenience for the good, and for the evil.

Once upon a time, there is a frog named Welfroy, he lives in a tiny well that he thought was everything. Everyday, he would tell stories about the newly discovered algae that is growing on the wall of the well, or the tiny insects that crawl in. These were probably all his world was about, and he blew everything out of proportion, because there was nothing 'bigger' than those algae and insects, since he had never been out in the real world, bigger than his own. Humility was probably not something he knows existed too.

Everyday, I see outrageous and ridiculous video clips posted online about the small nitty gritty stuffs of someone else's private life. The small tiff that the couple had at shopping mall; the stressed out mother raising her voice at her hyperactive son; a woman shouting at an aged man... and many more.

I would like to believe that built-in camera/video in the cell phones are developed with the best and loving intention - to capture beautiful moments of your loved ones, to create more joyful memories and days for our fast paced life-style.

Sadly, we tend to catch on the bad vibes quicker and easier than we would even believe - so much for the determination and control, on the other hand, for some twisted reasons, we tend to think that it's lame and stupid to believe in the good. We decide that capturing and recording the arguments behind someone's backyard is far more interesting and intriguing than spending quality time with our loved ones. We involve ourselves heavily with other people's trouble.

We stop praising about people, and goodness; we are quick to criticize and almost seem impatient to destroy someone's life - someone, whom we have never met before.

I have to think that either most of us are aspired to be a lousy journalist of a tabloid paper; or we have a common ambition to be an unjust judge.

Morals and ethics seem overrated for most of us? Instead of informing the authorities when we are witnessing a fight - yes, I do not encourage that we intervene into a heated conflict because we may make matter worse or invite harm to ourselves - we are busy shooting video of the fight, of course we couldn't call anyone, the cell phone is now operating as a video camera.

We blow everything out of proportion by uploading the fraction of the video online and share on the social networking sites, not forgetting to include caption of our 'precious' and 'first-hand' judgement. This, of course is done in the assumption that we know exactly what happened, and as though our opinions should be the final verdict of the right, or wrong. Hey, we have just become D' Judge - minus the years of proper training and experience.

When the 'video clip producer' talks about the couple who had a tiff at the shopping mall, the emphasis is on the embarrassment and shame. One comment follows another, the vineyard effect comes in, and now, the 'truth' which is not coming from the horse's mouth, is that the couple is breaking up because of a third-party involvement. I am always amazed in how imaginative we all could get, when it comes to malicious rumors.

The mother who raises her voice at her hyperactive son in public may be facing a tremendous amount of stress from work, or a sudden financial crisis when her own mother is diagnosed with terminal illness. We don't know that, but as always, we choose to be ignorant and to satisfy our desires to fully potentialize our creative capabilities and 'color' the story in the shades we prefer - rainbow of pain! We would tell the world that the mother is abusive, and that it is clear that a mother who would publicly shout at the son, would definitely abuse the son behind closed doors. We continue to conclude that the mother deserved to be jailed or dumped in hell of furnaced flames!

The woman who shouts at an aged man, may be raising her voice, because that could be the only way to even communicate with him - he is partially deaf.

When we are doing our small videos production, that we naively imagine would win an oscars prize or something, we are really injecting pain into someone's ordinary life. A life that deserves respect and full privacy.

An ordinary, and small struggle that may be faced by ordinary simple people may be easily overcame with if we have allowed it to flow and teach us the exact lesson we should learn in life. Instead, when things are blown into magnified monstrous size, it is beyond us to deal with it anymore. As if the fast paced lifestyle is not opening up more 'opportunities' for stress, the nosey parkers decide that their boring day-to-day lives need more colors by 'stealing' the privacy of others.

One day, Welfroy realizes that there is a much much larger world outside the well, he takes the first step out of his comfort zone. He feels a little oozy and giddy at first, and almost too overwhelming with the wider 'screen' he now faces, but he gets over it soon. He apologizes to the insects for mocking at them without giving them the benefit of doubts.

He takes the humble pie, and begins to learn earnestly.

He learns that perception may not necessarily be gained within the wall of the cylindered well, but from various angles that he was completely unaware existed before.

He is now known as 'The frog in and out of the well'. The well remains as the most secured and comfortable home; but he embraces the world with an open mind, and kind thoughts.

He is a keen observer, and he stops assuming. Instead, he listens. He travels around more frequently, and comes home with a bag-ful of facts and knowledge to share with his fellow well-stayers. He doesn't always stay out of trouble, sometimes, he may land himself in the line of fire, to assist in making the world a better place. He doesn't honor rumors, but actively seeks truth from within.

We have a strange and thwarted way in trying to understand people and ourselves. We think that by demeaning others, we would enlarge our personal images - the theory of ego-inflation by deflating someone else's worth. It makes sense, when we stand beside a super small person, we appear big and gigantic. Maybe, we need not be bigger to be good, maybe we have to correct the false perception that there is only one winner. Maybe we don't need to win, or maybe we may all be winners!

We are highly competitive, we think the only way to survive human race is to come up first as the sole winner. Perhaps, in the field of humanity, there is no competition at all. Along the long long long way of human history, we begin to forget "harmony".

The 3 crayons

2010-06-26T09:57:00.002+08:00

Grey
Not too harsh, yet clear enough to make any statement. Black is a little too harsh for my liking.

Yellow
Yellow is a happy color to me, which signifies brightness and glow.

Orange
Orange is another happy color, yet bearing a small burst of energy. Orange is almost equivalent to Vitamin C, great for the immune system eh!

addicted to work

2010-06-14T16:10:00.000+08:00

I am an addict, a hard core addict! I am addicted to work. I crochet even when I watch my favorite drama series.

I work on most of the weekends, and even though I tried to stop that 'habit', I realized that I am perfectly happy being a workaholic, because my work, unlike any other jobs, is the perfect job that I have chosen for myself. I love doing what I do, it fetches a great deal of pleasure, so, there is no better reason to stop enjoying my weekends, if you understand what I mean.

I did a bunch of things over the weekend that past. Part of the work required me to be working on my computer, and I always tune in to the iTunes radio when I am working on the computer.

My favorite station now is 94.7 Fresh FM.

I heard a very interesting song, which I must have heard many times before, but had never paid attention to the lyrics. The music is kind of catchy, and the vocal sounds like Lady Gaga, so I brought up my iTunes window to check on the information of the singer.

Indeed, it was Lady Gaga's 'Telephone' with Beyonce. I googled for the lyrics and after reading, I couldn't stop laughing! I simply love her attitude, not rude, but candid.

Below is my 'amended' lyrics, which fits me better. Most of you would already know that I find phone rings repulsive, literally. My cell is usually 'lost' somewhere, because it seems to have a mind of its own to irritate me by ringing off when I most needed the undisturbed momentum to work.

Yes, I don't answer my cell, or home phone at all. Don't ask me why I am keeping it. I just text messaged my printer this morning, and the last time I messaged him was months ago, but his contact came up 2nd in the recently called listing. It's more for me to call out, but not exactly to be called-in, so yes, please still don't call me. Email works best.

Hello, hello?
You called, I can't hear a thing.
I have got no service
in the work studio, you see, see…
Wha-Wha-What did you say?
Oh, you're breaking up on me…
Sorry, I cannot hear you,
I'm kinda busy.

K-kinda busy
K-kinda busy
Sorry, I cannot hear you, I'm kinda busy.

Just a second,
it's my favorite song they're gonna play
And I cannot text you with
a crachet hook in my hand, eh…
You should've made some plans with me,
you knew that I was free.
And now you won't stop calling me;
I'm kinda busy.

Stop callin', stop callin',
I don't wanna think anymore!
I left my hand and my heart at my iMac.
Stop callin', stop callin',
I don't wanna talk anymore!
I left my hand and my heart at my iMac.

Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh…
Stop telephonin' me!
Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh…
I'm busy!
Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh…
Stop telephonin' me!
Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh…

Can call all you want,
but there's no one home,
and you're not gonna reach my telephone!
Finished one project,
and I'm working on another,
and you're not gonna reach my telephone!

Call when you want,
but there's no one home,
and you're not gonna reach my telephone!
Finished one project,
and I'm working on another,
and you're not gonna reach my telephone!

Boy, the way you blowin' up my phone
won't make me stop work no faster.
Finish the projects no faster,
pack up the materials no faster.
I shoulda left my phone under the pillow,
'cause this is a disaster!
Callin' like a collector -
sorry, I cannot answer!

Not that I don't like you,
I'm just at a workaholic.
And I am sick and tired
of my phone r-ringing.
Sometimes I feel like
I live in Grand Central Station.
Today I'm not takin' no calls,

Stop callin', stop callin',
I don't wanna think anymore!
'cause I'll be working.

'cause I'll be working
'cause I'll be working
Today I'm not takin' no calls, 'cause I'll be working!

Stop callin', stop callin',
I don't wanna think anymore!
I left my hand and my heart on the new project.
Stop callin', stop callin',
I don't wanna talk anymore!
I left my hand and my heart on the new project.
I left my hand and my heart on the new project.
Stop callin', stop callin',
I don't wanna talk anymore!
I left my hand and my heart on the new project.

We're sorry… the number you have reached is not in service at this time.
Please check the number, or try your call again

battle of the good and better

2010-06-04T13:39:00.000+08:00

My lovely wacom tablet has been brought up on the desk for 2 months now, but I have yet the time to use it for the intended purpose.

The carton box of supplies was lying around the work room since forever, until I finally decide to shelve one weekend (and of course, I work on weekends too, so that was a difficult decision, given that I really love my work) aside to just sort out the supplies. I had to because I had been digging into the box when orders came in.

My folder of invoices and documents is fattened by at least 3 times the original size, and I suspect it is bursting anytime now. I have yet the time to sort out accounts.

Although I make them sound like everything is in a mess, but the truth is that it's only natural for an one-woman operation to be piling up with 'work to be done'. It may also be a good news after all, if I get to sit around doing nothing, it is time to consider winding up the business.

Everyday, I battle with small simple struggles. Struggles are good. I mentioned that human is continually evolving, and change is constant. It is only human that we experience struggles, small or big. Simple one such as doing the new design today, or to clear up administrative work today.

With a conscience, we strive to do the right thing, all the time, if possible. Since it is not always clear when it comes to definition of Right and Wrong, we reason and hope to make a wise and correct decision. I guess there is no perfect formula to do this, but if we believe in goodness, and 'set' our primary objective towards driving goodness, decisions would be made based on the roots of good intentions.

I know it's commonly known as the battle of devil and the angel. Let's heighten this Friday with more positivity, shall we? I would like to think that it's the battle between the good and the better. We strive to be good, and when we are stronger, we work towards bettering ourselves, we just need to pace ourselves out a little. "Haste deter progress" We don't need to always better ourselves as though we are missioned to do the act, it may be more beneficial if we go with the flow in a more progressive manner.

My today's struggle was... To work on a new design. I ended up spending half the work time on the computer, editing photos and recording a new photoshop action. I don't know, but one thing leads to another (like always) and I have successfully recorded a super combo action. If I were to apply the similar set of actions individually on more than 150 photos, I may need hours, because the specific actions are very intensive. I spent less than an hour to record a new action, and with a click of mouse, the actions are batch automated, and I achieve the exact same result on all 150 image files in less than 5mins! I feel very productive already, even though I have to scratch the plan of working on new design today.

It is a perfect timing to decide to take a slightly longer weekend (right, I don't really think that is going to happen too, I really really really enjoy my work, and Mike is going out tomorrow, so I might just grab the weekend to do some work) since I am also down with cold.. boo hoo.

isolation

2010-05-14T11:44:00.001+08:00

It may be gradual, progressive, sudden, abrupt, or just plain simple - I am going into isolation.

The trends are all too familiar to me. It happened before.

We cope differently, and I know when my coping mechanism kicks in, when the need of isolation impends.

Many years ago, I 'disappeared' for a few years from the lives of almost everyone. I was trying to cope, all by myself. I have been blessed to always have people around me; I wasn't blessed enough to have them around to be there for me.

Our friends and loved ones always mean well, they just render the unhelpful support unknowingly, in the wrongest way imagined. Not all support is welcomed for an emotionally wounded soul. Any emotion is potentially potent and could be an added burden to the person who is overwhelmed with the present life challenge or crisis.

Back then, even though I had everyone; I had no one. The blaming is always the problem, they either blame me, or blame another person. Blaming is an aggressive and usually an angry emotion. My container was full, and I could adopt no more new emotion, even though they were trying to help; at least they sincerely thought they were being helpful.

I knew I had to be away from everyone else. I didn't think I was capable to handle more sympathy, anger, and even affection. Many of us fail to comprehend that 'this' is not about us, and our eagerness to impress anyone with our opinions. Many a times, people are eager to express their useless and opposing opinions just to make an insignificant argument. Often they neglect the wider picture that this is not their party, it's someone else's sorrow.

I needed to be very very quiet and still. When the container is full, every slight movement may result in an overspill, and things may get out of control, too quickly, too abruptly.

It is happening again. I feel an urge to stay away. From then, till now, many events had taken place. The 'lessons' are learnt by others and myself. I now have people around, and they are here just for me.

I never knew how to depend on anyone, perhaps I don't trust that anyone is dependable enough. If you study into my childhood and family component, you would know why I only depend on myself.

I learnt that my mother and sister belong to the same 'clique'; while I never trust my father. My mum and sister are kind and fun loving, but they have very short interest span. They promise too quickly, and many a times neglect that disappointment may be resulted upon failed delivery of promises.

I have learnt that it is not their fault if they don't deliver their promises; I have to take ownership of the decision to entrust important tasks to them, even though I understand their personalities. I am a boring person with very rigid personality, I take things all too seriously, and believe that everyone gets hurt in various degrees because we fail them.

Everything is intertwined in one way or another. Because I refrain from asking for help, I only depend and demand on myself. This leads to quick filling up of the 'emotion container', and when the container is filling up fast, coping mechanism kicks in, isolation begins, I become unpopular all over again because I am not as helpful as before.

Overtime, I am not so bothered with being popular with people or not. Today, I am just very glad that at least I have Mike who understands me perfectly, and I don't even need to explain myself.

I am a very blessed person, after all.

defined by eco-status

2010-05-08T12:40:00.002+08:00

Like the first date, or when you are trying to open up a small conversation with a stranger, weather was the perfect topic, or rather, easiest topic. We never had imagined that we would one day discuss weather in a less pleasant mood.

Back in those days, weather was more predictable. Singapore is a single season country - tropical summer. We had our usual rain seasons, and cooler seasons. Heat was quite bearable because it would only lasted 3-4 months, and we would enjoy another quarter of better weather.

I have always been the story person, a keen listener. Life stories excite me.

It was always intriguing to listen to mum's stories. The different generations marked transition of technology evolution, and the different habits, childhood, pace.. What mum never had to specially share with us was 'weather'.

Sadly, this has changed for us. We will now include the topic of weather when we tell our stories to our children. They may never understand stable weather like we once enjoyed. The whacked out eco-system is no longer bearable to our human bodies.

When we were small, the sun seemed gentler on us.

It may be too challenging or nearing impossible for us to reverse the situation now, damage is done and may be permanent. We could however reduce damage, and hope that Mother Nature heals by herself, gradually.

I welcome new innovation that helps reduce environment damage. I admit that I cannot live without the air conditioner now, because the heat is causing too much discomfort. Installing an air conditioner unit is not an eco-friendly endeavor, but today, air conditioner is no longer a luxury, it is quite a necessity already. I am glad though, that nearly all our air conditioner units sold in the stores are Energy Star certified.

I don't remember having to wake up feeling too hot and humid. These days, this is getting more common and regular.

We would soon be defined by the eco-status if we do not do anything about it. Baby boomers, Gen X, Gen Y, Millennials etc, would be something of the far past; or be redefined by the environmental damages.

Just so you know, it's too hot and humid today, that I miss those days when I chilled with my mischievous sister when we were small.

size matters...

2010-05-04T10:34:00.000+08:00

When I introduce Singapore to foreign friends, I would say it's a huge city, tiny country.

Being as tiny as Singapore, we enjoy many benefits that many larger neighbors do not. I am told that it's approximately 1.5hrs to travel from one end of Singapore to another by MRT; probably 45mins-1hr by car, during off peak hours. Yes, I have lived and still living in Singapore all my life, I just don't keep track of things like that, whenever it involves statistics=numbers.

We have very comprehensive public transportation system. You might not believe this, but we may just have too many shopping malls, and we complain about distance even though the nearest mall could be within 15-20mins walk. We are that pampered, but only because we really could afford that when we are 'home'.

There are many more benefits that are brought about, being 'small'.

It is also because we are small, we travel frequently. It is like restricting yourself in a relatively narrow room, everywhere you go, you hit onto someone, or something. Space, is scarcity. We are constantly in need of personal space, if not just space.

When space is scarce, we build anything, and everything upwards. You see many skyscrapers in Singapore, because there is literally not enough land to expand sideways, so we go upward instead. Gradually, we prefer to be located on a higher storey, because buildings are built closely together, it feels (practically and psychologically) stuffy when you live on lower floors.

Most of the regular Singaporeans live in the apartment flat units, under the public housing scheme. The units are shrinking by generations, if not by decades. They are not cheap though. A regular 92sq ft 4-room flat (consisting of 3 bedrooms, a living room, and kitchen) could cost you from SGD250-300K for built-to-order unit (BTO, which may take 4-5 years to build); or SGD330-600K (of course, the recent crazy price is nearly SGD1Mil at some zone, don't even ask why public housing prices are allowed to rocket that high, it's not my call, definitely, ask the big guy).

There are many regulations tagged to this 'entitlement' to purchase under the public housing scheme. I understand these are essential.

Being small, we can run, but we can't hide! We lack the opportunity to better develop personal independence, because it is not common to leave the parents' home to live on our own. Remember, we have scarcity of land and property.

What is puzzling to me is that we are often lacking the experience in buying and selling property, public or private housing, hence the lack of knowledge.

Many friends, like myself, are trapped in the situation that our parents who had owned a smaller flat back then, and paid up the mortgage loan, decided to 'upgrade' to a larger unit, and restart the mortgage loan that they never could pay up in their near-to-retire working days.

If you were to ask me, they should never have been allowed for such upgrades since the mortgage loan is stretched to years exceeding their retirement age! Being less educated, they might not have understood the term 'plan ahead'. Were they properly briefed of the consequences, if they are out of job, or retired?

Of course, the Chinese culture of filial piety comes to play, just so conveniently. (Believe me, I would be a less confused person, if I were raised like a Chinese, and educated like a Chinese too.) The child, whoever left in the house unmarried would be suddenly responsible to take over the house to repay the loan, like we should.

This child or children who help with paying off the mortgage loan, soon found out that they are either supposed to remain unmarried until the parents pass on, and seize full ownership of this flat; or they are no longer eligible to apply for a flat under public housing, even though they are starting a new family.

Now, another contraction is that, we encourage child birth, have you not heard of the baby bonuses that we give out? We want the younger generations to get married, and have children, otherwise, our nation is aging quicker than planned, since these younger generations are putting off marriages!

The small tiny unit could only house that many people, yes? I am just wondering how we may fit the offsprings of the offsprings into the tiny unit, with their parents, and parents of their parents. Gosh, this is confusing for this quirky me.

Being small, we encourage the citizens to live together, probably to save space, so we build multi-generation theme houses.

Because we are small, I have nowhere to run, because I am just a regular Singaporean, with very regularly low income, yet spending regular expenses to travel abroad just to keep myself sane, and regularly struggling to get un-stuck.

Living in this huge city, tiny country, is conveniently... challenging.

think the opposite

2010-04-27T16:44:00.000+08:00

I am recently hooked on a new tv series, "Dexter", amongst other new tv series. In last evening's episode (I am on Season 2 now), Dexter's foster father, Harry, tried to coach Dexter in better attempting the psychologist's questions. He asked Dexter to answer the opposite, what Dexter thinks is right, is actually wrong, so he needs to answer in his mind, and reply the opposite, that would be the 'right' answers, commonly accepted by the society.

Honestly, I have told myself that since I was a child. I have very unpopular preferences, from the majority's. I prefer Donald Duck to Mickey Mouse (in fact, I really dislike Mickey Mouse, you have no idea how I nearly died when I was trapped in Mickey's room in Disneyland with a bunch of strangers while my mum and my relatives were in another room!). I prefer the Wolf to Red Riding Hood in my amigurumi designs.

My oddity is not new to some friends. A friend used to tell other friends, "Lis doesn't like what most people like, she likes what most people don't like". Believe me, it's not deliberate to be different.

The real challenge came when I started my own crafting business - saplanet originals, whereby I design the products. There are many important decisions to make in order to ensure that my products appeal to the public. Now, many times, I try to think the 'opposite', so that this work I do, remains as a business, and not a dying hobby.

It would be a lot easier if I were a 100% odd person; fortunately and unfortunately, my life is more interesting than just one perfect basic answer. I am probably just half strange, half normal; strange and normal at the wrong time, hah!

See, I am not way out weird. I am just occasionally strange. There are 'spot-on' times, whereby my customers love exactly what I love. However, there are times when my customers love what I don't quite fancy. (I prefer "James" on the right; while "Marcus" on the left seems to get more Like votes from buyers)

The best bet might be that I should stop choosing between any two, just make both. One to satisfy myself, another to satisfy the public demand.

The key reason why my business is still sustainable, is because I understand my weakness and lack of synchronicity with the common likes.

We need to understand that being 'unique' is not necessarily a compliment. Often, we seek to be unique, because we want to be noticed. "Unique" is overrated and misunderstood.

I am the type of person who is comfortable with blogging, but I can't say the same for public speaking. It is a very delicate fine line here, I wish to be heard when I speak; I do not wish to be noticed under the bright beam of light.

I was in the folk's dance club in Secondary School. We were to perform with our seniors, and I was 'unfortunately' selected to take on a heavier role in the front row. I would prefer to dim in the background, unnoticed.

We may think that we are often 'opposed' and 'obstructed' by difficulties in life, perhaps, they are present as opportunities to confront our innermost fears and overcome them eventually. Maybe, these are opportunities to pack myself up with more self-confidence, and not to constantly second-guessing my decisions.

Maybe I am designed to be weird so that I could be blogging this side of the story to you.

"why me?" - the question to a more purposeful living

2010-04-25T12:42:00.001+08:00

When any undesirable event hits upon us in the least expected moment, often we ask, 'Why me?".

This is actually a question leading to a more purposeful living, if you give a meaningful answer to the question.

When my ex-husband cheated on me, I asked "Why me?". I never had anyone cheated on me! When he cheated on me again, I asked, "Why me, again?". It is only until much later that I realize, it is me, because it is a precious life lesson, that will benefit many others, including myself, later in this journey.

If we try to wrap our minds around the fact that everything is interconnected, we will attach a purpose to the perhaps misfortune we are experiencing, or have experienced. We may find tiding over this chapter of our life story a little much easier. We may also experience more peace within.

Attaching a purpose to our life challenges, is to detach the negative thought and energy from ourselves.

When we contracted a terrible illness, we ask ourselves "Why me?" all the time, and fail to attach a meaningful purpose to it. We may not change or reverse the condition, but we may empower ourselves to deal with the situation in a more proactive and positive attitude. Ask these, "Why not me?", "If not me, who?", instead.

I was molested and abused when I was a small child. Whether you believe or not, our childhood shapes us into what we may become later on in our lives. I understand the importance of childhood development, because I am a living witness of what a thwarted childhood may do to us. I am blessed to grow up just fine, despite the many heavy knocks along the way; I am however, not lucky, the word 'Luck' strips off all credits of hard work and lessons that I have learned in this somewhat curvy journey. Therefore, never ever tell me I am lucky, I am not, I am just blessed with opportunities, and acquired wisdom.

Coping mechanism is mostly learned during our childhood period. When uncorrected, we assumed that as the only method we know how to handle matters, especially emotionally. This shapes our behaviors as we grow up. Our behaviors and attitudes would be the cause to the effect of incidents that follow our journey in life.

We have options, always. I could choose to sink deep into the bottomless pit of self-pity, and perhaps compose a soulful song, titled "Why Me", and hum this sorrowful tune to sleep every evening.

Or, I could attach simple meanings to the things that have happened to me. It is true that it is not an joyful or pleasant lesson that I would wish for anyone. Each painful event takes excruciatingly painful process in order to complete the lesson. Some lessons may take a lifetime to complete, but we need not be the master of all pains to pass down the things we learned.

Lessons may come in chapters, we could already share what we have comprehended and learned each time we finished a new chapter. You never know, what you have learned, may be benefiting someone when you choose to share the knowledge and wisdom.

"Perhaps the reason why I had to go through what I had gone through, is just so that I can now share with you what I have learned in a similar life lesson you are taking". I told a friend when she came to talk with me about her cheating husband.

My short-lived first marriage is the first complicated 'question' that I attempted to de-complicate. It may sound like an easy sum to apply a simple formula to solve, but the truth is, it is never just about the cheating partner. The experience enriched my life, because I made every effort, and took every way to make it work. The very same good reason why I am able to comprehend better of different decisions made by many different people when they are caught in a similar situation, because I had probably made most of the decisions before.

Many events might not be easily explained, such as ill health despite the very healthy lifestyle you adopted; poor school grades despite all the midnight oil you burned etc. Attach a meaning to it, know that it happens for a purposeful reason.

We could live a more contented and fulfilled life, only if we choose to look past the present hardships, knowing that the meaningful purpose would unfold, some time in our journey.

little bubbles of surprises

2010-04-08T14:42:00.000+08:00

If we have enough faith, we give our best in everything we do, and know that everything else will falls into places, in the perfectly designed order, we may find more peace within, and be able to enjoy the small little bubble bursts of pleasant surprises.

random acts of kindness...

2010-04-04T15:37:00.001+08:00

Perhaps, no word is needed to describe kindness.

Maybe it seems random, yet purposeful...

i am safer alone

2010-04-01T11:02:00.000+08:00

You'd probably think this is about me, as you read the title? Maybe, maybe not.

You see, I am always alone, yet not lonely. I am not trying to feel 'safe' alone, I feel happier alone, because being alone, leaves me with just truth, and I am perfectly comfortable with raw truth, non-decorated.

Regardless, I don't get a lot of Alone time, since my folks retired. Aloneness has since become scarcity the I constantly yearn for. You would also be surprised that I am actually exposed to 'group dynamics'.

Group activity can be very exciting, colorful and dynamic. It can also be beautifully veiled behind a thin layer of sheen curtain, when unveiled, you see clusters of pretense, paranoia, and insincerity.

The truth is that as a person, we don't like to be alone (except the minority of quirky people, like myself, cross my heart, I love to be left alone, undisturbed), we are fearful to be alone. We think we are powerless when alone. This could be a general social values that have been passed down from a long time ago. We always swim towards the main stream of the valley. We feel more 'protected' and 'right'. If more people are going by the stream A, it cannot be wrong, we thought.

Gradually, this behavior greatly affected by the cognitively accepted value, stays with us forever, wherever we go. Office politics is probably one of the most commonly example here. Co-workers form groups amongst themselves, so that they grow stronger. Some 'grasshoppers' would hop from group to group, because they thought they would stay neutral.

Take a moment sometime, quiet yourself down, observe. Soon, everyone develops paranoia, they think someone else from the same, or different groups are plotting against them. Perhaps, a few of your colleagues crowd around the pantry area, and talk softly amongst themselves. You walk by and think that they are gossiping about you, and you become grumpy for the rest of the day, and probably plotting a 'revenge' against these people.

Another scenario would be a 'snitching act' when an 'allied' colleague comes cooing into your ears, 'I think they are talking about you'. What are you going to do? Be upset that they ARE gossiping about you? Or, be wise, 'what I do no hear, cannot hurt me'.

Sprinkle some joy and happiness to your everyday journey, by giving someone the benefits of doubt, and think the best of everyone. Refrain from malicious activities, that I sometimes call 'evil fruition'.

I am not encouraging that everyone moves up to the mountain to obtain absolute solitude, I am saying that we DO have a choice not to become the tools to hurt someone.

the need to be organized

2010-03-29T12:26:00.000+08:00

I don't know why I would rather spend such long hours to prepare a travel itinerary, but I think I need a minimum level of feeling 'organized'.

Things may not always go accordingly to how you plan them, so it's best to keep an open mind to allow changes, impromptu, or not. Itinerary is more like a 'guide' for me, to ready me for the next activity. I am not a last-minute person, if you don't already know.

I love to include plenty of photos in the itinerary, a photo speaks a thousand words, doesn't it? The process of researching on the places that we were to visit, and the reading up on relevant articles, magically excite me into wanting to explore the places.

I make perfect plans, and yes, I am a super anal perfectionist, but I do give generous allowance for perfectly imperfect outcomes.

Now, I am going to slowly blog up the travel journals at my wedding/travel blog, and start consolidating last year's travel photos to make the travel book.

As usual, I might be suffering from the post-holiday downs, so I am just clearing orders/work and not in the best moods to create anything new. Oh well, nothing is that urgent, unless I make them, yes?

my first quirk - the quirky me takes over!

2010-03-28T09:09:00.000+08:00

So I guess my life is still simple, but I reckon it would be fun to sprinkle some quirks to it too.

I believe I have a somewhat unusual story to tell, just like any Unique You have, not too tragic, not too joyful, but let's say, it's quirky eventful!

There is one priceless lesson I have learnt from the 'downs' of life phases; we have to look forward to a new anchoring point in life, a small step at a time, and we don't stop walking, soon, we are out of the phase of dark shady patch, and basking in the warm and bright sunny patch - hopeful.

What works perfectly for me is to anchor into the next getaway - holiday. Now that I have nothing in the schedule, I anchor my next 'bright' spot at a virtual getaway - publicly personalized blog! haha

So, I have finally gotten myself a personalized domain - the quirky me. Of course, I am mostly described as peculiar, eccentric, odd, strange, weird, and anything other descriptive words that practically mean the same thing. I was talking to a 'friend' from Facebook whom I have never met in person, she described me as 'quirky', and I loved it immediately.

My latest holiday took me to the down under - Perth. I was virtually vanished since I didn't get many chances to get access to internet. On one evening, we decide to purchase the internet time from the hotel because we 'needed' to get online. Since we had some balance time left, I checked on the availability of thequirkyme, and decided there and then that it belongs to me.

Here we are, I replaced 'Life Is Simple' (which was really about me too, LIS, I told ya, I am narcissistic) with 'The Quirky Me' and of course, it's still about me and my quirks. It makes perfect sense though. I am all about the twisted psychological theories and warped life philosophies, so, no one else deserves this domain, other than the quirky me. hah! Excited, but revamping will take some time, considering that I have tons of things to clear up at this point.

be kinder...

2010-03-03T14:31:00.001+08:00

If we imagined the 'worst' for others, we may be kinder. I mean, if we imagined that the 'worst' tragic has happened to the next person we meet, we may be kinder to the person.

The truth may be that every single one of us may have some issues to deal with, be it humongous or minute, short-termed or long-termed. If we could try to imagine the worst type of issues that we find crippling even for ourselves to grasp, we may extend a phenomenally unmeasurable kindness upon others. Maybe, they may not have the worst problems to deal with, but that is not the highlight here, the keywords are 'cultivating kinder thoughts' which are most likely capable of manifesting better behaviors out of us.

Some time ago, I was working on a corporate project, and crossed path with an executive who portrayed herself as an offensive, rude and self-absorbed person. Event though we did not speak or meet in person, the selection of words in the email clearly displayed her eagerness to reprimand and command, over the slightest differences in design concepts.

I grew up tolerating nasty behaviors and dealing with cheap ego-triggered angry episodes. It reached a point that I would 'remind' the offending person to watch his/her tone and behaviors. I try to keep my cool, because by engaging into an angry fight with the person, proves nothing but the similar standard I hold with the person. It would not serve any meaningful purpose, would it? It is very simple for me, either the person watches the tone and stops getting personal over what is not; or I will walk away and ignore the person. 'Display generosity by granting a chance for the offender to mend his/her way; Assert certainty of zero tolerance towards a possible abusive engagement'.

I have learned that I deserve better, and if you are not better, you don't deserve me.

See, handling angry people is something that I am constantly battling to do, because I live with my father who is always angry over the most trivial matter, and when the person is my father, it makes it more difficult to manage, especially given a long list of bad history of events. That explains a lot about why I have literally no tolerance over shouting, fighting, angry exchanges of abusive words and anything that could result in the above described.

I thought, 'what a bitch!'. It was important that I reminded her that the minor differences in design concepts were not worth flipping the table over. Believe me, I am married to a man who is drastically different to what I am made of; we have not fought over differences, we discuss, understand, and manage them.

In a case of differences, when one of us decide we should raise our voice and brutalize the words, it is just a catalyst to set off a hellish fire to burn the world down, and since we are in the world, we are most likely to be reduced to ashes too. What happens is that, when someone outside this 'world' looks down and observe the entire event, would laugh out loud, and probably coughed out some choked words between the chuckles, 'what a foolish act, over such small stuff, really?'.

I don't know about you, but I sure hope I am not that fool. I honestly don't mind being stupid, and I have never been a bright person, but being foolish is a choice, and I don't quite like that.

Things were fine for a while, and this project was wrapping up the ends. The joker sprung back into the 'game' with the most primitive and uncouth 'mannerism'*, all displayed in a brief email. We forget our manners, don't we, but strangely, a respectable professional is often defined by her manners. Let's say, manners is one of the most powerful and graceful social skills.

*Right, we could actually 'sense' the communicator's mannerism through words, we could gauge it against the level of education this person receives though; i.e. A better educated person would probably write, 'Is your designer able to provide alternatives?' rather than 'Don't tell me your designer can't even give alternative!'. With the latter, I would imagine that the person is power-hungry and desperately needing to display an imaginary superiority over whoever she is communication with.

I was really annoyed by this brat, I swear. Since the emails were copied to her superior, she was eager to back her 'expertise' up with 'in my experience' da-ba da-ba da-ba... There were so many things she did which were completely unnecessary. I really didn't care what she had done in the past or what she could do; I was only concerned that the project get done in the most efficient and professional manner. I have a encyclopedia thick of experiences with all sorts of looneys, if she must enter the topic of experiences, and she is sure to be in the brand new page of that book.

It was just a brief episode of annoyance. Quickly, I picked up the insecurity she must have felt at her job! We need not quote our experiences to support our capabilities, if we are really good at what we do. Experiences are earned for our own benefits, just like life experiences, they happened at costs, so that we learn something good from them and be better, they are not to be bragged about. We talk about experiences, because we want to share what we have learned. Experiences are not 'badges' that we are too eager to show off with, we wear them because we are proud of what we have learned.

I meet insecure people all the time, too eager to seek for validation and acknowledgement. We are fearful that we would be slighted of our abilities because of the smaller bio numbers. (Girl, you should really be enjoying the smaller bio numbers now. Wait till you have a set of larger bio numbers like mine!) This group of people are often very unpopular amongst friends and co-workers.

Imagine meeting up with your friend who whines or brags about her job throughout dinner, buried deep down in her, is a keen fire to display the imaginary 'victory' because of the wall of 'experiences' she is building up to support her profession. This person is often cultivating an annoying habit that she might not be aware of - talking people down. We don't enjoy her company because she is always talking us down, so that she sniffs off the high of achievement by emerging out as the 'winner'.

I mean it when I said that the annoyance I had for her was a brief one. Whatever has attributed to her insecurity, I empathize with her. I am not liking her better though, because generally I still resent rude people, but at least, when I imagined the worst for her, I have a kinder thought dedicated for her.

in the light of truth

2010-02-25T14:01:00.003+08:00

Sometimes we lie because we think that the bitter truth is easier to consume by coating it with a thick layer of sugary coating.

Surely we all know that eventually when you bite through the coating, you still get to the bitterness, and perhaps the 'innocent' coating of sugar makes the bitterness more unbearable than it would originally be.

I am well aware that because of what I am made of, and the stubbornness to remain truthful, my family and friends may sometimes feel compelled to splatter a thick layer of sweet sugary coating around the naked truth. Although I do not condone to it, I do not take an aggressive step to stop it either, it's their coping mechanism. (and gosh, imagine the social pressure!)

See, since many years ago, when I was divorced, I stopped visiting friends and relatives, on most occasions. It remains that way even now that I am remarried. For a ton of complex reasons, which seemed really simple to me actually, my parents had difficulty explaining to relatives of my absence. I never really asked, but I would guess that they might tell them that I had been really busy or sick, or the usual excuses (even though part of it may be true, but could hardly be construed as the final truth). It would probably stop the curious from probing, I reckon.

What they don't realize is that every lie, white, black, grey or rainbow color, would come to light some day, somehow. The thing is, as I don't restrain them from doing what they do; they'd better be not expecting me to continue that lie. Some day, when anyone asks me, I would offer nothing but the simple truth, 'I don't enjoy home visiting, regardless of the hosts.' Certainly, it would be more permanent if your house is always noisy with conflicts and full of angry people.

Of course, there is another issue about 'Respect'. I have no idea how we developed the false belief that we Respect the person by forcing ourselves to do what we don't enjoy doing. Respect, similar to admiration, or love, it is really a feeling we have for another person, this feeling may or may not be displayed in the most animated and dramatic fashion; we may respect anyone by silently feeling it.

Respect in the Chinese culture, is sometimes overrated and abused. We could be branded unrespectful just by not visiting the elderly, and in-laws.

I have come a long way to learn that helping people deal with truth is not my job; telling the truth is. I don't particularly approve of anyone lying 'on my behalf', because I don't ever want to be in the position of considering to continue the lie, because if I don't, I may prove the person a liar. Then again, that would be another truth, wouldn't it? hah!

At present, I am not in the best state of life, and it is not a bad thing. I am at a place where major roots to most of my life issues are located, so I am rooting back as far back as my very early childhood. My coping method is very straight-forward really. There is a reason for where I am now, and at this point, it's really just about ME and if I don't deal with ME right now, I will never get pass this stage and never be able to progress and grow as a complete person.

This, is an opportunity to clear up the mass of rubbish that has been a giant obstacle in my life, and I am truly thankful that everything unfolds the way it does.

A big lesson I have learned from my failed marriage, is the encounter with Depression. I firmly believe that Depression is not fully recoverable, but completely manageable. I keep it at bay as soon as I acknowledged and identified it. Everyone manages the state of mind differently, to keep it sane and sound. For me, it works to unclutter matters, and not adopting new ones until the hands are free.

Most importantly, I stop forcing myself to do what I don't enjoy, because this IS part of what may drive me nuts. One of the rooting problems for me is that I lived most part of my life saying yes, or not knowing to say no, when I really should have. The many years of suffering in silence is almost like compressing toxic gas in an enclosed container, waiting for the perfect disaster to take place.

Today, although not completely, but I am proud that I refrain from suffering in silence; I enjoy life aloud! (Oh yeah, it may be a tad too deafening loud at times...)

anniversary trip - one of the best ever!

2010-02-25T13:08:00.004+08:00

I usually travel during Lunar New Year, ever since Mike and I got married. It is a perfect time to travel because February is the month that we celebrate our wedding anniversary, and I am flexible to 'stretch' the actual anniversary day to fit Lunar New Year.

I don't enjoy Lunar New Year, long before I met Mike. Mike understands that fully, and nothing should change. The only reason we got married, is that we believe we would make each other's life better and more enjoyable. There is nothing we would 'force' each other to do against our wills.

This trip to Darwin, Australia has greet fabulous. We didn't do anything biggie, yet we enjoyed the vacation to the fullest. We achieve more by doing less.

The only downside to this trip would be my hyper-sensitive skin, and the super hot weather. When these 2 meet, they battled like fiercest foes, and leave long stretches of eczema rashes on my limbs!!

We would be traveling again, in less than 2 weeks' from now, and it might be a tad more activities this time around, since it's a group holiday. (I know, it's hyper rare for me to tag along, but I want to visit Cindy!!!)

The travel journal is blogged at our wedding blog since it's really anniversary related. I might just blog all travel journals there in the future.

let us decide for ourselves

2010-01-17T12:35:00.002+08:00

I know I am suffering from fatigue in physical form, since I have been crazily busy since Oct 2009, and the mini health related episode in late Nov didn't help too, even though I was supposed to rest.

The overrated 'fatigue' I am even mentioning here is nothing compared to the devastation that is currently suffered by the victims of Haiti Earthquake.

I decide to take my Sunday off work today, I didn't even go for my morning walk this morning, because I have been too tired for too long, I thought my body desperately needed rest. It might be true that I really need rest, but words like 'desperate', 'fatigue', are now over-qualified words for a standard person like myself to use at this point.

I am not rich, that is certain, but I believe I could cut back on some spending, and hopefully my small tiny donation could help in any way, for the victims of this natural disaster. I would like to think that if some day, some where, I find myself caught in such dire situation, someone out there would chip in even the smallest donation, which will snowball into a larger fund to help me get through possibly the worst bad patch in life.

With that in mind, I log in to my bank account, as I remembered that when the Myanmar disaster rocked the world, the joint effort between Singapore Red Cross society (SRC) and the banks made contributions so easy that there was practically no obstacle to donate - probably no reason not to donate too. To my disappointment, I couldn't find any 'ready' beneficiary in the payment list.

I went to SRC official site instead, hoping to find some instruction or any current campaigns relating to Haiti event, and disappointed to read this:
"The SRC will not be launching a public appeal in Singapore. This is due to the consideration that several appeals have been made to Singaporeans to help survivors of disasters in our region and as such, does not want to cause donor fatigue. However, should donors wish to make a donation to the IFRC’s emergency appeal fund for Earthquake Haiti, the SRC will assist to channel the monies to IFRC directly. For logistical considerations, the SRC will not be accepting any donations-in-kind, e.g. clothes, food, etc."

Maybe Singaporeans are really pampered and 'trained', we always need organizations to 'tell' us how we should think and behave. In my opinion, SRC is taking a very passive step in this event. I am puzzled, really. I mean, seriously!!?

Why not let the donors decide if they are 'fatigue', or not? Their job should really be considering for the victims who desperately need help. By raising public awareness, it might be hopeful that we may raise more fund for this heart-wrenching event. I couldn't imagine what I might think, if I were one of the unfortunate victims, that the red cross society is considering the 'donors' fatigue' when someone is suffering hell, literally.

My argument is that it is a Natural Disaster, it doesn't follow any schedule, and unfortunately, it doesn't really allow us to decide when, where, or how it may strike us. Certainly, if I had control over Natural Disaster at all, I would command that it doesn't strike at all! It happens, even though we strongly oppose to it. Let the donors decide if they want to stretch their dollars for charitable efforts. Why is donor fatigue even a consideration? You mean, there is a quota for fund raising? Hey, I would like that for the disasters too!! Like, hey you there, we kind of have enough disasters now, so no more disasters until.. like... forever!

I know, I might be too critical and even evilly sarcastic, but I don't find that official statement reason enough to take a back-seat on this matter. As a matter of fact, I find that it is failing its mission. There is a huge group of people in Singapore who is not as resourceful and might not know where to contribute to such relief efforts. They, just like me, may not be rich, but we might just afford a few dollars, which might not be a detriment to our basic needs; yet the pool of fund that we could raise, may mean a lot to people in real need.

If you wish to help, there is indeed a bunch of organizations, including social gaming companies, such as zynga.com, who is trying to help. You may also donate directly to redcross.org.

Remember this, we are happy that a new year has begun and that we have a ton of plans to execute. These plans we are talking about, are sheer luxuries that the unfortunate group in Haiti Earthquake cannot afford. On that fateful day, everything they loved, and wished for, defaced in a blink of the eye. All they want might be staying alive, and even by staying alive might be pure pain, in coping with losses, and grieving for the loss of the loved ones. It is indisputably going to be a long journey from this point, we may not walk this journey with them, but we might just be able to help shorten the journey for recovery.

where was I, before now...

2010-01-10T16:11:00.003+08:00

Being an indie business operator, I get more informal questions, perhaps the public feels a shorter distance from the seller. Handmade products are personal, to begin with.

One of the FAQs I get would be 'where were you before running saplanet originals?'. Let's see, I'll need to crack open the egg to find the answer. I came from a Corporate Blackhole!

I experienced work at many corporate levels. I was a decision-maker; I was the plan executors; I was the supporting role with minimal power to influence decisions. The common activity that all levels shared - power struggles, and ego challenges.

Believe me, I am not brilliant in any way, but the multiple exposures in different industries and my 'expanded' knowledge base, I tend to over-perform, or rather, exploited.

Not convinced? The employment agreement stated 'Administrator', and I ended up hiring and dismissing employees; I was administrative personnel, and ended up being the marketing executive, and in-charge of the corporate website maintenance. I wanted a less important role in the company with more predictable work hours, I got myself a receptionist job, and I ended up taking minutes in meetings and implementing policies, and eventually employed a new receptionist to do exactly what I was employed to do; I was the HR executive, and ended up attending regional meeting on product launch.

More than often, when I work at all, I would be crazily busy because of the super multiple roles I undertook. The last thing I would need, to at least hope to get things done, would be useless ego fights, and power struggles in the management team, or across the various levels of staff.

At times, I wondered, if we try to tuck our super-egos away in the cabinet that reads, 'Use Me', or 'Not Recyclable', we may actually get things done! A tiny little spark may set the ego wars to the fiercest. Everyone trying to make everyone's job difficult, and everyone getting extremely upset with everyone else, the endless cycle repeats.

It would be miraculous if a 3-day job gets completed in 3-weeks' time, if not 3-months, or forever. It might be a lot easier, if we all know our roles, and our places, yes?

Ego fights are completely unnecessary, so is power struggle; yet the bad air of such culture fills in most corporate settings.

You might be surprised to learn that I joined the uniform group - NPCC (National Police Cadet Corps) when I was in my first year of Secondary School. Some cultures were ridiculous to me. There was this twisted joy that the ICs derived from sabotaging the new recruits. One 'generation' after another, it repeated - this was how it worked, the new recruits got sabotaged by the ICs, they aspired to be the ICs so that they could in turn sabotage the next batch of recruits.

Remember, we were still kids, what kind of morals and values were we adopting? I thought the primary objective was discipline? Anyhow, if you must know, I quit the group by the 2nd year.

I noticed this similar silly cultures in some corporations too. The new staff gets bullied by the senior staff. I fail to comprehend the rationale behind this. The more efficient we all work as a team, the more productive we become, the better the company perform, the higher chance of salary increment and job promotion, the higher possibility to enjoy satisfying work life, yes?

Perhaps this is too simple and unsophisticated to understand, let's try this again. The more foul plays we do to our colleagues, the more inefficient we become, the higher chance of getting upset at our work and become dissatisfied employee, the higher we are discounting our value in the company. The chances are, we become dissatisfied, we complain all the time, all that our friends are hearing are just our angered words about work, we plan to resign everyday, and we suffer psychosomatic so very often, the medical record sheets are as thick as the dictionary, by which more than half of that stack noted, 'medical certificate issued'. With work occupying a huge fraction of our lives, we could then say, 'we are a bunch of dissastified beings'.

Surely, another group of people in the society would be happy. All the power seminars are run so that we, the unhappy bunch, could let someone else teach us how to be happier.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with personal development, don't get me wrong. It is great to know there is help out there, just always be clear of objectives of your attendance to such seminars. It doesn't help with getting rid of one unhappy issue, and jump right into a dependence issue. (jump out of the frying pan into the fire)

Some tasks at work may be more challenging, and met with more obstacles. Take each challenge with grace and learn something from it. If we keep the ego in the drawer, we might be able to discover a brand new lesson, to enrich our experience, and perhaps a new shiny tool to do the next job better.

lost..

2010-01-09T22:15:00.002+08:00

I have never been confident with directions, and places.

Some years ago, I had the honor to be a good friend's maid of honor, the wedding took place in Perth, Australia. It was the first time that I traveled and stayed at a hotel alone. It's a pleasant discovery that I actually enjoyed it very much.

When we were not meeting up, I was mostly left alone to explore the city. Everyday, I would walk the exact same route to the city. I would not wander too much, especially if it involved many turns in the shopping area.

The other day, I was out with Mike for the health screening. I took the opportunity to visit the supplier to replenish some supplies for my webstore. While we approached the carpark after the purchasing was done, I remembered that I had missed an item, and since Mike was on the phone, I signaled him that I would return to the store to make a quick purchase. He had to interrupt the telephone conversation, and subtly objecting to the idea by asking, 'Do you know how to get back to the shop? What if you get lost?'. I assured him that I could find my way around.

The carpark looked.. confusing!!! There were several exits, and I was getting confused. I took one of the exists, but decided that it was not quite the same exit that I came through earlier. I walked further up, and someone was calling out to me from the back. It was Mike. I sympathize with Mike, it must have been tough having a wife who has great difficulty in recognizing places and directions. Apparently, the exit that I took previously would also lead me to where I wanted to go. True enough, I might really not find my way if Mike hadn't followed, all the shops and turns looked.. strangely unfamiliar!!

I had to take back the same route.. just like I had when I was in Perth, because there is a great fear of losing my way, the fear of a non-return, the fear of uncertainty. Clearly, I am not quite an adventurer, eh?

Once, I was out on the morning walk, and it started to rain. It was very early in the morning, but Mike texted me to check on my location. I confessed that I didn't know where I was! The neighborhood buildings looked oddly the same! He offered to come fetch me - I must have been just under 10 minutes away from home - the only problem was that I didn't even know where I was. Oh well, I managed to get out of the concrete jungle after all. Poor Mike, he could have slept in soundly.

Every fear has a trailing history, mine is no exception too. Childhood trauma often impacts our lives greater than we may imagine.

catch me if you can

2010-01-02T11:54:00.003+08:00

The first few days after the brand new year begins has always been a 'spill-over' for many things from last year. I don't do year-to-year resolution, it has become meaningless, since there is always just perhaps one and only resolution - weight loss, even when I was skinny to bone. Let's say, it's a life-long resolution for weight management, rather than weight loss. (read me: I REALLY need to lose some weight, for REAL, I am weighing at my heaviest by far, and it is not acceptable!!!)

I was out for my morning walk, and saw the moon appearing reluctant to retire, while the sun was eager to kick start the day already; so I had the charming big round moon 'backing' me up, while the happy sun greeting me in my face. It was as thought the Moon was saying to the Sun, 'Catch me if you can'. How relevant, the 2009 backlogs are probably smirking, 'catch up with me if you can'. 'Don't you mess with me, I'm going to deal with you soon and dump you right into the Archive Bin!'.

Alrighty, it's a tad too much to fantasize about a 'fight' with the backlogs which are haunting me every other night.

I know resolution works for some people, but doesn't work for most people. When I did make resolution, I made it realistic and achievable, so I normally get to keep it, I just find it rather pointless, since I do perfectly fine with impromptu decisions too.

Or perhaps, I am rather contented with what I already have now. If I have anything important that I wish to achieve, I would want to do it NOW. And now, like right now, I need to get off from here and continue my work!

There were quite many new faces this morning, all looking enthusiastic and health-conscious. I wondered if I were to chart this over the years, I might just discover the trend of 'joggers hike' over certain period of the year, such as after festive season, and beginning of the year.

For some strange reasons, we seem to be more motivated at the end of the year to start a new routine in coming new year. One of the most popular resolutions must be weight loss, or stay healthy per se.

I have to agree that psychologically, the 'end' of the year signifies a benchmark to 'end' a routine that we have been wanting to get out from; the 'new' year gives new hope of a fresh start. It is like a chance for 'rebirth' and finally rid of the old shell we have carried for the longest time.

Whatever last year may have been for you, let it be in a place it belongs - Past; move forward and start a brand new year afresh. Learn from the past, apply to the present, live it full!